


Work In Progress

by Weatherbug02



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: #GetBenATherapist2k18, Alternate Universe - Fandom - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Fic Writers, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Antis, Discord - Freeform, Discourse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Falling In Love, Fandom Fuckery, Fanfiction, Happy Ending, Hux is Not Nice, Inappropriate Use of the Internet, Mutual Pining, Obscure Meme References, Online Relationship, Problematic Internet Behavior, Rivals, Slow Burn, Social Media, Tumblr, Your FBI Agent Would Be Ashamed, ao3 - Freeform, fandom references, meta af, severe mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:27:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 46,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weatherbug02/pseuds/Weatherbug02
Summary: There were few things Ben hated more than himself. Shipping, discourse, and Tumblr were definitely among the top five, but that godforsakenReyoflightblog was quickly climbing the list.~~~~Or, in which Ben and Rey are one of us and turn Tumblr into even more of a hellsite.





	1. Trashcan of Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Note: That is the actual title lmao

Rey really should’ve known what would happen the moment she stepped into the theater. How was she supposed to expect that an almost seven hour back-to-back movie binge would turn her into one of those nerds who dwelled in their mother’s basement and jacked off to the leading actress when they couldn’t find actual dates? You know, like Finn.

Okay, neither of things were true (as far as she knew), but Rey still found herself begrudgingly admitting her satisfaction to him, who was a little more than pleasantly surprised when she told him her opinion. “Fuck yes, you loved it. I knew you would.”

“I said it wasn’t a pile of garbage, not that I loved it.” Rey couldn’t even convince herself, let alone Finn, her smile giving it away. Yeah, she liked. Probably a little more than that, actually. “It was a good movie, I admit it. No need to get so excited.”

“You’re so fucked.” _I am._ “You loved it.” _I do._ “Go ahead, talk my ear off. I know you want to.”

He didn’t have to say it twice. “Okay, I know I told you it was for losers, but I’ve got to admit visually it was really great. I mean, those lightsabers are cool as shit. The fighting is pretty specta—”

“Rey, come on, be real with me. Tell me how you really feel.”

She was silent for just a moment as they walked, scanning vaguely for anyone who could possibly hear her, before saying, “Bastila and Revan need to fuck.”

Finn barked out a laugh. “Fuck, yes. I know you too well. I knew you’d go for that shit. Wait until I expose you to everything. You’ll fall into the abyss with me.”

“What else is there? Isn’t it just movies?”

“Movies? No, there’s comics, video games, cartoons, _LEGO_ cartoons. Not to mention the fan content with the fics, art, meta, and memes. You’re going to die for it, Rey, I swear to God.”

Rey rolled her eyes as they stopped to hail a cab. “I’m not joining your weirdass sci-fi fandom. I’m not that deep into it. I’m allowed to casually enjoy things.”

Finn only smirked. “That’s what they all say.”

She really should’ve known better. Finn had been trying to get Rey to watch the series for ages, to which she vehemently denied. It was a pop culture phenomenon for years, which was exactly why she loathed the series. Maybe Rey shouldn’t have been such a snob over it, but the constant hype (Honestly how much merch could the possibly make? Paper towels, really?) did get really annoying.

And besides, even if Rey did like the movie, there was no way she was joining the fandom. Yeah, she liked it well enough, but her Tumblr was already overridden with dead fan accounts. There was no use in adding another one into the mix.

She told this to herself the entire ride home, repeated it like some type of satanic chant in her head until her mind drifted off to the leftover Chinese food they had in their fridge back home. Again, again, again: _No more fandoms, Rey, you fucking heathen._

Except that was exactly what she did the moment she got onto her laptop back at their apartment.

Rey made her first Tumblr in early 2010, back when the site was rather young and maybe less shitty. She’d lived through the unfunny memes, the obscure emos, the grainy gifs, and the fucking Mishapocalypse. She was a seasoned fandom-goer, if not a little tired of it most of the time, but it still could be amusing if she thought about it.

Somehow Rey found herself in the same place every time she consumed another form of media that would imminently lead to her next addiction: https://tumblr.com/new/blog

 

 

> **Create a new blog**

> **Title:**

> **URL:**

Okay, well, she technically said no to creating another blog, but it wasn’t like she exactly needed to. There was a difference between creating a blog and reblogging a couple things here and there. It wasn’t being horny on main. It was being multifandom, which by extension was arguably much, much worse.

No, this was a terrible idea, but Rey ignored that fact as she clicked back to her dashboard. Her main blog’s URL was _reyoflight,_ a pun that had seemed absolutely hilarious during her ironic memeing stage of 2011. Now it just sounded like she was an old dude whose parents didn’t know how to spell. Perfect.

“What are you doing?”

Rey ignored Finn as he slid next to her, completely disregarding the much more open space on their sofa to squeeze in next to her. If Rey had any sense of self-preservation, she might’ve closed out the tab to escape the teasing that would be coming, but there really was no point in hiding her disgusting Tumblr that Finn had used on several occasions for blackmail.

“Making a porn blog.”

He snorted and pulled out his phone. “You don’t have the tits for it.”

“Finn!”

He held up a hand in defense. “Just being real with you. But for real, what are you doing? Don’t tell me you’re already looking up the smut.”

 _No, but that’s a good idea._ “I was just going to look through the tag and see what’s out there. Nothing crazy. I’m not making a fanblog like you, loser.” Absolutely not. She could just be casually interested in a fandom without selling her soul. People did it all the time, didn’t they?

“Sure, whatever you say. Follow my blog, _bijediknight_. We can all be a squad together.”

“All?” Rey clicked over to the search and typed out Bastila and Revan’s ship name. (Her guess as to what it was, at least.) “As far as I know your only friend is me. Don’t tell me you have a secret online life.”

“You know who I’m talking about. Rose and Poe, also known as my other best friend and my boyfriend.”

Rey stopped and turned to face him. “Wait, so the people you went to ComicCon with last year were other internet losers who actually like Knights of the Old Republic?” She laughed at his sheepish expression. “You told me they were friends of friends. You’re going to get murdered next time you meet up with these people, and I’m going to laugh really, really hard.”

“Rose and Poe are not going to murder me. I’m going to tell them right now that you’re joining the fandom, and they’re totally going to freak.”

“I am not joining anything. I’m just checking things out. Might read a fic or two. Not a big deal.”

Finn gave her _the_ look and shook his head. He didn’t speak, but Rey knew him well enough to know what he was thinking: _You’re a damn liar._ He wasn’t wrong. She lied about getting invested in her last two fandoms as well. This wouldn’t be the first time this happened.

Still, though, what would be the harm in it?

 

* * *

 

> **revans** **  
> ** Get on Discord

> **kyloren** **  
> ** No

> **revans** **  
> ** You’re an asshole.  
>  Why do I even bother with you again?

> **kyloren** **  
> ** Because you have no other friends

Ben didn’t have to wait long before his phone buzzed to notify a call via Discord. “We are not friends” was the first thing he was met with when he answered. _What else did I expect, calling Hux a friend?_

“Thanks for reminding me again why I hate your guts. What did you want?” Ben didn’t mention that he was about to get wasted on cheap vodka and wake up tomorrow hating himself more than usual.

Hux snorted across the line, a sound he was very accustomed to in the three years he’d known the man. “Wanted to talk about the latest chapter like the wonderful beta I am, of course. But if you’re too ungrateful for my feedback, then by all means keep insulting me. It’s what I live for.”

Ben ignored the dripping sarcasm and pulled up the document on the computer on his lap. There were no notes on it, not yet, but he had a feeling this would be the _one._ Hux was a good beta, but he wasn’t easy to please by any means. Ben was used to it by now, but it still hurt when the first words out of his mouth were “What is this shit?”

It wouldn’t be like that this time, though. Ben knew he had outdone himself this time, had given his absolute everything for this chapter. The last chapter had been mediocre even in Ben’s eyes, and even worse in Hux’s. Sure, his audience had liked it, but it hadn’t been perfect, so what was the damn point then?

“So?” Ben asked, leaning back against the headboard of his bed. “What did you think?”

“What do I think? I think it’s an utter trainwreck and quite possibly the worst chapter I’ve ever read from you. Aside from chapter twelve, I think it might be the worst in the entire fic.”

Ben’s voice caught in his throat when he opened his mouth. “What?”

“Don’t get upset. Just give me a complete rewrite with my notes in mind, and it could very well be the best chapter in the fic.”

His mouth suddenly felt dry, all words dying on his tongue every time he tried to speak. “That chapter… was nearly seventeen thousand words. I can’t just rewrite the entire thing. I only have a week before I’m supposed to update next, and I’ve been working on that one for almost three weeks.”

Hux huffed into the phone. “Listen, you can either rewrite that chapter and have me look at it again, or you can publish it how it is and have me never beta for you again. I’m not going to have my name attached to shit writing. I’m not sure why you’re expecting me to worship your every footstep. Don’t forget that I’m doing this as a favor to you—”

“Okay,” Ben said, cutting him off, “I’ll redo it. I’ll redo whatever you want. As long as it makes the story better.”

“Don’t worry, Ben. You can trust me.”

 _You can trust me._ He should be able to, yes. Hux was the only person he ever allowed to read his fics before they were published. No one ever got a look at them beforehand. It wasn’t out of embarrassment, per sé, but more the fact that Ben _knew_ they were shit. No one should have to be subjected to the horror of an unedited Kylo Ren fic.

Ben knew he was a good writer, but it was times like these he questioned it. As he looked over the document again, he realized just what Hux was talking about. The sentences were clunky, out of place. The language was too simplistic. It was either too long or too short, he couldn’t decide anymore. It was horrible, every aspect of it. It should be rewritten, over and over again until he couldn’t bear to stare at one more goddamn sentence.

There were no good chapters. There was just bad and mediocre.

 _You can trust me._ “I know,” Ben said at last, but the words felt wrong.

“Good. Now, you don’t have much time, so I expect you to be working on it quickly. If the chapter’s not up to my standards by Wednesday, find yourself another beta. Good luck, though. You should be thanking me for putting up with your bullshit.”

The chapter had to be perfect. Everyone had to love it or what was the point? A mediocre chapter wasn’t an option. It was not. Everything was riding on him being perfect, and if that meant a couple more sleepless nights, then so be it. “It’ll be ready. I promise.”

Hux sent him a noise of what could’ve been either approval or annoyance. Ben didn’t know anymore. “Have you been on Tumblr recently?”

“I was just on Tumblr.”

“You know what the fuck I meant,” Hux spat back at him. “The fandom’s even worse than it was before if that’s even possible.”

Ben hummed in agreement as he opened Tumblr on his computer. The familiar blue screen should’ve been comforting, but it was merely a greeting of the hellscape that awaited him. How long had it been now since he joined? Nine years? He really was a fandom old then, goddamnit. “What bullshit discourse are they screeching over now?”

“The usual. Teenage girls thirsting over their ship, whatever the hell it is.”

“Brevan,” Ben answered automatically. Hux wasn’t as involved in the _Legends_ fandom as he was, so he didn’t get as deep into the fandom fuckery as Ben tended to, but it was always there on some level if you just paid attention.

“Yeah, Brevan, whatever. I don’t really care what they call it, honestly. They’re always going to be annoying little shits.”

“That may be true, but you do realize they’re going to be canon, right?”

Hux huffed. “I hope to God not. I already have to deal with enough of their shitty fanart to last a lifetime. Not to mention their fics. Have you ever read them, Kylo? They’re atrocious.”

“Shut up. You’ve literally written a Brevan fic before.”

“That was a trollfic, and it was a work of art. It’s also the most popular fic in the _archive_ tag, so you can shove that attitude right up your ass.”

Ben didn’t bother responding as he responded to messages on his Tumblr. If it were up to him, he’d allow no messaging whatsoever, but there was only so much restrictions you could put on one’s account. Besides, he occasionally liked getting the pornbots asking him to “hang out,” which also happened to be the only females to do so in months.

Details, really.

There were very few people that messaged him on a regular basis at all. Hux, Mitaka, and occasionally Phasma. Everyone else only came out of the woodwork when there was a chapter update every two to three weeks and no other time. Other than that, Ben was content where he was. The people who complained Tumblr was overly-dramatic were usually the ones who got themselves in the situation in the first place by getting involved in unnecessary discourse. Ben hated a lot of things, but pointless discourse was definitely among the top three.

Discourse, shipping, and Tumblr.

And maybe Hux.

* * *

“Please tell me you aren’t reading smutfic.”

“What kind of question is that? Of course I am.”

“Why do I even bother?” Finn shook and turned back to flipping through the channels on their oldass TV from 2006. It was due for an upgrade like everything else in their apartment, but money wasn’t exactly easy to come by. “This is why I don’t show you shit. You always figure out a way to find porn about it.”

Rey reached over and pinched his thigh, eyes still focused on her phone. “You’re one to talk considering I’m reading _your_ smut, dumbass.”

“Read and review, binch.”

The fic in question was… something. Nothing she hadn’t read before in terms of content, but the mere fact that it was Finn who had written it revealed a lot about his personality. Never would Rey have ever predicted Finn would have written an A/B/O fic with food kink and restraints, but here she was. The fic itself was quite decent, good even, but it just showed Finn was absolutely the fandom’s crack smut writer. And people loved it if the 2,000 kudos was any indication.

It was probably the title.

“ _Give me your Ass-Tila_? Really?”

“It’s a quality pun. People appreciated it.”

Rey held a hand up clicked back on her phone. “Well, I, for one, do not. What else is there? Please tell me you aren’t the token porn writer creep.”

“No, that’s this other guy. You probably should stay away from him. Honestly, there’s a bunch of people you should stay away from. When you’re in a fandom long enough, there are people you absolutely can’t stand. _Revans,_ for example.”

Rey knew that much. There was always bound to be people in fandom you couldn’t stand or clashed with. Usually, though, people managed to avoid each other well enough since one could easily curate one’s own experience through the blocking feature.

After telling this to Finn, he merely laughed. “Rey, sweetheart, I have no idea what kind of cute little fandoms you’ve been a part of for the past seven years or so, but that is not how any of this works. When you hate someone in the fandom, you make sure everyone knows it. If you’re lucky, no one cares. If you’re not, there are witch-hunts. And God forbid a popular blog hates you because there’s no coming back from that. It doesn’t matter what kind of argument it is or whether or not you were right. It doesn’t matter what the screenshots say. It’s who has the most followers and who’s dumb enough to believe you.”

“Yeah, but—”

“No buts. You don’t just block. You block and pray that whoever you hate hates you enough to never speak your name.”

She shut up then and stared back down at her phone, the words blurring together as she tried to read. Rey knew about fandoms but hadn’t been severely invested in one for a prolonged period of time in ages. Hell, for as long as she’d been in it, she probably should know it better, but there never seemed to be any point in getting involved with fandom drama, even if she somehow unknowingly started it half the time.

Back seven or eight years it was different, easier. Sure, people were weird and cringey and obsessed with Misha Collins, but it was more fun. You could make shitty gifs with not comebacks, you could write cringy RPF without people with pitchforks at your doorstep, you could even like Undertale with no drama (except for the ones it created itself.)

Even if Rey wasn’t that into fandom anymore, she _knew_ what they were like. The gatekeeping, the cringe culture, the witch-hunts, the policing. It wasn’t something she wanted to be apart of, no matter how much she liked the content.

She’d heard about the _Legends_ fandom. _Knights of the Old Republic_ was just one branch of it, and by far the most popular. It wasn’t just some think that people in the 80s liked anymore. People loved it, and the more people that love something, the more people hellbent on destroying everything about it.

Rey should be scared. She should be running like Hell knowing all this, but there was something… thrilling about being in the middle of everything. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Joining the fandom was _not_ investing your life, body, and soul into something for all of eternity. Was it?

Instead of contemplating the completely and utterly obvious answer (Yes, of-fucking-course it was), Rey grabbed her laptop from the coffee table and opened up a new document. So what if she was busy as fuck and already needed to get a life? It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

“What are you doing?”

She shot a smile at him and held down the _shift_ key. “I’m writing a fic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, lovelies! This fic has been in progress for a LONG time, but I've been waiting until summer to post it. It's not quite summer, but it's close enough, isn't it? This is definitely going to be similar to Disconnect but very very different at the same time. I really hope you liked this first chapter!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	2. A Bit of a Complication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be careful who you trust.

**Excerpt from** **_Metaphors (For You and Me) | Chapter 7_ ** ****_  
_ _Published on AO3 October 10th_ _  
_ _Written by Reyoflight_

 _The worst part about Revan was that insistent need to correct_ everything _she did. She should’ve found it rude, unattractive, and frankly insulting, but Bastila had a feeling he didn’t mean the things he said. He was a skittish man but intimidating enough to keep most sane people away from him, but she always saw through it._

_He was absolutely horrid, but not in exactly a bad way._

_“Bas, which one is this?”_

_She decided to not correct his use of the nickname that seemed prevalent on his lips as of late. “It’s a daisy. I’d imagine even a flower rookie like you could name a_ daisy _of all things.”_

_There it was, that dreadful smile that was absolutely going to get her into trouble one of these days. “I knew. I just like it when you tell me. You’re so smart.”_

_“I’m not,” she said, willing the blush on her cheeks away as she reshelved yet another flower pot. “I just know flowers. Not anything else.”_

_Revan shook his head and pressed his fingers lightly into her forearm. If it were anyone else, she might’ve jerked away, but his touch just did something to her. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re smarter than anyone I know. Even me, but we both know I’m not very smart, so that’s not saying much.”_

_Bastila flicked his forehead and used the distraction to slip out of his grasp and go behind the counter of the shop. There were no other customers in the store, aside from Revan who was never a customer anyway but somehow always got out with something free. Or stolen. Both usually._

_“I hope that’s a compliment,” she said, busying herself with sorting fertilizers that had been sorted and resorted over five times already today._ Damn it, Bas, get yourself together. _“If not, I want that shovel I gave you back.”_

_A laugh, that laugh. Fuck. “If you want your shovel back, you’re gonna need to do more than threaten me.”_

_He was closer now. Not too close, still a good few feet between them, but they might as well have been inches apart with the way Bastila’s skin was on fire. “Really? What else am I supposed to do then?”_

_“I don’t see you throwing out any suggestions, love.”_

_“Well, you’re the challenger, aren’t you? Give me a reason, Revan. I am_ so _interested.”_

_“Interesting. I’m glad. How about… dinner? I’ll give you your shovel in exchange for your time. With me. Your time with me.”_

_There it was. He was clamming up, awkwardness finally catching up to him in place of the smooth persona he occasionally liked to put on. “Fine, but I get to pick the place. And nothing fancy. I only know how to use one fork.”_

_“We can always just use shovels.”_

_“That is_ not _funny.”_

* * *

 “Finn, that update oh my g-o-d. I need more.”

“No can do. That shit’s top secret.”

“You literally posted the outline on your Tumblr.”

“Are you sure, though? It could be a fake, and you’re all accepting something completely different from what’s planned. Just because I’m a genius. You’re welcome, you’re welcome. Hold the applause.”

Rose barked out a laugh. “You’re like the dumbest person I know. You are not fooling anyone.”

They bickered back and forth for a few minutes as Rey scrolled through her Discord, an application Finn had introduced her to a few months ago when she first joined the fandom. She had been graciously welcomed into a writing group chat by Finn’s friends and the few other people that occasionally lurked there but never chatted with them.

“He’s not hiding anything,” Rey piped up eventually, interrupting the two from getting into it for the third time this week. “I hear him sobbing in his room every night after writing anything from chapter eleven, and he constantly leaves his computer docs up. That outline was most definitely not a fake. Bitch just wants validation.”

“This bitch most definitely wants validation,” Finn said. “Don’t talk to me about that, though. Yesterday Rey threw popcorn at me until I reblogged her fic promo to my blog.”

“That is a completely valid method, Finn. Don’t make me out to be some kind of monster!”

Rose giggled. “Okay, but for real, Rey, that chapter was amazing. I’m so proud of you. You’re getting so popular. It’s like seeing my own child all grown up. Getting the kudos. That reminds me that I still need to make a gifset for you. I’ve gotten so much inspiration from that fic. It’s just so adorable.”

“Ack, please don’t do that. I don’t think my heart can take it, Rose. Do you want me to die?”

In all honesty, Rey was pretty sure she already had. It’d been only two months since she published the first chapter of her fanfic. It was the most basic thing ever—a flowershop AU. It was the type of an AU one would expect a 13-year-old to write at the start of their writing career before realizing that they were absolutely shit at it and moved on to more normal stuff like spending the rest of their life hiding the fact that they wrote cringe as fuck fanfiction. Not that Rey would know at all.

The fic had had an extremely warm reception from her fellow fandom members with a little help from Finn’s promos and a few meme posts. Finn’s other best friend, Rose, and his boyfriend, Poe, had also been a great help. They acted now as the family she never really had, even being so new to their groupchat.

Aside from them, she’d gained a few hundred followers on Tumblr, a big change from the very few she had originally. Even though Rey was years out of secondary school, it felt like being the popular girl for once in her life, not the weird girl who liked anime and writing but got into fights almost twice a week and almost always lost.

The fic wasn’t even very good. It wasn’t her first by any means, and it wouldn’t be her last, but in comparison to everyone else on the site, it just wasn’t deserving of all the praise it was getting, even from Rose, one of her best friends and one of the most talented people in the fandom. It was ridiculous the people liked her fic of all things. Even Finn’s weirdass smut fics were better than hers on most occasions. Rey paired it down to luck that she was even vaguely popular in any way, shape, or form.

“Yo, have y’all read any of Kylo Ren’s fics?” Rose asked, interrupting Rey’s daily self-deprecating mental rant. “I know you don’t like him much, Finn, but his last update on _Carcass_ absolutely killed me, holy shit.”

Finn huffed into the microphone, and Rey swore she heard him curse through the wall that was actually physically separating them. “No, we do not talk about Kylo Ren in this group chat. Have you forgotten we he did to me?”

“He called your fics weird, Finn. You act like it was a personal affront of your character. Calm down.”

 _Kylo Ren._ The name sounded familiar, but Rey wasn’t sure if she ever read any of his fics. Finn had given her a list of people to not follow in the fandom when she started becoming more active. Maybe that was it? “Who’s Kylo Ren?”

The mic was silent for a few moments, no one rushing to speak on it for the time being until Rose spoke. “Fic writer. Finn hates his guts.”

“More than his guts,” Finn said. “He’s the worst fucking person I’ve ever met.”

Rey’s known Finn for many years, knew how dramatic he was, but he actually sounded completely serious. “Just over him not liking one of your fics? Really? Isn’t that a little petty?”

Finn sighed. “It’s not just that. He and his friends… did some things. I don’t like to talk about it a lot, but it’s shitty."

Rey knew about fandom fuckery all too well. Even in the two months she’d been in the _Legends_ fandom, there hadn’t been a shortage of fighting from different groups of people. There were the “Brevans,” there were “antis,” there were people who didn’t care either way. Most fights took place between those three groups in some way. Where did they stand with this then? “Explain. I want the tea.”

“It was back when the last movie just came out. I knew Brevan was a thing obviously, and I was writing fic about it. Well, Kylo Ren and his groupies are… well, I’m not sure if they’re antis or just general losers, but I don’t care either way. Basically someone asked Kylo whether he had read my fics, and Kylo said no and that he didn’t plan to. That would’ve been fine and stuff because I know my fics are not everyone’s cups of tea, but his friends ended up talking publicly about how shitty my fics are. Keep in mind that he’s one of the most popular blogs in the entire fandom, so when that happened it got circulated around, and my first fic, which was obviously shitty, ended up being a meme on Tumblr for like a week.”

“Oh shit,” Rey said.

“Yep. All of his goons came after me, and I had to change my URL like three times until it finally stopped. I still get anons about it sometimes, but I opt to ignore it at this point. Still, though, I can’t forgive Kylo for what he did. I was so upset, but there was nothing I could really do about it. I didn’t really have any followers, and he was a _huge_ blog.”

Finn had never disclosed this to her. She had noticed back in December he had been acting different than usual, but she just assumed it had been the stress of the holidays, not some weirdass internet drama that he hadn’t told her about. Had it really been this bad and she just never noticed?

Rey didn’t know what to say. What was there to say when your best friend just revealed he was cyberbullied? “I’m sorry, Finn. I won’t read his fics if they upset you so much.”

“Nah, it’s fine. Read them if you want. I’ve even read one. I didn’t think it was anything special, but ultimately that’s up for you to decide, you know? I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but I absolutely would not recommending interacting on any level.”

That she could do. Rey hated many things, but bullies were absolutely near the top of the list, and if Finn’s description of _kyloren_ was anywhere close to accurate, then that was exactly what he was.

Finn spoke again after their prolonged silence when absolutely no one spoke. “Okay, I’m gonna go get some food. Don’t be emo, alright? Let’s put this all behind us now.”

“Or,” Rose said, her first words in the last few minutes, “we could continue this subject by roasting his fics. I like them, but there are some definitely roast-worthy things in there I could find if you guys are interested. It could be therapeutic for Finn.”

Finn laughed. “Okay, that I am absolutely down for. Give me five minutes, and I will be there.”

* * *

 

> **Ginger Bitch** Today at 11:47 PM
> 
> Hey  
> Guess what
> 
> **Mitakky** Today at 11:47 PM _  
>  _ You got laid
> 
> **Phas** Today at 11:47 PM _  
>  _ Brevan is dead
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 11:47 PM _  
>  _ They’re deleting Tumblr
> 
> **Ginger Bitch** Today at 11:47 PM   
>  All of which I wish was true but no   
> Some Brevan blog reblogged my art and called it “cool”
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 11:48 PM   
> Now I know for sure they have no taste
> 
> **Ginger Bitch** Today at 11:49 PM _  
>  _ I will ban you from this fucking server
> 
> **Phas** Today at 11:50 PM _  
>  _ Hey assholes go into the voice channel
> 
> **Mitakky** Today at 11:50 PM _  
>  _ Oh no

“What are we in trouble for?” Ben asked the moment the call connected.

The faint hum of the background noise filled the silence briefly as the rest of their chat (what little of them was here anyway) joined the call. “Nothing.” Phasma’s sharp British accent rang out. A few would’ve found it attractive, but he’d been chewed out with that very voice too many times to think so. Brits could be absolutely vicious. “I just couldn’t stand Hux’s stupid fucking name enough to read as he double-texted over and over.”

“Fuck off,” Hux bit back.

Ben could vaguely hear Mitaka chanting “Fight, fight, fight” in the background as Hux and Phasma bickered back and forth about whatever the fuck their panties were in a twist about this time. Ben tended to ignore them, their relationship too complicated for them to understand half the time, let alone any outside parties.

“Hey,” he finally said, “for once in your sorryass lives, please do shut up.”

Surprisingly, Phasma was the first to respond. “Fine. Reblog my edits, assholes.”

“Which shitty indie movie did you use for it this time?”

“Fuck off, Hux.” After a moment of silence she added, “ _Metropolitan._ ”

“I knew it.”

 _Jesus Christ._ “Have any of you read any good fics lately? I need some fic recs that aren’t utter trash like the ones I find when I look them up.” Hopefully that would steer them away from arguing out loud. Ben wasn’t jealous of the fact he couldn’t see their private messages.

“I’ve stopped looking in the tags.” Hux’s voice took on his usual disinterested tone, as if he was only half-listening to what Ben had to say. Which was probably true. “The shitty Brevans are everywhere. I can’t read anything without it showing up. They multiply like rabbits. I should write more trollfics to fuck with them.”

Mitaka laughed. “You got anons for weeks afterward and bitched about it the entire time. I will not let you put us through that again.”

“Details.”

While their voice call went on, Ben tuned them out and went back onto his Tumblr dashboard. He followed very few blogs, never finding most people’s content interesting enough. It was rare that he followed people and even rarer that he reblogged their content to his blog. This attitude should’ve gotten him no followers, but it seemed to have the adverse effect. Which was fine. Ben didn’t do things for followers. They just came to him that way.

He honestly tried not to spend a lot of time on Tumblr anyway. It was a distraction, something that kept him from writing, which was never acceptable. His work in progress, _Carcass,_ was too demanding to waste time on trivial things, only 19 chapters and already approaching 200,000 words. He updated every other week and received around 300 comments on each chapter. This was why he couldn’t disappoint them. The stakes were too high for that.

Some may have called him overly focused on perfectionism, and maybe that was true, but if it wasn’t perfect then what was the point? If it was anything else, he’d be done for. He couldn’t be like those shitty AU writers who wrote weirdly niche fic that was supposed to be funny but never really got there.

Even through all exhausting efforts, _Carcass_ wasn’t perfect, not by any means. It was good maybe, but one slip up and people would drop it. Ben couldn’t risk that. The kudos and comments and bookmarks and hits, they weren’t just numbers. They were the reason he kept himself alive most of the time.

“Holy shit. Shit, shit, shit.” Ben could vaguely hear Mitaka swearing through the line. “Fuck. Hux, I’m gonna send you something real quick.”

“If this is another meme, Mitaka, I’m going to kill yo—holy shit.”

“What is it?” Phasma butt in. “Send now.”

 _It’s probably another meme._ “Jesus Christ, what now?” Ben asked, not switching over to the Discord tab quite yet.

“Look at the screenshots, Ben.”

He almost wanted to ignore Hux out of spite and self-preservation, but he ended up switching tabs anyway. Ben expected a lot of things, but this… wasn’t it. Screenshots, four of them, of another Discord if the colors were any indication, and on them were three different users talking about him. Or, more specifically, his fic.

 

> **reyEET** Yesterday at 11:57 AM   
>  Ok so i looked on this guy’s blog and lowkey creeps me out   
>  I mean what kind of name is “kyloren”   
> It sounds like a porn star
> 
> **Finnigan** Yesterday at 11:57 AM   
>  I doubt his dick is big enough lmao   
>  God i’m reading his last fic called “Vessels” or some shit (edited)   
>  And i’m convinced he’s writing revan as a self-insert   
> Tell me i’m not crazy
> 
> **reyEET** Yesterday at 12:04 PM   
>  Let me look   
>  Oh god you’re prlly right lmfao   
>  I hope he’s like 14 because that’s what his writing feels like lowkey   
> does this make us bad poeple
> 
> **Finnigan** Yesterday at 2:06 AM   
>  nah fam ofc not   
> Kylo Ren is a thot
> 
> **reyEET** Yesterday at 2:07 AM   
>  Ok true   
>  But also mood   
> Lmfao I wonder if he knows how absolutely shitty this is

Ben couldn’t look anymore. The single screenshot was enough to send his heart rate spiking, and there were at least three more. He had no idea who the hell these people were, so why were they trashing him in their chat?

“W-Where is this?” he managed to choke out, knuckles turning white from his hands balled into fists.

“Some server made for _Legends_ writers,” Mitaka said. “I joined because it wasn’t ship-exclusive, but it soon turned that way since all the mods are Brevans and there weren’t a lot of people in the chat in the first place. I stayed in because I thought maybe it would be useful. Seems like maybe it was? Not sure yet.”

Ben heard Hux laugh, but he was too busy trying to focus on breathing to pay attention. “This is great. This is amazing. We can publish these screenshots on a callout post and show people how shitty they are.”

“No,” Ben managed. “No, I don’t want anyone seeing this. T-This is humiliating.”

“Who cares? They’re the ones who were shitty. We can ruin their lives. It’ll be perfect. Take one for the team.”

“Fuck no. Do not publish those screenshots, Hux. I swear to God, if you do I’l—”

“You’ll, what? Publish them yourself? Damn it, Ben, don’t be a selfish prick.” There was a heartbeat of silence before Hux sighed. “Fine, I won’t post them.”

Ben wasn’t sure he believed that, not at all, but it was as close to a promise as he was going to get, so it was good enough for now. The call went on talking, ranting about whatever the fuck they deemed worthy now, but Ben kept his attention completely on the first screenshot he was sent.

It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. He should’ve been able to take criticism and not care about the shit strangers talked, especially Brevan shippers, but damn it, it did hurt. And this was just one out of four. If he stayed here longer, Ben knew he’d look at the rest of the screenshots, knew he had very little restraint in situations like this, so he switched the tabs. “I’m going to go to bed.”

Ben didn’t wait for their goodbyes, but he doubted they would’ve come anyway. Instead, he immediately disconnected from the call and closed his laptop, setting it down on the floor next to him. Tomorrow would be better. It had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hEY! I'm not really sure if this fic is gonna be updating on a schedule or not, but I'm posting this early because I'm done with school and wanted a little gift to myself! If you're done with school, congrats! If you're not, keep on keeping on! If you're in the workforce, you're amaze too. Have a good friday!!
> 
> Follor my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	3. Nasty Little Bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Suicide-baiting. Kinda stuff you'd see on the internet.

“Rey, get up.”

“Wha—” Her eyes flew open as her phone fell to the floor. She was on the edge of the bed, one arm dangling off and body dangerously close to joining her phone.  _ 8:12am,  _ the clock on her bedside table read.  _ What in God’s name? _ “What happened? It’s not my turn to do the dishes. I did them last time.” Rey looked up at him with bleary eyes and noticed the laptop in his hands. “What’s going on?”

“There’s something you need to see.” Finn sat down as Rey forced herself to sit up, setting the laptop between them. The screen was a site Rey hadn’t seen before, but it had the Tumblr watermark at the side. A blog, then, with a black theme and irritatingly small text that she had to squint to see. The post she imagined Finn was wanting her to see was long at first glance but had no  _ read more _ attached it and was made by the blog  _ revans. _ Of course.

> _ It saddens me that I have to come out with the following news, but in light of recent events of the Legends community, I feel it necessary to share. I, myself, am not a Brevan shipper, but I know there are many decent shippers out there that will be disgusted by what I’m about to tell you about a few of your fellow fandom members. _
> 
> _ Yesterday, I found out via an anonymous source that my best friend @kyloren ‘s fics were bashed in a PUBLIC Discord server meant for writers of all ships by users @bijediknight @rosyrevan and (most viciously) @reyoflight . I know receipts are needed to make any of this believable, so here are the ones I received by my source: _

Attached were four screenshots of their chat that Rey barely recognized. The messages were definitely real, but ragging on Kylo’s fics had mostly been a blur before moving their conversation on. It was just a one time thing. This wasn’t supposed to happen.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. _

> _ As you can see here, the people here tore apart my friend’s fics with no shame or morals, like animals with no sense humanity. It deeply saddens me that this fandom deals with so much bullying, most of it going on with no contempt. How would they feel if someone copied and pasted their work into a chatroom and then tore it to shreds? How would you feel if this happened to one of your friends? _
> 
> _ Remember, the people in this group chat are absolutely adults. They should be held accountable for what they did to my best friend. This is bullying at its finest, and I will not stand for it in this or any community. _
> 
> _ In the end, I’m not trying to start drama, not trying to send people on witch-hunts, but I just want to make you stop and think about who you interact with, and  _ how _ you interact with fanmedia. Don’t like a fic? Backclick, don’t do what these people did. _
> 
> _ I’m going to block these users, and I suggest you do as well. Be wary of groupchats and the activities with them, and always think before you act. I hope you all send @kyloren well-wishes and tell him how much you love his fics to prove these vile people wrong. _
> 
> _ Remember, don’t fight what you hate. Support what you love. _
> 
> _ X _
> 
> _ Hux _

“That fucking asshole.” Rey felt bile in her throat. “Damn it. Who leaked the chats? Who did it?”

Finn shook his head and clicked the notes button on the post. “I have no idea. I just messaged Rose, but she hasn’t responded yet. I need to message Beebee now and see if they can track who did it, but it’s like 4am in Hawaii right now, so I doubt we’ll get an answer anytime soon.”

Rey nodded as she tried to blink away the dizziness that was completely encompassing her. It was just a joke. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She didn’t even know Kylo Ren, didn’t care about his fics at all. This was a joke. Couldn’t people see that?

Apparently not.

1,037 likes and 679 reblogs. Just perfect.

> **revandipitous** reblogged this post   
>  **bookly-fandoms** reblogged this post   
>  **bastilas** liked this post   
>  **bastilas** reblogged this post and added:  _ jfc this is so awful. Sending my love to @kyloren Your writing is absolutely amazing and i’m always on the edge of my seat waiting for updates. Don’t listen to the haters bby _ __  
>  **datmalak** liked this post   
>  **burnsey** reblogged this post and added:  _ this is so fucking gross. brevans are the worst kinds of people, and they’re ALWAYS the ones to pull this shit. no morals i swear to god. @kyloren is the best writer in this goddamn fandom _ _  
>  _ **revanland** liked this post   
>  **revanland** reblogged this post and added:  __ This is so disappointing. I’m a Brevan shipper, but i hate how my fellow fans act sometimes. I’ve personally never read his fics, but he just earned a follow and I’ll get on it asap. @kyloren im here if you ever need to talk

They scrolled and scrolled and scrolled. There was no one defending them, no one explaining that this was all some big misunderstanding. Why would there be? The proof was in the screenshots, but the context wasn’t. No one knew that they were only ripping on the fics because Kylo caused Finn’s harassment. They didn’t knew, and she honestly doubted any of them cared.

Were they horrible people? No, this was just a mistake, a misunderstanding. People would understand if the just apologized, right? Rey thought back to what Finn told her about the fandom, about how you had to pray that you stayed on popular blogs’ good sides. It was too late then. She’d already broken one of the biggest rules of fandom. What was next?

Rey grabbed her laptop from the other side of her bed and turned it on, willing the old piece of shit to hurry up. While it was still loading, Rey clicked on Chrome and typed in the tumblr website address. Finn didn’t ask her what she was doing; it was obvious enough. The moment the familiar blue screen showed up, a chill ran down her spine. There were 23 asks and 17 messages in her inboxes already. The post was made only 7 hours ago.

> _ Anonymous asked: _ _  
>  _ Are you happy with yourself, bitch
> 
> _ Anonymous asked: _ _  
>  _ I’m really disappointed in what this fandom’s turned into with people like you joining. You should be ashamed of yourself
> 
> _ Anonymous asked:  _ _  
>  _ Ur fics suck anyway. You’re prbly just jealous Kylo Ren is a better writer than you are. 
> 
> _ Anonymous asked: _ _  
>  _ lol what the hell man. cyberbullying is absolutely not okay, even to antis like kylo ren. i’m not trying to tell you how to live your life or anything but it’s the people like you who give us shippers such a bad rap. you should apologize to kylo
> 
> _ Anonymous asked: _ _  
>  _ Kill yourself

Rey wasn’t a stranger to suicide baiting, online or in real life, but seeing the words still made her avert her eyes. All she’d done was make fun of some dude, a grownass adult, and she was already being told to kill herself. That was definitely Tumblr for you.

It was minutes later of scrolling through her messages—most just telling her what a bitch she was, some occasional death threats—when Finn finally stopped staring at the godforsaken post and went back to his own dashboard, his asks already open. “This was how I found out about it. So many people telling me to kill myself and that I was a lowlife. I had no fucking idea what happened and had to search it for myself. This is all so messed up.”

“You’re telling me. I hope Rose will do okay. She doesn’t deserve any of this. I know she actually likes Kylo’s stuff.”

Finn shrugged. “We’ll find out soon enough. For now, we just have to figure out our way to deal with the aftermath of this.”

* * *

Ben’s phone buzzed, but he ignored it. He’d been ignoring it for hours, actually, never bothering to turn it off but never bothering to check it either. He just laid down, staring up at the popcorn on the ceiling as the world seemed to unfurl around him. Really, he shouldn’t have been so surprised. He knew, he  _ knew _ that Hux wouldn’t listen to him. When Hux wanted to do something, no one stopped him, especially not  _ promises. _

The post was garbage. Ben had no idea who the people ragging on him were, but it wasn’t like he cared, and he most definitely didn’t care enough to let other people find out about it. They were entitled to their opinions, weren’t they? Why couldn’t Hux have just left this the fuck alone for once in his sad, miserable life? 

Of course, Ben wasn’t stupid; he already knew the answer to that question. Hux was incredibly fake, even if the people on the post couldn’t see it. He didn’t care about Ben or what people said about him. He cared about destroying people from top to bottom, tainting their name until they were only a faint memory in the deep reaches of the fandom. 

It was a dangerous way to play. There had been one situation Ben remembered vividly where some art blog had vagued Hux. They ended up deleting the post a few hours later, but the dogs had already been sent out. Within a day their blog was deleted with no trace of them again. Ben remembered someone in their server joking that they killed themselves, but nothing was ever proven. He never heard from that person again.

There had been others too. Some were adults, a few were just teenagers, but Hux never discriminated in who he ran off the site. For him, they were just icons on a screen, IP addresses just waiting to be released, people in his way. Of what exactly? Ben wasn’t sure Hux even knew that himself.

Ben didn’t consider himself a cyberbully, but he doubted most cyberbullies did. Sure, he’d done some questionably shady things, but never harassed people, no matter how foul he found them. He was more of a… block and move on type. Harassment came with too much drama, a tangle of emotions he wasn’t equipped to deal with. 

Being a victim of harassment (If one could even call it that) was quite a different experience. His inbox was being spammed with messages, more than usual, from well-wishers and people showing support he didn’t need. Ben didn’t want their pity validation, didn’t want anything from them. 

67 asks, 37 messages. It wasn’t enough that Ben had to get bashed by a bunch of nobodies, but Hux  _ had  _ to go and make a post on it and have people give him sympathy. No, he’d rather have dealt with this alone like he did everything.

Maybe he should’ve liked the attention, should have liked the influx of activity on his fics, but it was overshadowed and negated by the humiliation of the situation. He didn’t want comments from people who only read because someone was mean to him. People actually figured he  _ cared.  _ That was what pissed him off more than anything. 

Ben hadn’t checked Discord since this morning, since he woke up and had seen the shit Hux had gotten him into just before he’d had to get ready for work. Needless to say, he chewed him out, maybe excessively but perhaps not. Perhaps he deserved it. (No, he definitely deserved it.)

> **Hux** _ Today at 9:07 PM _   
>  Are you really going to ignore me forever?   
>  It was just a post, Ben, stop being such a bitch about it
> 
> **Hux** _ Today at 10:26 PM _   
>  Okay fine I get it whatever asshole
> 
> **Hux** _ Today at 11:14 PM _   
>  You can forget about me betaing for you ever again   
>  Those fucking Brevans were right about one thing:   
>  Your fic is shit and it always will be   
>  You were nothing without me

Ben didn’t message him back, but he didn’t block him either. This had been the fifth fight they’d gotten into in the past month. Maybe this was why Ben didn’t mind his fics being called shit as much as one usually would. It was an accurate description. It was the first word he’d use for it himself.

* * *

 If there was one thing Rey really should’ve been more focused on, it was her school. MIT didn’t like slackers, especially not on their scholarship programs. She usually paid such close attention, was the first hand raised in class, got near perfect scores on all her tests, but today she almost didn’t bother showing up to class, wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the absence policy. 

So Rey showed up in days old sweatpants and a messy bun and dark circles. She didn’t take notes, didn’t really listen, just stared at a blank document in front of her—for what? For writing? No, there was no point in that anymore, not when every comment she’d gotten today had been telling her she should delete her account, picking apart every sentence in the fic to prove some kind of point. 

Had Rey been proud of what happened? No. She didn’t know Kylo Ren well enough to get any meaningful satisfaction out of ripping on his fic. It had just been something she’d gone along with but had enjoyed entirely too much. It wasn’t like her, ask anyone that knew her. Tearing people apart was never at the top of the list that brought her any amount of happiness, but she’d done it, hadn’t she?

It didn’t matter that it was Kylo Ren, some douche that had caused Finn to get attacked in December. He was still likely a human being, still had feelings despite what she’d been told. Rey was just quite possibly a terrible person. Just a few months in the fandom and Rey had already turned into who she vowed absolutely never to be. 

Even as the hours went by, this fact never left her mind. She was tempted to tell the barista at Starbucks that her name was “abominable wench” just to get the point across, but in the end just took her iced coffee and sat out in the chilly mid-October weather. Rey had never gotten entirely used to the weather in Massachusetts, a stark contrast between where she spent her childhood in western Nevada. Here the sun was never quite as hot, but it wasn’t something she minded at all.

Back when she was choosing universities, Rey almost went with the University of Toronto. Their engineering program hadn’t been the best, but it was out of the country, away from her former foster father Unkar. In the end, MIT had offered her a full ride and was one of the best technical schools in the entire world. Being across the country had been a big plus.

It wasn’t that she was ungrateful toward Unkar, except it was exactly that. “Character-building” had been his excuse for the things he’d done to her. “Accident-prone” had been his excuse to the nurses at the emergency room when it absolutely didn’t take a genius to look at a paper and see that it was her fifth visit this year. “Spoiled brat” had been his excuse to the social worker as to why she was so adamant on leaving. 

But that was in the past. It didn't matter. Now she just had to focus on finishing university while keeping her scholarship and get a job in the field that she wanted. Well, that and trying to deal with her massive internet fuck-up.

When Rey got back to her and Finn’s apartment, a dingy old place far from campus but just cheap enough that they could afford both rent and food with some money left over for internet, she was alone for the first time in what felt like ages. It was just past 6, which meant Finn was still working as a janitor—”Custodian,” Finn always insisted on calling it—at the high school down the street for the next few hours until he got off at 9.

Rey should’ve done a lot of things while he was gone. She was hungry, dishes needed done, and the bathroom was leaking again, but she found herself slumping down on the couch and opening her laptop again. Her Tumblr was a mess of anon hate and her favorite blogs vaguing her, but she couldn’t seem to pry her eyes away from it. The drama was addictive somehow, even if she was the one involved. 

Tumblr was a fucking disease, but Rey loved it more than she was willing to admit. 

Even so, she recognized when enough was enough. This needed to stop soon if not for her image, then for her mental health. Rey was technically in the wrong, true, but it wasn’t like she could fix something like this herself.

Honestly, she didn’t even exactly who Kylo Ren even  _ was,  _ but then again, she doubted most people did. As far as Rey knew, he was some asshole fic writer who was friends with the worst kinds of people on Tumblr. She trusted Finn to be a good judge of characters, but maybe he’d judged Kylo too quickly. And if he hadn’t, Rey was a strong believer in second chances, anyway. 

It was unconsciously that Rey found herself opening up Kylo’s blog on her dashboard. The mobile theme was black and white—predictable—with the header setting off and some piece of art she couldn’t recognize with a gun to her head. It was completely boring, perhaps an offset of his personality.

Wait, no, that wasn’t what she came here to do. Simple stalking for now. She could insult him later. Except she doubted her lowkey stalking would be easy since he didn’t have any information about him in his bio. There was no title either, just… a line.

_ “Here is my blessing and my curse” _

So he was one of  _ those _ people then. Alright, could be worse. He could be a furry. No, he could be a porn blog. That would definitely be worse. At least this way she would only semi-cringe every time she logged onto his blog. Except that wouldn’t happen, of course. This was just a one-time thing.

His posts were pretty standard. She couldn’t find any memes or anything funny at all, but they weren’t porn and they weren’t hentai, so everything was okay so far. He hadn’t answered any asks about the situation that she could see, but as Rey scrolled she came across just one post.

> _ People have been sending me numerous messages about what happened and how I’m feeling about it. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you may search it up or ask someone because I’m not in the mood to go and find the post again.  _
> 
> _ I simply just want to tell you all that I appreciate your well-wishes first and foremost. I’m not going to lie, hearing the comments made about my fic hurt a lot. I’ve always strived to do my best while writing. I don’t do it for money. I do it because I love to do it and I want to improve myself as a writer. You can imagine that hearing that I’m shit and write like a 14-year-old stung, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t harass anyone involved.  _
> 
> _ As for everything else, I’m going to refrain from commenting. I hope you understand. _
> 
> _ #personal _
> 
> _ 1,678 notes _

The anon hate hadn’t gotten to her. The suicide-baiting hadn’t gotten to her. The messages hadn’t gotten to her. The vaguing hadn’t gotten. Not much in this whole situation made Rey emotional, but of all the things that had happened, this one definitely did.

She really was a terrible person, wasn’t she? Kylo Ren apparently was a decent human being, and here she was stalking his blog to find something on him that would make  _ her _ feel less shitty about ripping on his fic. Except there was nothing. There was nothing.

God, what had she done to herself? She had to put a stop to this.

* * *

Ben couldn’t tell you what made him look at the blogs that ripped his fics apart.

He hated messes, and if there would be one word defining this whole situation, it would be that—a complete fucking disastrous mess. Now just top it off with him searching through each and every blog that had ripped on his fic. Nope, nope, nope. That was the line. He was completely out of his fucking mind.

He’d known that for a long time, and it never put a stop to his stupidass antics.

The first blog was  _ bijediknight. _ He vaguely knew the URL but had never interacted with them personally.  _ Finn  _ |  _ He/him  _ |  _ Bisexual  _ |  _ Fic writer  _ |  _ All-around trash  _ |  _ Message me, I’m nice! _ If Ben already didn’t dislike him, he would definitely now. Anyone who called themselves trash probably wasn’t worth talking to.

The second blog was  _ rosyrevan. _ Ben was actually surprised to have seen this blog on those listed. He knew Rose, kind of. She’d made him a gifset for his story  _ Vessels  _ a while back, and it had made a particularly shitty day a bit better. Even Hux admitted that it was good then. That was the first time in a long time he’d actually messaged someone himself, to thank her. She’d been such a nice girl. What happened? 

The last blog was  _ reyoflight.  _ He’d never heard of them, not at all. The URL wasn’t even related to  _ Legends,  _ so it made him question what their place even was in all this. When Ben clicked on the blog, he was nearly blinded. He’d spent the last few hours in a completely dark room on a very blue website, so suddenly seeing a bright yellow background was… unexpected. He squinted to read the white writing of her bio. 

_ Rey. I hate Tumblr and probably avocado toast. Haven’t decided yet.  _ Now that he could relate to at least. The header was what Ben assumed was a meme—he’d never been very good at those—and the icon was a daisy. It was a blog he’d expect a 13-year-old to have. For all he knew, she  _ was _ 13\. Wouldn’t that just be great?

When he did this, when he stalked people’s blogs, Ben didn’t usually look at their posts, but his eyes naturally drifted downward and saw the first post at the top of the blog.

> _ Hey, due to the recent events and stuff I decided it’s probably better for me to delete my blog. I enjoyed my time here a lot, but you know. Thanks to everyone who followed and supported me :) _
> 
> _ #personal #sorry you guys _
> 
> _ 6 notes _

It was made just a few minutes ago, according to the timestamp on it. Ben probably shouldn’t have cared, should’ve been happy most likely. Except, there was this feeling in his chest, one that he just couldn’t ignore. Was it because they were running away? Was it because they hadn’t even bothered to apologize? Ben didn’t know. All he knew was that he couldn’t let this person delete, no matter what they’d done to him.

> kyloren + reyoflight 
> 
> _ reyoflight _   
>  Posts about  _ #brevan  _ and  _ #personal  _
> 
> _ Write a message _

God, what was he doing? Only a fucking dumbass would be writing this message. Then again, that was exactly what he was, wasn’t he?

> **kyloren** **  
> ** Please don’t delete your blog.

He sent it before he had the chance to chicken out and waited for them to reply.  _  What the hell is wrong with, you stupid fuck? What have you done?  _ Ben could practically hear Hux’s voice in his head. Or maybe that was a self-preserving instinct.

Whatever it was, it was absolutely fucking right. His ancestors were probably turning in their graves, gossiping via some dead people group chat about how stupid their descendant was. Ben was already the disappointment of the family; just add this onto it, why don’t you?

Ben was about to turn off his computer and crawl into bed at only 6pm, except then he heard that annoying fucking _ swoosh  _ and then—

He looked up at the screen, heart caught in his throat. There it was.

> **reyoflight** **  
> ** What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO Y'ALL I'M SO SORRY. I was super busy this weekend and I totally forgot to update this lmfao sorry
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	4. 50 Shades of Yikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoops

Rey had a lot of strange things happen in her life. She’d been a strange happening herself, showing up in the Mojave desert as a child with no recollection of exactly how she’d gotten there. Human trafficking was one theory, aliens was another. She’d been a puzzle to every social worker and foster family and even herself.

Nothing had ever been quite as strange as receiving a message from  _ kyloren,  _ though. 

The moment the notification popped up, she nearly fell off her couch and spilled the bowl of popcorn—tonight’s dinner since Finn wasn’t home to cook—all over the floor. For a brief second, she thought she’d died, that she’d never existed at all and time was an illusion and the universe was just an abyss of lies, and then her eyes settled on the notification on her phone to prove that it was indeed real, and, fuck it all, it was.

Her thumb hovered over the notification as she considered the message. There could only be one reason he was messaging her, right? He was telling her to fuck off and cussing her out and hoping she died. That was what any sane person would do. Then again, was anyone on Tumblr ever sane? A question to consider as she clicked on the message.

> **kyloren** **  
>  ** Please don’t delete your blog.

It was at this point, Rey was absolutely certain she was fucking insane. There was no way in hell that  _ kyloren,  _ the writer she’d said wrote like a 14-year-old, was messaging her to tell her not to delete her blog. No way. Or maybe it was reverse psychology. Or maybe it was a virus; Those were prevalent on Tumblr. Or—

Fuck it.

> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** What?

_ Who are you and why are you talking to me? _

_ No, I’m not sending you nudes. _

_ Also, are you okay? _

So many questions, so little time. Rey’s eyes were glued to the two messages for a minute. She’d just been about to delete her blog, scrolling through it with nostalgia before shutting it down one last time. Honestly, it would definitely be for the better. If a future employer or potential backstabber ever found this, she’d be done for. There were just too many Pokemon Go memes to reasonably be up.

The next notification made her actually audibly shriek, like a teenager receiving a text from her crush, not a grown woman having some fucking weirdass conversation with a stranger on Tumblr. This was fine. Totally, absolutely fine.

> **kyloren** **  
>  ** Please don’t delete your blog.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** yeah u already said that. i’m asking what the hell you’re talking about.

Was this guy on drugs? What was wrong with him?

> **kyloren** **  
>  ** I saw your post on your blog. I’d prefer if you didn’t delete your Tumblr. It seems unnecessary. 

_ Seems unnecessa—Who the fuck is this guy? _

> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** i don’t recall asking for your opinion
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** And I don’t recall asking you to publicly trash my fic, yet here we are.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** Touché 
> 
> Rey almost debated saying something she knew she’d immediately regret, but she refrained. That’d be a good skill to learn for next time.
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  sorry abt that btw   
>  i don’t usually do that kind of thing   
>  tho it would’ve been nice if you hadn’t sent your dogs after me but ok
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  I didn’t do anything to you but okay.   
>  Blame Hux for that.   
>  I asked him not to.
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  look at the good that did   
>  tumblr’s practically disowned me now
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?   
>  Newsflash, kid. I’m not the one who publicly bashed a complete stranger’s fic. 
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  excuse me? I am not a child. I told you I was sorry.   
>  and also, we were in a private chat. It was NOT public.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** That’s not what my friend said.
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  yea well your friend is lying.   
>  No one new had joined the chat in months and no more than five people were ever active at a time. Your “friend” was probably the dude who was always on do not disturb and never talked to us, right? Sure. Yeah. Keep calling it public if you want, but it wasn’t.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** So you can use correct sentence structure. 
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  fuck off

Rey hadn’t exactly expected a reply back, but there was a part of her that had been… disappointed. Who did he think he is to ask her not to delete her blog after she’d been sent anon after anon trying to get her to do that exact thing? Any sane person would want the person who’d attacked them to delete. It was just common sense, wasn’t it?

Whatever. Kylo Ren, whoever the fuck he was, didn’t matter, and he never would. Rey shut her computer then, determined to forget everything that happened. 

* * *

 There was little seen of _kyloren_ after that day. He never messaged her back, and Rey didn’t mind that much at all. Instead, she focused her attention on herself, her fic, and forgetting about this whole damned situation. Rey didn’t delete her blog, but it was _not_ because of _kyloren._ It was only through Finn’s many insistences that she kept her blog active, even through the anon hate and messages. In the end, she had been immensely grateful for it. (Even if she would never admit that to him.)

Eventually things calmed down enough that Rey only occasionally received the anons telling her to kill herself and comments trashing her fics out of spite. She was still somewhat popular by now, but it seemed that most of the Brevan fandom didn’t believe Hux’s bullshit any more than she did. The man had gained a reputation, and it was definitely not a good one.

After the whole debacle, the admin, Kaydel, had completely deleted the server and put them in a completely new and private one. Kaydel was understanding about the whole situation. She hated Kylo and his dogs herself, so she’d been easy to get along with. Along with Rey, the rest of the group consisted of Finn, Poe, Rose, and some others named Jessika and BB that they hadn’t gotten to know too well yet. 

They rarely talked about the events of October, preferring to keep it out of the chat more or less, but jokes were still made, especially about Kylo Ren. Rey never mentioned the fact that he messaged her to anyone, not even Finn. It wasn’t exactly that she’d was purposely keeping it from them, but, really, there was no need. Everything was in the past, and it was going to stay that way.

At least, until Tumblr had anything to say about it.

“Shit, shit, shit,  _ shit. _ ”

Finn looked up at her from the chair across from her. He didn’t stop typing Gods-knows-what as his fingers sped across the keyboard. “What?”

“N-Nothing. Accidentally deleted my doc. It’s fine, though, I can undo.” He nodded once and looked back to his keyboard, and Rey was suddenly very grateful for Finn’s terrible lie detection skills.

Of-fucking-course it would be this. Of-fucking-course it would be Tumblr who glitched and made her accidentally send her message to  _ kyloren _ . Why the hell did they put him as a suggestion of who to message, anyway? Then again, why did Tumblr do anything anymore?

> **reyoflight sent a post** **  
>  ** _ “Me: *logging on to tu…” _

If Tumblr wasn’t such a hellsite maybe she could’ve deleted the message before he saw like on Discord. Then again, if Tumblr wasn’t such a hellsite they wouldn’t have had a post like this in the first place. This wasn’t just NSFW. This was not safe for yourself. 

She could always just ignore it. Maybe he wouldn’t even reply. She didn’t know where he lived, but maybe he was asleep right now and she had time to figure out what the  _ fuck  _ to do.

Except, there was that  _ swoosh _ and then Rey knew there was absolutely no turning back. Time to play it cool.

> **kyloren** **  
>  ** WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT 
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  What does it look like   
>  A cat man fisting a dude with mustard while a demon woman looks on
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** Yeah but why did you send it to me
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** accident
> 
> **kyloren**   
>  Are you sure or did you just want to subject me to that horror?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** that wasn’t the plan, but now that you mention it that sounds like a good one

Okay, this was fine. All she just had to do now was hope he didn’t reply like how their conversation ended last time. This would be fine.

> **kyloren** **  
>  ** Of course it does.

There it was, her out. See, not everything in life had to be difficult, even if it involved  _ kyloren. _ Except as she switched tabs back to her doc, another message came through. 

> **kyloren** ****  
>  I read one of your fics by the way.    
>  The oneshot with Bastila being sick.    
>  It wasn’t bad.

_ What the actual fuck is happening? _ This Kylo guy was absolutely insane, absolutely insane, for sure. No sane fucking person read the fic of a person who’d insulted him and said nice things about it. That just didn’t happen. Or if it did, Rey was in all the wrong kinds of fandom. 

> **reyoflight**   
>  what 

She waited for his reply, but then 20 minutes passed and she exited out of Tumblr, equal parts confused and frustrated.

* * *

Days usually passed quickly, especially as winter approached and the darkness just seemed to come earlier and earlier, but everything just seemed to stretch on. Snow crunched under Rey’s feet as she walked down the sidewalk, her breath visible in the air. It was only November, but there had already been multiple cancellations due to weather at her university. That would’ve been great for anyone else, but the heating in her and Finn’s apartment had gone out the past week and there was no money left in their maintenance jar to fix it.

This meant that instead of trudging around in her ratty pajamas, Rey had to get up and loiter in Starbucks for hours just to get her daily internet fix in. She knew the barista working at the front by heart now—Kora? Korr? Korin? Okay, maybe not by  _ heart _ —and they made small talk as Rey ordered a small, overpriced but delicious blueberry muffin from their pastry shelf. Yes, this was where she felt welcome for once in her life, at one of the seven perpetually-hiring Starbucks within a five-mile radius, where high school girls stared at her in disgust (Yes, she was their worst nightmare and what they’d become within the next few years) and the wifi was a little less than mediocre.

Her homework took up most of her time now, along with studying. Semester finals were in just a few weeks, and if she got less than an 85% on any of them, her 4.0 would absolutely suffer. Even so, she wasn’t studying as much as she should’ve been. It was Tumblr again, of course, debatably the most distracting site on Earth. 

**10 People You Won’t Believe ACTUALLY Exist**

It was at least the fifth video of the type she’d watched that afternoon. None of them were  _ actually _ real, just some photoshop magic that Rey could’ve done at age 16 with one hand tied behind her back, but she’d give the channel points for effort. In the end, she was honestly just… bored. 

Massachusetts was boring, plain and simple. Rey was sure that if she drove into any other state in the continental US, she’d find a place there that looked exactly like Massachusetts. California at least had snakes in their endless abyss of a desert. Here they had snow and something called the “Mayflower,” whatever that was. 

Still, she wouldn’t trade the boring snow and history for anything, especially not the sandy hell that was Unkar Plutt’s junkyard. Even if Massachusetts wasn’t her home now, Rey would have the opportunity to move anywhere now if her career would work out like it was supposed to. Anywhere, she could go anywhere. She could make her home what she wanted it. 

Rey’s phone buzzed, cutting off the emo monologue that was about to go through her head for the sixth time that week.

> **Finn**   
>  Dinner tonight?   
>  Ramen or ramen?
> 
> **Rey**   
>  i was actually thinking steak with chardonnay and escargot. Ramen? What kind of peasant do you make me out to be.
> 
> **Finn** **  
>  ** Ok I’ll just shut off our internet for the month then
> 
> **Rey**   
>  nO
> 
> **Finn** **  
>  ** Ramen it is then.

It’d been the third day in a row they had it for dinner, and Rey was almost certain the sodium was draining the life from her. She just had to wait it out for a little longer, though. Just until they came up with enough money to fix their heating. When that was, it was anyone’s guess. 

Rey had a job as a Freshman last year, but several panic attacks and breakdowns later, both she and Finn decided it was best for her to just focus on her uni work. The extra income was vital, though, because even if Finn’s job paid well enough, it left barely enough for their utilities, let alone actual food.

Basically, they were the definition of broke college students. 

Enough was enough. Rey was tired of living on food with no nutrients. She was tired of constantly being cold. She was tired of having to think about what would happen if Finn kicked her out of their apartment with nowhere else to go. There were too many “ifs.”

It wasn’t like she’d have a ton of trouble getting a job. She’d graduated high school as valedictorian despite everything anyone ever said about her. She’d be able to get some kind of minimum wage fast food job where customers yelled more often than didn’t. Maybe her anxiety wouldn’t accept it, but her anxiety could fuck off. Rey needed some real fucking food.

And then her mind thought back to the “now hiring” sign in the window of the coffee shop that had been there practically since she moved into her apartment. _I could be a barista, couldn’t I_? Without really thinking about it, she walked to the counter where Korin, Kora, Korr, or something was reading a magazine—Business Insider judging by the cover.

“I’d like to inquire about a position here. Working, I mean. You know.”

K-something looked her up and down and flipped the magazine closed. “Okay then.”

* * *

_ “You shouldn’t be here.” Her voice sounded weak, shaky. And she was. She was weak and sad and just… tired.  _

_ Revan shook his head, wet hair sticking to his forehead as the rain poured around them. Bastila didn’t offer her umbrella, just stood there as his chest heaved. “Please. Please don’t leave like this. I’m begging you.” _

_ “Why? I don’t have anything you could ever possibly want, Revan. You already made that impossibly clear.”  _

_ “Bas, I’m sorry. I was stupid for ever rejecting you. I just… figured you were too good for me. I’m no good, and everyone knows it. You can leave if you want, but I can’t live with myself knowing you ever thought any of this was your fault. Please, I’m so so sorry.”  _

_ Bastila just looked at him for a moment then. She studied his face and the desperation in his eyes with just a hint of something else. He really was sincere, but sincerity just wasn’t enough. It would never be enough after everything he’d done. _

_ She should’ve listened to everyone who said he was bad news at the beginning, before she’d gotten in too deep and actually began to care about him. _

_ Bastila tightened her grip around her umbrella. “I’m sure you are.” _

_ Revan had called her brave once, and for a while she thought she was, but now that she was faced with one of the hardest decisions of her life, the only thing she could do now was walk away. _

Okay, so any other day Ben would not have even touched a Brevan fic, let alone actually opened it up and read it, but today was a special day. It was Thursday. Technically, that had nothing to do with it whatsoever, but it was the best excuse he had at the moment. 

And what had possessed him to start reading  _ Brevan  _ fanfic of all things? Well, it wasn’t the ship that interested him, but it was the person that had written them. Ben was almost afraid that he was becoming obsessed with the writer, but he wasn’t. He was just… curious. Whatever he found could be used for revenge someday if he tried hard enough. 

Except there really was nothing to report about the fics. It was as cringey and romantic as he expected, but by a writing standpoint, it wasn’t bad. Not bad at all, honestly. The author seemed was a pretty decent writer and seemed like a questionably decent person (Some of her bookmarks had him questioning that). It made him wonder why the hell she went after him. 

Ben didn’t really care about that situation at this point, not really. Sometimes he thought about it and it hurt, but he could take criticism, despite the non-constructiveness of it. Now he just wanted to know what it was about  _ his  _ fic that she hated so much. 

Unfortunately, Ben would probably never get the chance to ask her. 

That was probably good anyway. He didn’t want to make the situation even weirder by actually  _ asking _ them why the hell they did what they did. Ben was prone to bad ideas, but this was one even he would not go near. They probably wouldn’t ever talk to him again.

Until she did. 

It was an accident, yeah, but that didn’t stop him from being the dumbass bitch that he was. 

The conversation, if you could call it that, only lasted for a few minutes, but Ben was left with an even sicker stomach than when he started. He was prone to not replying when he just didn’t know what to say, so he did exactly that.

Except now he was staring at the messages again after having finished the last update of the fic, and his chest ached for some reason. 

Maybe he was an absolute creep. 

Sometimes he scrolled to the top of the messages to see how annoying he sounded, and then he just would sit and wish that his ass could just formulate a decent conversation. All that money spent on therapy as a kid really was useless then.  _ Good job, Mom. _

In the end, Ben closed out the chat and switched back to his doc again. Just a little more time and he’d forget all about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotta admit, I'm starting to lose some of the fervor for this story I've had previously, but I'm gonna try my best and power through and finish it! We're not real close to the end yet, but we shall see. Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Also: That cat man post is real, and, no, I will not link it to you. Trust me.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	5. Mishaps and Mayhem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide several times throughout this chapter and the next few chapters. No actual suicide takes place. This fic will also have major discussions about both Rey and Ben's negative mental health. #GetBenATherapist2k18

“You gonna be okay without me?”

“That is the fifth time you’ve asked me that today, Finn. I’ve already told you I’ll be totally fine. It’s just until the 23rd, isn’t it?”

He pouted and dug the toe of his boot further into the snow. Rey wrapped her arms tighter around herself, mentally cursing the fact they decided to take their goodbye outside instead of inside their barely warmer apartment. “I know, but I feel bad leaving you hanging like this. You’re not used to this weather.”

Maybe not, but she’d always adapted to situations well. She could manage without him for a couple days. “It’ll be fine, Finn. I’m a big girl.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.”

He let out a breath and watched as it vaporized in the cold air. “Okay, okay, I trust you. Just don’t die. I’m not sure I could stand anyone else to be my roommate. Clear?”

“Crystal.”

They hugged one last time before Finn jogged down the steps—nearly slipping more than once on the ice that slicked the steps—and slid into the taxi that awaited him. Rey watched with a smile on her face as he left and didn’t drop it until the car was nowhere in sight. Once it was gone, she retreated inside and let out a breath as the heat of their new heater flooded her. They shouldn’t have had to pay for it themselves, but their landlord was already offering them an extremely good deal that she doubted they’d be so gracious to offer with the addition of a broken heater.

It was Winter Break now, and Finn was headed to Miami—fucking warmass Miami—for a job interview. Unlike Rey, he didn’t go to MIT and was a Senior working on a business degree at Harvard. Harvard Law was his dream, but then a call came in from a start-up company funded by some billionaire asking to interview him to be an advisor after a professor recommended Finn based on his analytical skills and 4.5 GPA.

Rey had been so proud of Finn and pestered him to accept the interview, which he did just a few weeks ago. If he got the job, this would be his way out, out of the endless cycle that chewed up and spit out foster kids like them. And still, Rey sometimes caught herself wishing that they wouldn’t offer him the job or that Finn would refuse. It was so utterly selfish, and she shook those thoughts away from her head immediately, but it didn’t hide the ugly truth: Rey wanted Finn to stay.

He was the first person in life just to accept her as she was, the first person to not use her for his own gain. He was her best friend, but he was sometimes more her brother than anything else. Losing him would feel like losing a part of herself in a way, and she just couldn’t let that happen.

And yet— _and yet._ Rey had to. She couldn’t condemn him to this life. She couldn’t stop him from living the way he deserved, with a family and a job and food, really good fucking food. That would make her worse than any criminal. So, Rey kept her feelings to herself and walked into their—theirs, for how long?—kitchen.

Snow was falling now, encompassing the entire exterior of the apartment in some sickly sweet melancholy vibe that Rey usually would’ve hated but was now somehow fitting. She was alone, for the first time in what felt like years.

Standing on a stool, Rey reached up to grab that one bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey they’d been slowly going through over the past six months. It wasn’t her drink of choice, but it was alcohol and it was good enough. She took the bottle over to their couch and collapsed down onto it, uncapping and taking a small swig of it. Disgusting, just as predicted.

Rey opened her laptop and automatically logged onto Tumblr. After a few minutes of scrolling, she sighed, realizing it wasn’t going to do anything to distract her. She seemed to be seeing the same ten posts over and over again, the boredom of the fandom hitting its peak now that there was still a full year until the release of the next _Legends_ movie. That meant absolutely everyone was going batshit crazy, Brevans and Antis alike.

This happened with every fandom, but _Legends_ fans were what you’d call… fucking annoying as shit. Sure, there were the K-Pop fandom and the _Hamilton_ fandom and the _Undertale_ fandom, which where all terrible in their own ways, but this was absolutely another level. These were the fans that nitpicked and scrutinised everything, the ones that drove actors insane and bullied them on social media. They claimed to be super mega fans, but only when it was convenient for them.

Rey had gotten used to it, but, honestly, that was what scared her. A person shouldn’t have to be used to the sexist comments and suicide-baiting to enjoy fandom. It had gotten beyond ridiculous. Even after the whole _kyloren_ situation, it hadn’t actually been that bad, not as bad as it could’ve been. She’d seen some of the way her friends get treated, the words thrown around at Finn and Rose and Poe for not being white, the harassment some of them get put through. Her treatment was a treat compared to some of the things they’d gotten.

The _Legends_ fandom was fucked, but no one really seemed to care.

Rey, honest to God, wished sometimes that she’d deleted her account back when she really wanted to. Stupid _kyloren_ and his stupid messages. If it weren’t for him, maybe she’d be out of this hell then. Maybe she’d be a fucking normal and productive human that didn’t need to check Tumblr every few hours just in case she missed something. Maybe she’d be on Reddit, which is arguably much worse.

It was all _kyloren_ ’s fault. Fucking prick. She was suffering and it was all his damn fault. Maybe sending the cat man meme was a good thing. He deserved to suffer just as much as she was. And yeah, okay, everything involving him was probably a bad idea, but still.

Before she could stop herself and just after she took her fourth drink of whiskey, Rey typed out a message.

* * *

 “So you’re actually not talking to him?” Mitaka sounded a little more than disinterested, but Ben didn’t expect much from him anymore. It took a lot of coaxing to even get him to answer the Discord call. “It’s been a while. I think you guys have suffered long enough without each other.”

Ben huffed as he scrolled through Reddit, downvoting every repost in the _Showerthoughts_ sub that he came across. “You act as if we’re reliant on each other. I’m not Hux’s pet that aimlessly follows his every move, alright? I can make my own damn decisions.”

“I know, Ben, but… you haven’t updated your fic since you left Hux.”

“It’s not like you’ve fucking offered to look at it,” Ben snapped back.

Mitaka just sighed into the mic. “Listen, I love your fic. I really do. The thing is, though, that Hux is the only person you’ve ever let see it before it was ready. I get it. _Carcass_ is flawless. I never see any mistakes on it, and it has like 150,00 words. I’d offer to help you, but we both know that is absolutely not going to happen.”

Ben wanted to argue, he really did, but Mitaka was right. Hux had been the only one to read Ben’s fic before it was ready to be posted. As shitty as he was, he was an amazing beta and really did improve the fic. Now that he was gone, now that there was no one to rant about ideas to and tell him when something was too cheesy or too long or didn’t sound right, Ben couldn’t really find the will to write anymore.

People were getting antsy now. He didn’t even post on Tumblr much anymore, not that he had much at all in the first place. He got anons daily asking for updates or wanting to confirm whether or not he was did. He never replied to them, just reblogged something just show them that, yes, he was still there. Everything else, whether or not he’d be back, was just another unknown to them.

And Ben really did want to come back, but that would take time. Each passing day raised his anxiety because, God, people weren’t going to wait for him much longer. By the time he got around to posting the next update, they’d all be completely over him. No one would care about the fic and it would all be for nothing.

No, he just had to find another beta and soon. Not Mitaka, though, Mitaka wouldn’t get it. He wouldn’t get how much he agonized and shed blood, sweat, and tears over this damn fic. This fic was his fucking life, and if it ended like this then so did he.

“I’ll find someone,” Ben said quietly. He didn’t trust his voice.

“Sure, keep telling that to yourself.”

“I’m serious.”

He _would,_ eventually, once he got over whatever was holding him back. Maybe he fucking should go back to therapy, but they’d probably get kick him out after a single session for being so fucking crazy. “I don’t doubt you are, but I’m not really interested in having this discussion with yo—”

A notification from Tumblr pinged on the dashboard that he was just about to close for another week. For a while, people had messaged him about him not updating, but eventually it just stopped. He hadn’t gotten a message in quite a while, and, frankly, he liked it that way.

Mitaka was saying something about how ridiculous he was being—that was where all their conversations ended up eventually—while Ben opened the message. Immediately, he felt his heart stop.

> **reyoflight** **  
> ** i’d just like to let you know you ruined my life for making me not delete my blog. thanks asshole

Ben really wished he could say he’d forgotten all about _reyoflight,_ especially since it’d been like a month since they’d last talked (if you could call it talking at all), but it’d be a huge lie. It wasn’t like they were all he thought about or anything. They just intrigued him more than he was willing to admit. It _wasn’t_ that weird.

Whoever this was must be fucking insane. He’d seen hide nor skin from them from quite a while, and then they beat down his door like this. Ben knew he’d never forget the humiliation he’d been through because of them, but it was significantly lessened the more they just stayed the fuck away from him. What the hell did they want?

Ben stared for several seconds at the message, contemplating as Mitaka talked into empty ears. What the shit kind of response did this warrant? Honestly, maybe just blocking them would be easier. Help save his mental health _and_ his dignity.

Except he was a dumbass so—

> **kyloren** **  
> ** what

There it was. The perfect response to any question.

> **reyoflight** ****  
> you kno what i’m talking about  
>  ur the fucking worse  
>  *worst  
>  damn it
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> I’m honestly really confused.  
>  What the hell are you talking about?
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  dont play dumb kyle ron  
>  i’ll eat your soul for breakfast
> 
> **kyloren**  
>  No, I really have no idea what you’re talking about  
>  Listen, I don’t care what you have against me. Please just stop messaging me, okay? I haven’t done anything to you.

In all honesty, this was kind of entertaining. Some sick part of him enjoyed that they were suffering just as much as he was in a way. He wasn’t a sadist or anything, but Ben had agonized, still agonized, over some of the things they’d said. It made him scrutinize his writing even more than he already was, which he previously thought impossible. Turns out, even the most perfect sentence was shitty if you looked hard enough.

But as much as Ben wanted to see this person suffer, as much as he didn’t care about them, being involved with them in any way was just bad, and it didn’t take a therapist to see that. Ben had drop-kicked Hux out of his life already. This person should be no different.

> **reyoflight** ****  
> that’s the fucking problem!  
>  you haven’t done anything and it’s driving me fucking insane, okay? for the love of god, please just say something to make me hate you because i just feel so fucking shitty about everything and i’m just trying to blame it on you somehow
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** Are you okay?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
> not really honestly  
>  my life is pointless  
>  i fucking hate everything  
>  damn i’m just a really sad person  
>  you probably think I’m pathetic

_A little bit_ was what he was thinking, but he figured that probably wasn’t the best thing to say to them. Were they serious? They seemed serious. Sure, Ben had wanted them to mildly suffer for hurting his feelings, but he couldn’t just sit by and watch while they talked like this. Maybe this was some kind of last cry for help before…

Jesus.

> **kyloren** ****  
> No, I don’t think you’re pathetic. Please don’t think that.  
>  I don’t know you, but I’m sure you’re a very amazing person.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  why are you being nice to me  
>  i was so fuckign rude to u :((((((  
>  I’mjust and awful human beingh
> 
> **kyloren**  
>  Yeah, but you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. It’s in the past now.  
>  Your pasts mistakes don’t define you.  
>  I know what it’s like to suffer, and it sucks, I know, but what you’re feeling isn’t permanent.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** i know its not but there’s really only one way to get rid of it
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** There’s not just one way. It might feel like it sometimes, but it’s really not. I promise. It’ll get better.
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
> not if i keep on with what i’m doing now. i just want everything to stpo  
>  *stop
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** I know.

“Ben?” He jumped at his name. “I just asked you something. You still there, buddy?”

His hands were shaking, he realized, looking down at his keyboard. It took him up a moment for Mitaka’s words to completely go through his head. “Y-Yeah, sorry. Something just came up. I have to go.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he lied. “Perfectly fine.”

Mitaka said a quick goodbye before hanging up, and Ben immediately switched back over to the Tumblr tab. Rey hadn’t replied back yet, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad sign. Probably bad.

It wasn’t the first time he’d had to do this, talk someone down from suicide. There had been two people in his life, one from high school and one from college. Ben figured he knew how to do it well enough, but sometimes that fact alone scared him.

And it wasn’t like he’d never talked himself down. He’d done it more times than he could count now, had… come close more often than not, but he was still here. Somehow. Ben hadn’t ever had anyone do what he was doing to this person now, and should he have been bitter about it? Maybe, except there was no point in doing that, not when someone’s actual life was on the line.

> **kyloren** **  
> ** Hey, are you still there?

Ben waited for her reply, rapping his knuckles against the sides of his laptop, and tried to breathe, if only for a moment. The first minute passed, he was fine, but by five, he could physically feel himself shaking. _Where are they?_

> **kyloren**  
>  I know you don’t like me, but I care about you, okay?  
>  You’re not a horrible person. A couple bad choices does not define who you are.  
>  Killing yourself won’t make it better. I’d know better than anyone.

Another minute passed, and then another, and then another. Ben felt his throat tighten. This was not how this night was supposed to go. He was supposed to rage on Mitaka and make dinner far later than what was healthy, and then drink some nasty wine while he wrote and hope the words came out half-decent. Technically, he could still do that, but there was no way he was leaving this person without doing everything he could to help them.

He didn’t want to, but damn it, he would do it. And maybe next time someone would be there for him.

_Next time_ _._

* * *

 

_BEEP_

Rey shot up, and by doing so, twisted off the couch and landed on her ass on the floor. Her laptop was on their coffee table, accompanied by a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels that just looked like pure regret. Her alarm for work was still going off on her phone with the most annoying beeping known to man, the final one that was set, which meant if she didn’t get up now she was absolutely fucked.

“Damn it!”

Rey jumped to her feet, ignoring the pounding on her head and ran into her bathroom. There’d be no time to shower, so instead she stripped, splashed water over any possible necessary areas, and hoped for the best.

Getting out the door on time was no easy task with only 11 minutes notice, but she got it done and showed up for work with one minute to spare. It was rare to ever see Rey less than 10 minutes early and not already busy at work. It wasn’t like she wasn’t obsessive or anything. Paranoid? Yes. Obsessive? No.

On her first break, Rey pulled out her phone and immediately cursed. 5% battery. Damn it, last night had been full of bad choices, and not plugging her phone had been at the top. Messaging _kyloren_ was definitely a close second. She’d fallen asleep like halfway through their conversation and hadn’t checked it since. A dead phone was probably for the best at this point.

By the end of the day, Rey was feeling significantly better than she was last night, even with the constant anxiety and a barely worn-off hangover. The messages still hung over her head, but she wasn’t too worried about them at this point. Kylo’s replies, if he sent any at all, just most likely would be telling her to get a life, which, honestly, was pretty sound advice.

Instead of immediately getting on Tumblr the moment she got home, Rey plugged her phone in and made dinner. Well, she made boxed macaroni and cheese because cooking wasn’t a strong suit, but it was dinner, and she still made it. It was only when she sat down with her bowl that she pulled out her laptop and opened Tumblr. Immediately, Rey was struck with an assault of notifications, signalling twenty messages in her inbox.

“Jesus Christ,” she muttered as she opened _kyloren_ ’s. Immediately, the number of messages went down to five, which meant out of twenty messages, he’d sent fifteen of them. _What the hell?_

Rey had to scroll up for a minute to see the last message she’d sent since she had little recollection of exactly what she’d sent. It was riddled with errors and honestly sounded quite pathetic, but _kyloren_ never told her so. Instead, he seemed… quite understanding, surprisingly. It was only when Rey came across one single message that she realized exactly what _he_ was talking about.

> **kyloren**  
>  Please don’t kill yourself.  
>  Please.

And then it all clicked. _Fuck._ His last message had been sent at 4am in her timezone. She hadn’t messaged back in around 20 hours. Did he _actually_ think she killed herself? Scrolling through the messages further, she kicked herself because it absolutely looked that way.

> **reyoflight** ****  
> GOD IM SO SORRY  
>  i’m such a terrible person for leaving you hanging like that  
>  i wasn’t going to kill myself. i was talking about deleting my blog i’m really sorry. i just realized how it sounded.

Rey didn’t have to wait long for his reply, that _swoosh_ sounding almost immediately.

> **kyloren** **  
> ** Are you fucking kidding me

Okay, so this was _definitely_ not going to go well. She didn’t think it would. Why was everything involving _kyloren_ so fucked? Was the dude just cursed or something?

> **reyoflight** ****  
> no  
>  i’m honestly really sorry

> **kyloren** ****  
> Fuck you.  
>  I stayed up all night because I couldn’t fucking sleep because I thought you did it.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  I know. It was shitty of me.
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> Stop fucking messaging me, okay?  
>  You already got your fun in.  
>  I get it, my writing’s shit and I ruined your life, but can you just stop and think for one goddamn second that you’re not the only one struggling here?  
>  You know what? I don’t fucking care. Just block me and move on with your life.

Rey just stared at her keyboard in shock. She really fucked up this time. Crossing the line wasn’t when she bashed his fic. It was pulling something like this. This hadn’t even been on purpose. She would absolutely never pretend to be suicidal just to get a rise out of someone. That was a level of fucked up that she could never cross.

But _kyloren_ didn’t know that.

Yeah, he annoyed her a little bit, but time and time again, he hadn’t done anything to her, not as much as he could have anyway. Rey honestly could have just gone on with her life at this point, but even as much of her soul the internet’s corrupted, there was still a decent part inside there somewhere. She couldn’t just leave the situation like this. Even so, this kind of situation was meant to be approached calmly. Perhaps it would be better to just wait.

* * *

Ben was not immensely grateful for his boss. In fact, he could’ve done without him if he was being honest. Despite questioning the legality of it, Ben was granted no sick days and very rare vacation days, things he could’ve used when he felt like _this._ Instead, he was stuck in an office, wearing a suit and tie that felt far too tight around his neck and trying to dance around people’s conversations without immediately breaking down. Veterans here usually kept his distance from him, knowing that Ben didn’t like to be bothered, but some of the newbies would greet him. That is, until they learned.

Around the office, Ben was a little more than awkward. He didn’t have any friends, didn’t have any pictures on his desk or inside jokes, didn’t care to listen to what people did on their vacations or whose wedding they were going to this weekend. He wasn’t even sure of what he actually _did_ most of the time. He was Vice President of First Order Industries, but hours blurred into days and days blurred into years, and then suddenly he wasn’t 22 and bright-eyed anymore. Now he was just nearly 30 years old and alone with very little to his name.

He had money, don’t get him wrong. He had money and a flat and food, but all this work he put in, all the people he walked over to get where he was because it seemed like the only thing to do… It was all for nothing. It would always be for nothing.

“It’ll pass,” Snoke had said when Ben started the conversation, “whatever you’re feeling, but don’t let it get in the way of your work. Sooner or later you’ll realize you did what you had to do, and it’ll be the end of this discussion for good.”

Ben hadn’t talked about it since. Snoke was supposed to be his mentor, the father figure he always wished he had, but every interaction they had left Ben feeling… wrong somehow. It was ridiculous. Snoke had given him everything, taken in a kid straight out of college to work with him, made him someone worthwhile.

For the first time in his life, Ben felt like his own person. He wasn’t a product of two legends, a senator and a war hero, that pulled a lot of strings to even get him into Harvard, the fuck-up who needed anger-management and therapy and got suspended over and over and over again for the same shit. He wasn’t Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa and Han Solo. For the first time in his life, he was just Ben Solo.

He should’ve been eternally grateful to Snoke, but Ben was never the type of person to do what anyone wanted.

“Solo, do you have those reports I requested?” The intercom on his desk spoke out as the voice of Snoke, and Ben had to restrain from sighing.

He pressed a button on the intercom. “Yes, Sir. I’ll email them over to you.”

Snoke didn’t reply, didn’t comment on Ben’s monotone voice, and for that he was immensely glad. Only an hour until he could go home and crawl into bed and forget this entire day had happened.

There was very little to do now, he realized as he sent the files over to Snoke, and that only made the urge to open Tumblr much stronger. Ben knew he was right to avoid that site, and this was exactly why.

He’d spent the entire day yesterday agonizing over this random person on the internet, had lost sleep for someone he figured was just like him and needed help. Then it all turned into a lie. Ben wasn’t even sure what he expected anymore.

 _reyoflight,_ whoever they were, were now the complete bane of Ben’s entire existence. Hopefully the problem would be fixed now, hopefully they’d be satisfied with their stupid rouse and leave him the fuck alone, but these days that seemed too much to ask for.

It’d been a mistake messaging her. Maybe then he wouldn’t be feeling like this, like his world was just one tiny crack away from shattering into a million pieces. Then again, he’d been feeling like that long before they forced their way into his life.

Though, some sick part of him was still intrigued. Maybe he _was_ a fucking masochist.

The temptation to open Tumblr on his work computer was strong, but his sense of self-preservation was stronger for many, many reasons. Ben was sure Snoke didn’t care enough of what kind of porn his employees watched on the computer so long they got their work done, but just in case, he liked to be cautious.

No, it was only when he was back at his apartment, tired and lying in bed stripped to his underwear but not bothering to take his socks off that Ben logged back onto Tumblr. If he were smart, he close it now, ban the site from his access forever. Then again, if he were smart, he’d have done that a long time ago. Instead of listening to every voice in his head screaming at him to stop, Ben opened his messages.

They were only sent ten minutes ago.

> **reyoflight** ****  
> Hey  
>  I just want to say I’m really sorry.  
>  And I mean it. I’m very truly sorry.  
>  I honestly didn’t realize what you meant. I don’t have great judgement when I’m drunk. I really meant no ill will, and I apologize for dragging you into my own stupid drama.  
>  I get it if you won’t forgive me and still want me to block you, but I don’t want to go on knowing I upset you so much.  
>  Anyway, thanks for reading. Have a good day.

Ben sighed.

Yeah, he was mad, rightfully so. Every interaction he had with this person just fucked him up even further, and it was probably best to just get away while he could. But still, they seemed genuine. Everyone deserved a second chance, right? Or in her case, a third chance.

> **kyloren** **  
> ** So you can speak in full sentences.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> **????
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> Never mind. ****  
> I might have overreacted a bit, so I apologize as well.  
>  I’m a little sensitive to suicide in case you can’t tell. I shouldn’t have assumed so quickly.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  I’m sorry if I triggered you. I really didn’t mean to. I was just feeling really shitty last night, and drunk me is bad at judgement.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** It’s fine.

That should’ve been the end of the conversation, end of discussion, zilch. He should’ve been able to exit out of the message window for good and never have to see it again. This shitty chapter was closed for good now, and now he could just move on with his life. And he would’ve done it too if something hadn’t just been nagging at the back of his mind to just keep talking to them.

> **kyloren** **  
> ** Pardon me asking, but… do you want to talk about it?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** What?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** You know, do you want to talk about what happened that you messaged me?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
> Oh  
>  I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking about life and realized how shitty the internet has made me. Like, I’m not the type of person to read a fic to bash it like I did yours at all. It’s just so toxic, and I just hate it so much.  
>  I get anon hate like every day.  
>  God, you don’t wanna listen to this I sound so pathetic.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** No, it’s fine. I like listening to other people’s problems. It’s a nice distraction from my own.

Now that was a blatant lie. Ben hated listening to other people’s problems, but he wouldn’t say that just yet.

> **reyoflight** ****  
> I sense bullshit, but whatever you say dude  
>  I don’t know, I’ve just been feeling kind of sucky all the time. My roommate’s probably gonna be moving out soon, and I’m afraid of what I’m gonna turn into without him.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** I don’t think you’re going to turn evil just because he leaves
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  I guess not  
>  Maybe I’m just paranoid.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** Or you’re stressed. That sometimes happens too.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  Sometimes?  
>  Dude, stress is like 90% of my genetic make-up. I’m always stressed.  
>  Hopefully it gets better before I have to go back to school.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** You mentioned roommate, right? You’re in college?
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  lol don’t wanna talk to a high schooler like a weirdo?  
>  Yeah I am. Sophomore year.
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> You caught me.  
>  Where do you go to school?  
>  Actually don’t answer that.  
>  I’m not a creep, I swear. Just trying to make conversation.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  Lmao mood  
>  Okay  
>  What year are you then, creep?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** I’m in what they call… the workforce.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  Oh, so you’re like old then
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** 29, so I guess that’d be accurate, yes.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  Lol I’m not sure if you have it better or worse. I just wanna graduate already. Uni sucks.  
>  Im 19.
> 
> **kyloren**  
>  That it does, but working isn’t much better, trust me.  
>  Damn, you’re like a child.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** whatever you say, loser

One moment it was just after six, and then the next it was after eleven and Ben’s stomach was growling, but he had a grin on his face for the first time in what felt like months and that was _something._ What that something was was the question, but he had a feeling he’d know soon enough.

> **kyloren** **  
> ** I’ve gotta cook dinner and sleep and stuff but thanks for talking to me.
> 
> **reyoflight**  
>  Ofc no thanks for talking to me. It was really nice.  
>  Sorry again for what happened.
> 
> **kyloren**  
>  Don’t mention it.  
>  Good night, Rey.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** good night kyle ron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooo. I've had a pretty good week with writing. I've written probably 8,000 words of fic over this week which has been amazing. I said last chapter I wasn't feeling this fic anymore, but inspiration is much better now, so hopefully it doesn't happen again! This chapter had a lot of heavy stuff happen in it.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com


	6. Wringing Out the Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little bit late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Discussions of suicide, depression, etc. That's gonna be a big theme for Ben in this fic, so just remain cautious.

It should’ve been a one-time thing.

Ben had gone to bed with that sentiment ingrained into his mind, had repeated it over and over again as he heated up yet another portion of frozen pasta that his mother’s butler had sent him away with during his last visit to her home. Ben could cook technically, but he always found himself skipping out on meals more often than not when it was his decision. His mother had been absolutely furious when she found out and had demanded he take food with him, so now he had a freezer full of four casserole dishes containing miscellaneous concoctions of reheatable goods. 

Ben honestly wasn’t sure he’d be able to function as an adult without the timers on his phone that told him when to eat and when to sleep and when to pay rent and his car payment. He’d almost flunked out of college just because he physically couldn’t make himself get out of bed to go to class. Ben never went to parties, never went out to bars, never tried one-night-stands or casual sex or made any actual friends. The college life wasn’t for him, and he was just glad that he’d managed to pass the first year.

Making friends had never been Ben’s strong suit.  From elementary school on, he’d been dubbed the “weird” kid, the one that sat in corners and moped and got called emo because he wore all black and looked dead inside. He was bullied for just being alive throughout most of high school, for daring to not act like a normal person.

It was even worse because Ben had tried, he’d tried so hard to be normal, to feel normal, but everything about him seemed to just be… wrong. 

In the end, Ben ended up being more successful than any of them had predicted, hadn’t killed himself before high school ended like they all wanted (even though he tried, God, he’d tried). He’d graduated from Harvard, gotten a job, and was working on a 6-digit salary by age 24. He was fine, except there was something just missing. 

There might’ve been an alternate universe where Ben actually had friends, but this wasn’t one. He was anxious meeting new people, rarely even talked to his boss if he could help it. Aside from his mother and his group chat, there was no one else of importance in his life. And now even his group chat was falling apart. 

Ben never told his mother this, but… he could find himself getting lonely sometimes. He’d gotten on Tumblr back in 2007 when the site was brand new. Ben had been a Senior in high school, trying just to stay alive long enough to let his mother see him graduate. He hadn’t actually planned to go to college at all, but it was through the support of people online that he’d done so. Whether or not he regretted was a question Ben contemplated every day. 

Sometimes it was good, working and feeling and being an adult. For the first time, Ben was supposed to be free, but he never felt like he was. Tumblr and fic were his deepest secrets, the only things that kept him going more often than not. Every time he finished a fic, he started a new one in fear that that would be it for him. He’d made it eleven years like this. 

That was part of the reason getting his fic bashed hurt so much, because it was the  _ only _ thing he had to live for. It still hurt numbly in his heart, even though the deed had long been forgiven. Rey had proved somehow she really hadn’t wished ill will upon him, and Ben just had to try his best not to be bitter about it any longer. 

Honestly, it was much easier than he figured, Ben realized as he scrolled through last night’s conversation. It started out hostile, but it slowly merged into something… almost friendly. Almost close. It was ridiculous to think a stranger wanted to even talk to him, but he actually had enjoyed it more than was willing to admit.

As terrible as their conversations started out, especially that particular day, they really were a decent conversation partner, not that Ben would know anything about that. They were nice but didn’t walk on eggshells around him. They were sarcastic but didn’t take it too far. They were restrained but still didn’t hesitate to tease him when the opportunity arose. 

Ben arrived at work at nine in the morning, just like his time demanded. At 12:30 there would be lunch, and then another break at three o’clock. At five, he would leave and have no other conversations as he broke free from the office and finally got to stretch his legs. He went to the gym in his building at six and arrived in his apartment at seven. Dinner was at 7:30, and he slept at eleven. Rinse and repeat. 

Some people hated living on schedules, but to Ben it was therapeutic, the strict rigidity of it providing some framework to his hectic life. Some days it worked, and some it didn’t. It was all up to Ben himself whether it succeeded or not.

Last night, he had been late, spending far longer than he should’ve talking to Rey on Tumblr than he really should have. It occurred to him briefly that this was what teenagers did, stayed up past curfew and talked to each other on phones and prayed their parents wouldn’t catch them. That was they were doing, weren’t they?

_ Write a message _

They’d left off last night pretty decently. Well, more decently than they ever had before. It was stupid to think they even wanted to talk to him again. For all he knew, they were just trying to be polite while simultaneously asking why the  _ hell _ Ben was talking to them in the first place. Still, though, they hadn’t made any indication they didn’t want to talk to him. What was the harm in trying? He’d already made a fool out of himself. Might as well do it again.

> **kyloren** **  
> ** Hey again

With one hand, Ben tapped his fingers against the table, and with the other, he absentmindedly stirred the leftover pasta he’d had the night before. This was stupid, extremely stupid, but for the first time in a long time, Ben actually felt excited about something, and he figured that was as good a reason to keep going as any. 

He didn’t have to wait long. Within two minutes, a notification popped up on his phone, indicating a message.

> **reyoflight**   
>  hey   
>  i didn’t scare you off huh?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** Why would you have?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** um because i’m a crazy bitch who drunk-messaged you 
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** You didn’t scare me away last night. Today’s no different.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** Why exactly are you talking to me?
> 
> Oh no, here it was. The rejection.
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** What?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** I’m not sure what you’re expecting from me, but I am not sending you nudes.

Ben almost choked. That hadn’t been anything close to what he’d been thinking. Asking for nudes on Tumblr was something creepy men, which was… exactly what he probably seemed to them.  _ Oh god. _

> **kyloren** ****  
>  What the heck?   
>  No, that’s not what I want at all.   
>  Did I make it seem like I did?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  no, but I’ve gotta be careful online   
>  dont take offense to this, but I don’t trust you not to be a creep quite yet
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Fair enough.   
>  Does that mean you’d give me a chance, though? 
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** maybe
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** I’ll take what I can get.
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  yes, you will   
>  why are you messaging me then??
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Do you not want me to?   
>  If not, that’s totally fine. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** what makes you think i’m uncomfortable?
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  I don’t know.   
>  I just don’t want to make you think you’re obligated to reply to me. If you don’t want to talk to me, I won’t be mad if you just block me.
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  just don’t do anything creepy and i won’t block you   
>  simple as that   
>  but fr why are you messaging me i’d genuinely like to know   
>  you don’t feel sorry for me or anything right because then i think i’d have to kick your ass
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** Of course I don’t feel sorry for you. 
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** better not be
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** For your sake or for mine?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** both

* * *

“God, Rey, I’m fucking in love.”

“What with this time? Cannolis? Wool socks? Please enlighten me.”

“Nice one, smartass.” She could practically hear Finn’s eyes roll. “Miami. I love Miami. It’s so warm, and the beaches are gorgeous. My potential boss met with me yesterday over drinks at this club, and it’s like nothing back home. There was a hidden bathroom in the wall. In the wall, Rey!”

Rey laughed and pressed the phone further against her ear. “So you really do like it then, huh? How about the job? Do you want to take it?”  _ Please please please don’t. _

He was silent for a moment then, so much so that Rey almost thought they’d been disconnected. It wasn’t until Finn sighed that she realized he was still there. “Well, I need to talk to you about that, actually.”

“You… do?”

“Yeah, um, they want me to stay for a second interview. They seem to really like me and think I could be an asset to the company, but they want to evaluate my skills and see what ideas I have.”

Rey nodded even though he couldn’t see her, trying to ignore the tightening in her chest. “Okay. What does that mean then?”

“Well…” He trailed off. “Nothing for sure right now. They do have other people lined up for the position in case I don’t work out, but I’m fairly certain I’m their first choice. They did say that they want me to stay until next week.”

_ Next week?  _ “Finn, you can’t stay until next week. You’ll miss Christmas.”

“I know, Rey, but this isn’t an opportunity I can pass up. If I stay and they like me, then I’m guaranteed a job after I graduate this summer. You understand that, don’t you? I can’t not do it. You know how the job market is.”

Rey bit her lip to keep the tears in her eyes from running down her cheeks. Every year since Rey turned 18, they’d always spent the holidays together. As kids, they’d both been in the foster system and hadn’t had the best childhoods, so they made up for it with each other. Their routine was one of security, one Rey felt completely at peace with. In the back of her mind, she knew it had to change, but this revelation hurt like a kick to the gut.

“Rey, you okay?”

_ No.  _ Finn was everything to her, and now he was going to leave her alone, just like everybody else. This was going to be it for her. She would spend the rest of her life alone. “Are you going to be moving then? To Miami?”

“That’s where the company’s based, so yes. Is that okay?”

_ No,  _ she wanted to answer immediately. The question alone was cruel to even ask her in the first place.  _ Is that okay?  _ No, it wasn’t, and it never ever would be. “Yeah, of course. I’m really happy for you, Finn. You deserve it. You really do.”

“Rey, are you—”

She blinked back her tears. There was no use in dragging down Finn’s mood with her own silly feelings while he was so happy. It was time for her to be a good friend and suck it up. “No, I’m totally fine. I’m just going to miss you.”

“Oh,” he said, sounding almost disbelieving. “I’m glad you understand. Obviously I can’t move until I graduate, so we’ve got plenty of time to prepare. And, you know, when you graduate you can totally move down to Miami too. Maybe you can work in the company as well. They’ll definitely be looking for engineers, and I’m sure with my reference you can get hired. Not that you couldn’t get hired without my reference, but it’d be easier with it. Not that you want the easy way in. I know how you are. Not in a bad way or anything! I just mean—”

“Finn,” Rey cut off, digging her fingernails into her thighs, “I’ve gotta let you go. Have fun in Miami, okay?”

“Oh, okay. Everything fine over there?”

She held in a sigh. “Yeah, I’m just… really tired. I think I’m just gonna go to bed.” 

If he could see past the lie, he made no indication of it, and for that Rey was immensely grateful. She didn’t feel great for lying, but this was not the time to break down. Not yet.“Alright, well, good night, Rey. Sleep tight. Love you.”

“Love you too, Finn. Talk to you tomorrow.”

Rey hung up her phone and set it down on the coffee table before immediately breaking into tears. It was stupid, so stupid, but just the thought of Finn leaving and being alone again was enough to pray he didn’t get the job. It was just a matter of time before this was going to happen. Wasn’t it better to get it over with now rather than later?

Rey had known for years there would be a time where Finn wasn’t in her life the same way he was now. It was better to break her heart now rather than when there were even more memories to agonize over.

No, there was time for tears, and this wasn’t one of them. For now, she had to be strong for Finn, support him wherever he needed to be supported And so, Rey wiped off her cheeks and slumped back down on the couch. Maybe it would’ve been better to just tell Finn how she felt, but her best friend was too kind. The possibility of him throwing this opportunity out the window for her was too real of a risk to tell him. She’d tell him later, after he accepted the job and couldn’t go back on it. He’d understand then, and they’d get through whatever this was.

For now, Rey just had to figure out a way to distract herself. Being online was always best, but it never did a good enough job when she actually wanted to get her mind off something, usually working in the opposite way necessary. Trying to read fic on  _ archiveofourown  _ just ended up with her reading the angstiest death fics possible in a genuinely sad pursuit to quell the pain. Fic always fit whatever mood she was in, which at the moment happened to be crippling anxiety. Some people had PornHub to keep their emotions in check. She had PainHub. 

No,  _ archiveofourown  _ wouldn’t work for this particular situation, so that left one option: annoying and vague Tumblr posts on how shitty her life was. There was always the chance that Finn would see it, but he was likely already starting to get ready for bed like the good adult he would be, so she could just reblog a bunch of things at once to her blog, and they’d practically disappear.

It was as solid a plan as any, so she ran with it and opened the Tumblr app.

> **reyoflight**   
>  do you ever wonder why you even try sometimes   
>  #personal #dont reblog
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  i know selfishness is such a human thing, but I hate that I have it and i just want it to go away   
>  #personal #dont reblog
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  i feel like i’m just destined to be alone sometimes. most of the time tbh   
>  #personal #dont reblog
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** akjgnsdkjgnnhksdjgn sorry i’m annoying   
>  #personal #dont reblog #sorry i’m a shithead #i just kinda hate myself right now

Rey could’ve posted more, but she figured she was already hurting her reputation enough now. There was no point in continuing her long string of rants that would most definitely embarrass her in the morning, not when the risk of Finn finding them got strong with each one. Instead, she just shifted to lie down on the couch and set her phone on her chest. 

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid.  _ Rey should be happy for Finn, proud that he’d landed such a good job so quickly, but it was all overshadowed by the innate feeling of selfishness that she was going to keep him from this opportunity. Now, she vowed she wouldn’t do this to him. Her feelings weren’t all that mattered.

Right as Rey was thinking it was best just sleep off whatever she was feeling, her phone buzzed on her chest. For a moment, she debated not picking it up, probably just a notification for an ask that was questioning what the fuck was wrong with her, but then she flipped it and was met with something completely different. 

A message from  _ kyloren. _ Well, wasn’t this an amazing development. For a split second, she almost ignored it, but before she had time to think, she clicked on the notification. 

> **kyloren** **  
> ** Hey, you good?

Rey debated lying, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to analyze those posts and realize that no, she really wasn’t.

> **reyoflight** ****  
>  not amazing   
>  i’m fine tho i wont waste your time
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Don’t worry. I’m not going send you 20 messages telling you not to kill yourself again.   
>  Unless you need that. 
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  lol thanks for the offer but i think i’m good   
>  just kinda feeling shitty
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Do you wanna talk about it?   
>  It might make you feel better. 
> 
> Did she? Technically, no, especially not to some stranger on an internet she’d interacted with less than five times, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and outside perspectives sometimes worked. 
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  it’s about my roommate   
>  i found out he’s probably moving out next summer and living like 1,000 miles from me, and i’m terrified about it.
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  I see   
>  Why are you terrified about it?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** it’s stupid
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  I’m sure it’s not.   
>  Money issue?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  yeah, but that’s not the main thing   
>  i’ve never lived alone before and tbh i’m not sure i ever want to.   
>  i’m happy for him and everything, but i just don’t want him to leave
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Ah, okay   
>  Well, it’s hard sometimes to let people go, but there are time where you have to think and ask yourself whether or not your behavior is just justified or just holding the person you care about back. 
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  thing is tho   
>  i do know I’m holding him back and I feel so selfish for doing it, but i just can’t help it   
>  He’s my best friend and for some reason i feel like my life will be over if he leaves   
>  i told you it’s dumb
> 
> **kyloren**   
>  It’s not dumb.   
>  I understand not wanting someone to leave more than you probably know.
> 
> The moment the message was received, Rey paused her erratic typing and just stared at her phone. That was a new level of person information she wasn’t sure exactly what to do with. 
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** daddy issues?
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Something like that   
>  You too?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  “parent issues” would be more accurate, but i suppose so yeah   
>  I grew up in the foster system
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  That’s rough   
>  Sorry for bringing it up
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  it’s all good   
>  sometimes it’s a touchy subject, but most of the time I’m okay   
>  parents suck sometimes
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** Amen to that

He didn’t ask anymore questions, and she didn’t reply, but somehow Rey found herself feeling just a little bit better.

* * *

> **reyoflight**   
>  hey
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** Hi
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** wanna play a game?
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  This seems really suspicious   
>  Do I?
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  i think so
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Not super convincing, but okay.   
>  What’s the game?   
>  Wait no, let me guess:   
>  20 questions where you try and find out enough personal information to doxx me.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** lol how did you know
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Just a gut feeling   
>  What is it really?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  well   
>  it was going to be 20 questions, but I don’t care about you enough to doxx you yet
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Yet    
>  Okay, I’ll take it.   
>  So 20 questions, huh? Why?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** just bored and talking to other people gives me anxiety
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** And I don’t?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  Surprisingly not   
>  You in?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** Sure

In reality, Ben really, really hated 20 Questions. He didn’t like talking to other people, and he detested talking to other people, so the entire game was just a disaster waiting to happen, but for some reason it didn’t matter. Even if it meant sacrificing some of his dignity, it’d be worth if it if he could find out just a little more about Rey.

_ Favorite food? _

_ Least favorite place visited? _

_ Failed hobbies? _

_ Music that you liked but always hid from your friends? _

_ Dumbest insult you’ve ever thrown out during an argument? _

First it was 20 questions, and then it was 30, and then the conversation just drifted, and Ben was sure neither of them was actually keeping count anymore. He should’ve been worried about being annoying or keeping her too long. He should’ve been worried about staying up until 2 AM because time got away from them. But he wasn’t.

> **reyoflight** **  
> ** why did you join tumblr?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** why?
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
> ** just wondering

He stared at the message for a stretch of what could’ve been minutes or just seconds. All was silent in his apartment, silent and dark except for the blindingly bright light of his phone that definitely lead to his need for glasses as a teenager, and he just laid there in his boxers as the clock on his nightstand approached 2:30.

To answer Rey’s question would be getting into existentialist mode, which was never a good thing for Ben, especially not at this hour where the night seemed to whisper chaotic notions into his head that always lead to regressing the progress he’d made on himself. He’d been… okay for a while, (whatever “okay” meant, at least) and he wasn’t about to fuck it up now.

Except, Ben wanted to tell her, tell her all about 2007, about the year that destroyed his life and in turn made him want to destroy himself. 

_ I was 17, and I’d just made my third suicide attempt that year. Each time I got closer and closer, and everyone I told just called me needy or quit talking to me, so I just prayed that eventually I’d find the strength to just end it. I discovered FanFiction.net and found this fic that I fell in love, fucking Drarry of all things, and even though every single day felt like an eternity, I kept going because I had to know how that fic ended. I discovered Tumblr because the author linked theirs, so I joined because I had nothing better to do. Fanfiction was the reason I couldn’t die. Tumblr was what helped me keep it that way. _

Ben stared at the message, the irritating flash of the caret as it waited for any addition he could make. The longer he waited the shakier his hands got, the tighter his throat felt, the faster his heart beat. He was getting too close, he was sharing too much. They’d leave if they found out. They’d leave him like everybody else.

So Ben did only what he could:

He deleted it.

_ It’s better this way, _ that voice in his head said, the one who taunted him every moment of every day.  _ Now Rey won’t think something’s wrong with you. Rey won’t leave. _

Ben shut off his phone without replying and rolled over in the darkness.  _ I know. _

* * *

Rey figured he’d fallen asleep when she woke up without a reply the next morning. There was nothing throughout the day, and it was only when she was settling in after getting home from work that her phone gave that familiar ping:

> **kyloren** **  
> ** I was bored.

It was a rational answer, probably a common one, but there was just  _ something  _ about it that just didn’t feel right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IM SO LATE LMAO. I've just been feeling really unmotivated these past few weeks, but the chapters here now!! Hope you enjoy! Tell me what you think <3
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	7. A Very Discord Christmas

> **reyoflight**   
>  Merry Christmas Eve!!!!
> 
> **kyloren**   
>  Merry Christmas Eve
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  why so somber?   
>  are you one of those christmas scrooges
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
>  Unfortunately no   
>  I’m Jewish
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  oh shit sorry i didn’t mean to assume   
>  Happy Hanukkah?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** I’m not really religious. You’re fine.   
>  What are you doing for the holidays?

Rey glanced around at her surroundings, at the snow falling outside the window, at the small Christmas tree placed in the corner with no presents laid before it. Finn wouldn’t be back until next week, and there wasn’t anyone else in the city who she’d made more than an acquaintance with, so she was officially alone for the holidays. Typical.

She wanted to be mad at Finn, she really did, but Rey was almost 21. She should’ve been able to suck it up and be alone so that her best friend could nail the job offer of a lifetime. Except it still hurt. Rey wasn’t stupid; she wasn’t going to mess everything up, but it didn’t stop her from sitting down and feeling sorry for herself.

So here she was, alone on Christmas for the first time since she was a teenager.

> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** nothing   
>  roommate’s still gone, so i’m just chilling

It sounded pathetic, even to her. _ Kyloren  _ probably thought something was wrong with her. No, he definitely thought that. What kind of person spent the holidays  _ alone?  _ Plenty of people, probably, so why did she feel like such a freak about it?

> **kyloren** **  
>  ** sounds ideal
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  so you really are a scrooge    
>  how about you? You doing anything with your family?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** Very funny.
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** wasnt a joke
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** I’m aware.
> 
> **reyoflight**   
>  So you’re really not doing anything at all?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** Is that a problem?
> 
> **reyoflight** ****  
>  no i’m just glad you’re a loser like me   
>  and don’t even try to say you’re not a loser
> 
> **kyloren** **  
>  ** I wasn’t going to do that
> 
> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** do you want to skype

Rey froze. She did  _ not _ just ask that. The words just slipped out—or whatever the internet equivalent was—without her even thinking about it.  _ What the fuck. _ People just didn’t do that, didn’t ask people on the internet they barely know to  _ fucking Skype  _ on a whim. That just didn’t happen, and if it did they were probably in porn.

It took Rey almost three months to put out the offer to Skype with Finn, who never really brought up the subject. Back then it wasn’t as popular as it was now, but it still felt like such a personal thing to do. This was absolutely ridiculous.

Maybe he hadn’t seen it yet. He came and went sometimes. She could just say she sent it to the wrong person, that it was a mistake, and then this whole debacle could be resolved. She wouldn’t embarrass herself in front of him again.

But of course—

> **kyloren** ****  
>  Oh   
>  Sure, I guess.   
>  I don’t give my Skype out to people I don’t know well, but you can on Discord. I know you have that.   
>  #2938

Rey just sat and stared at the messages. This was fucking stupid, a genuinely horrible idea, but as she opened Discord and sent a friend request to him, she found herself not caring as much. Who knew? Maybe it wouldn’t be a creepy old man praying on her.

Kylo Ren was his screen name, just as it was on Tumblr. The name didn’t sound real, yet he used it for everything, so perhaps it just came from some genuinely horrible parents. Unlike his Tumblr, though, his profile image was of a very,  _ very  _ popular cartoon, a stark contrast from his borderline emo on the other site.

Without any of her previous hesitation, Rey clicked on the call button on their bare DM page. If Finn were here right now, he’d probably be calling her a dumbass, but if Finn were here right now, she wouldn’t even be in this situation, so if she was getting catfished it was technically all his fault. 

The call rang for about three seconds before he answered, and then they were there together. Alone. Rey had half a mind about the fact that she was the one who suggested this, so she really should talk first, but  _ this… _ this was just fucking weird.

“So, uh, who talks first? You talk first, I talk first?”

Rey couldn’t help herself, breaking out in giggles as soon as he was finished speaking. “Oh god, I’m sorry.” He didn’t answer her, and she found herself blushing. This was such a bad idea, but at least he didn’t sound fifty. She waited a solid five seconds with no response, cheeks red with embarrassment because,  _ god, _ this was not going well. “Um, hey, you there, dude?”

“Y-Yeah, sorry. I just didn’t realize you were…”

“I was…”

“A girl.”

Rey fell silent. Surely she’d mentioned it, right? It was obvious, wasn’t it? “Is that a problem?”

This was  _ not _ going well. “No! Sorry if I made it seem that way. Uh, I’ve kind of just been referring to you as ‘they’ this entire time.”

Rey wanted to be mad, but she’d been mad at this guy for too much lately, and  _ they _ was a perfectly acceptable pronoun for people’s genders you didn’t know. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m Rey. It’s nice to meet you… Should I call you ‘Kylo?’”

“Kylo’s fine. It’s a nickname. Is Rey your given name?”

_ It’s a dumbass nickname,  _ she wanted to say but refrained. Rey was never very good at making friends, but she had a feeling insulting his nickname was not a good way to start. “Yeah, as far as I know. Nice to kind of officially meet you, Kylo.”

“This is weird, isn’t it?”

“Really weird. I’m not very good at talking to people. This was a stupid suggestion.” She gave a labored laugh, but it sounded even faker than usual.

“It was, but it’s Christmas. I guess I can keep your company, even if I’m shit at it.”

“Fair enough.” She smiled and laid down on the couch, tucking her phone under her ear. “So, Kylo, I see you like Avatar.”

* * *

There were a lot of ways that Ben imagined this night going, but physically talking to Rey was definitely not on that list.

When he got home, late and more exhausted than usual, Ben figured that he was going to collapse in bed, sleep until midnight, and then stay up to see the sunrise and sigh as he remembered how shitty the new day would be. The fact that he was working an office job on Christmas Eve was laughable in itself, but Snoke never liked to give him a minute off, let alone a holiday. He didn’t usually mind, but sometimes it was… a little much.

Even so, Ben didn’t expect much from today, so this was a bit more than a surprise.

“So what do you even do?” 

They hadn’t been talking long yet, just a little over fifteen minutes, but Ben still wasn’t exactly comfortable with this idea quite yet. At any moment, he’d say something wrong and fuck this whole thing up like he did with everything. He never even liked talking to Hux on the phone. This was another level of uncomfortable.

“Office work,” he said after too long of a pause.  _ Fuck, she thinks you’re a dumbass.  _ “It’s not very interesting. You’re in college, right? What are you studying?” This was good. Redirect back to her and hope that it stayed that way.

She laughed, a sound he enjoyed more than any guy who was labelled “not creepy” should have. “What a question. Mechanical engineering. Fun stuff.”

“Sounds like it. What made you decide to do it?”

“You know, just thought it was interesting.”

Ben was never good at reading people, but even he could tell that that was a lie. Even so, he didn’t say anything, only because he appreciated when she did the same. Maybe that was why, even with all his baggage, she had managed to stick around so long. Ben hadn’t found a way to push her away. Not yet, at least. It always happened eventually. He’d say something, do something, to reveal how truly fucked up he was, and then she would leave him like everyone else. 

Sometimes Ben liked to wonder why he stayed with Hux as long as he did. The man was an absolute prick with no compassion or filter, and, yeah, he was a good beta, but more than once Ben had lied awake after his fic was torn apart by Hux and wonder why the  _ hell _ he still allowed this to happen.

Eventually, he resigned to the belief that Ben wanted something… more from him. But that never happened, and Ben was a fool for ever thinking it would.

“That’s good,” he said finally. “It’s always good to do something you enjoy.”

“What about you?”  _ Oh no.  _ “Do you enjoy what you do?”

Ben didn’t want to lie to her, but telling her he hated his job and wished he’d listened to his parents and not thrown his life away like this was not something he was comfortable with right this second. Or ever. Instead, he opted for a simpler answer: “No, not really.”

She was silent for just a moment, and he could practically hear the gears turning in her head. “What don’t you like about it?”

This was getting into a dangerous territory, one that he’d hoped for a while he’d never have to talk about again. Maybe someday he’d tell her about what he’d done to get where he was, the deals he made and the people he stepped on, but today was not that day, and hopefully it wouldn’t be for a very long time. “It’s just not what I want to do anymore.”

“Oh, okay.”  _ Maybe she’s getting the hint.  _ “What about before, when you were younger? What’d you want to be as a kid?”

It was an innocent question, but Ben could feel his voice catch in his throat. He could’ve made an excuse, said something that wasn’t true just to spare him from the pain, but there was something about Rey that made him not want to lie to her. “A pilot,” he said then, quietly. “I wanted to be a pilot. How about you?”

“As a kid, I didn’t have much, so I always had to make up my own stories. They were what kept me entertained all those years, what made me feel okay after every shitty thing happened at once.”

“You wanted to be a writer?”

Rey made a sound that could’ve been either a laugh or a dismissal. “No, I didn’t want to be a writer. I wanted to be a hero. Like the people in my stories.” A pause. “Too bad that can’t happen.”

Now Ben wasn’t usually one for optimism or happiness in general, but there was a time for everything, wasn’t there? For Rey, he’d do it. “Not true.”

“What?”

“Not true,” he said again. “You can be a hero. Your own hero.”

She was silent for a long moment before laughing once. “You know, I guess you’re right.”

* * *

Rey should’ve been done with him by the first hour. Maybe it sounded bad, but talking to most men usually consisted of constant listening about  _ their  _ lives and  _ their _ hopes and  _ their _ dreams, which was all fine and good, except they never asked about her unless it was about her favorite masturbation techniques.

Kylo, however, didn’t even seem interested in talking about himself at all. Maybe that should’ve been a red flag. Maybe he was some criminal trying to gain information to be able to come and try to kidnap her without revealing to much about himself. It’d make sense, except it wouldn’t at the same time. Rey barely knew the man, but there was a part of her that just wanted to know more.

He was such a mystery, everything about him was. His name, his face, his life. It made sense that he’d want privacy on the internet, but she just wanted to know. For science, of course, nothing more.

“How is your fic?” he asked eventually as a redirect from another one of her questions, and Rey felt her heart skip a beat.

“My fic? Uh, well, I’m still writing it if that’s what you mean. How about you?”

“You mean you haven’t roasted all the newest updates in your groupchat?”

Rey scoffed. “Shut up. I’m serious.”

Kylo was silent for a moment before letting out an audible sigh. “Honestly, not well.”

She was honestly surprised that he actually told her the truth. He didn’t strike her as the type to confide in people, but she wasn’t going to protest. The more she could find about him, the better. “Really? What’s wrong? I thought you loved that fic?”

“I did, but… I’ve been in kind of a slump. That’s the only way I can describe it.”

“I see.” Rey hadn’t been writing that long, but she knew what it was like the be in a slump. Where you know what you have to do but weren’t sure whether you the strength to do it, where you were absolutely petrified it wasn’t good enough, where it seemed like there was absolutely no point. Oh yeah, she knew. “When did that start?”

“After the Discord incident.”

Rey shouldn’t have flinched. It was the obvious answer, but it still hurt to hear that the aftermath of things she participated in still affected Kylo. “Oh. I’m… really sorry about that.”

“No, it wasn’t about what you said. I could’ve dealt with that on my own. It wouldn’t have taken too long for me to get over it.”  _ Oh. _ “It’s actually about the guy who posted it. My other friend sent the screenshots to our groupchat, and I told nobody to post them because I couldn’t deal with that humiliation, but the guy did anyway, and it’s just hard to deal with.”

Hux. The man had a reputation, and he lived up to it well. Rey would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little scared of him. Hopefully she’d never be in his spotlight again. 

Kylo sighed. “I probably sound really stupid, but he betrayed me. He was my beta, and he couldn’t even listen to that one request.”

_ Fuck, _ she hadn’t known that. Everything suddenly made so much sense. The reason Hux had been so uptight about the fic was because he was betaing for it. Still, he would always be the bigger asshole for doing what he did to both of them now. “Is he still betaing for you?”

“No. I blocked him. I meant to, I don’t know, reply to him again and tell him I’m sorry, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Maybe that’d be for the best, though. I could get my beta back, and maybe everything would be okay.”

“How long’s it been since you posted a chapter?”

“Since I blocked him. The chapter was shit, and I don’t have anyone else to do it, you know? It’s not even actually finished. I’m thinking about just abandoning it at this point.”

Rey knew very little about Kylo’s fics even after roasting them, but the one thing she did know was that there was a single abandoned fic on his account, and there was nearly thirty in total. It was strange, but Rey understood the need to finish what you started, even if her will-power wasn’t as strong as his. Kylo couldn’t abandon his fics. She had to make sure of that.

“I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would be happy to do it. You’re like the most popular writer in the fandom, aren’t you?”

“I guess, but I don’t trust just anyone. Even letting Hux look at it took a really long time. He was my beta for four years.”

It really wasn’t Rey’s problem, and it probably wasn’t a good idea, but she needed to find Kylo a new beta. The first step, though? Read the fic in question. It was time to start  _ Carcass. _

* * *

_ “You’re not as strong as you think you are.” _

_ Revan could faintly hear Bastila’s muffled voice in the midst of the chaotic mess of the destruction of the courtyard. Blood slicked his hands as he held his wound on his side. It wasn’t from a saber thankfully, the cauterization likely much more painful than it had any right to be, so he’d be fine for now, at least. _

_ But still, that pain didn’t even begin to cover the pain he was feeling now looking at the woman in front of him. _

_ Revan couldn’t find it in himself to reply, couldn’t find the strength that it required to do anything except stare. She stalked toward him, and he was reminded of a predator studying its pray just before it sank its teeth into its neck. He doubted that would’ve have been a worse fate than this was. _

_ “Coward. All you can do is run. Look at yourself.” _

_ He flinched, not needing to look to know she was correct. He’d known for a long time what he’d become but was never able to face the truth. “Bas, don’t do this. You don’t have to do this.” _

_ A smile flashed across her lips and disappeared instantly. It was the most terrifying thing he’d been subjected to this entire day, even with the bodies littering the courtyard and the foul, metallic smell of blood rife in the air. There were few things that said “imminent peril,” but that smile was most definitely one of them. _

_ “I don’t? After everything you’ve done to the Jedi Order, to me, to yourself?” She was standing in front of him now, lightsaber clutched in her hand as her eyes bore into his. “I think this would be a blessing to all of us.” _

_ She was right yet again. Bastila usually was, and that was the most irritating thing about her. She was always right. “Maybe you’re right, but I know you’re not going to this. You’re not going to kill me.” _

_ There it was again, that smile but this time with a darker glint in her eye. “You’re right. I’m not going to kill you. You are.” _

_ Perhaps he should’ve put up more of a fight. Perhaps he should’ve protested when she shoved him to his knees and pointed her saber at his chest. Perhaps he should’ve said no when his hand wrapped around the hilt. Perhaps he should’ve prayed when, for some reason, his thumb hovered over the switch. _

_ But he didn’t. _

* * *

Rey couldn’t have told you exactly what she was expecting from  _ Carcass, _ but a beautifully-written character study about the rise and fall of Darth Revan definitely wasn’t it. She knew the fanfic was popular, but it was rare for a fic with no romantic pairing to be as popular as this was. Now she understood why there were 26,000 kudos

Seven hours, nearly 200,000 words, and three cups of coffee later, Rey finished the last update and couldn’t exactly identify the ache in her chest when she reached the end. It wasn’t exactly disappointment but not joy either, something completely different. It was more like the feeling of enjoying something so much that you take and consume until it’s all gone and then regret there being nothing left.

Rey couldn’t say it was the most beautiful thing she ever read, couldn’t say it by a longshot, but she could sense every bit of raw emotion in the writing, how thoroughly edited and picked through it was. There wasn’t a mistake in sight, reading more like a published novel versus a fanfic, and every word served a greater purpose than just describing. You were meant to feel it, hear it, breathe it, all at the same time. It was a drug to an extent, a sure way out of any reality that you called home, and it was perfect until the high wore off and there was nothing left.

She needed more. She needed to find out what happened next.

Scrolling down, Rey found the comment section and tried to ignore the pang of jealousy in her chest. 900 on just this chapter with no author replies. 

> amaura on Chapter 19   
>  THAT CLIFFHANGER I HATE YOU
> 
> a known homo on Chapter 19   
>  Okay big mood lmao
> 
> HappyDolphinlover13 on Chapter 19   
>  Kinda disappointed by the last chapter tbh, but this one definitely made up for it! Nice work.
> 
> brevancalligraphy  on Chapter 19   
>  This is just the most gorgeous fic ever I can’t! Kylo, you’re just killing me softly. I really hope Bas doesn’t kill him, but I can understand it if she does. Great chapter! Update soon!
> 
> Guest on Chapter 19   
>  Holy FUCk PL EAUSE UPDAET

Quickly, Rey wrote out a short comment and hit submit before she could delete it all, sending the comment into the flurry of ones still coming in.

Rey considered the fic for a moment and just sighed. There was no way he could stop now, leave it like this. She was going to get the next chapter, one way or another.

> **reyoflight** **  
>  ** i’ll beta your fic for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT UP I HAVENT ABANDONED THIS FIC NICE. Rey and Ben go to skyping/discording. What could happen next? ;)
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	8. Strike Fear Into the Hearts of Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again TW for Ben's shitty mental health someone get him help

The office was never lively, never interesting. No one shot a gun or hosted Christmas parties or had arch enemies, and if those things did happen Ben was never invited to them. The office was just as it should be. Except when Snoke did his inspections.

It happened every so often, never planned and never prepared for. It was meant to evaluate his employees, see the work they were doing with efficiency, and help him decide who he was firing that particular day. It never sent the office into an uproar, but the moment Ben walked in the door with his coffee in hand, he knew the panic in the air wasn’t for nothing.

The woman with cracked fingernails and bags under her eyes was at her desk even though she was always taking her morning smoke during the first ten minutes of the day. The man whose name was either Richard or Bryan (or was it Rian?) was chewing numbly on a candy bar from the break room vending machine even though he was definitely the most health-conscious person alive. The new hiree, a former intern for the company who wasn’t new to this rodeo, was wearing her neon headphones but wasn’t listening to the band she usually did loudly enough for him to hear. Maybe it wasn’t much, but even the smallest changes were all too telling in this situation. 

Even Ben’s anxiety spiked more than it already was when these inspections came up, even though he was protected from them. Ben wasn’t exactly wasn’t sure what Snoke actually did during them, but he had a feeling he didn’t want to know. It was better he didn’t.

Instead of pondering it further, he opted to go to his office and slink down into his chair with no appetite for coffee, even if it was the only thing that would keep him functioning for the next eight hours. There wasn’t much on the agenda, but there never really was. Fill out reports, work toward negotiation of loans, and pray the time passed faster than it did the last seven years.  _ Maybe tomorrow, _ he always said, another lie to add to the long list of ones Ben had been telling himself.

Sometimes he liked to imagine what would’ve happened if he hadn’t made the choices he had, if he’d just listened to his parents when they told him he deserved better than working an office job with a man who made far-fetched promises and planted lies into his head, but he hadn’t and that was the real shitty thing about it. Ben  _ knew _ they were right, knew at the very beginning, but he had the worst possible combination of genes possible, stubbornness taking hold with a desperate need to prove them all wrong.

His mother.

His father.

His uncle. 

It was laughable now. Ben should’ve been happy that none of them really knew the extent of how much he’d fucked up, not even his mother who seemed to be only tolerating him as of late. She had an inkling maybe, but he made sure to never make it seem like his job was anything other than the best damn thing that ever happened to him. He couldn’t deal with the humiliation otherwise.

Besides, the job was the least of his worries. If Ben had to sit and wither away and this office until he was 65, so be it. It’d be better than sitting on his ass at home, waiting for the next opportunity to kill himself as if he wasn’t doing it already. Self-destructive tendencies were all part of the game. Russian roulette without the bullet or the gun. 

He’d never told anyone about his mental health, not really. His mother knew some of it but never knew how deep it ran, how many times he’d… It was better not to think about it. Thinking led to memories and memories led to remembering and remembering was never ever a good idea. Ben had ignored it for more than ten years, and he’d somehow made it out alive. What were a few more?

Ben’s job really wasn’t that bad when it came down to it, but it was never what he wished it would be. He’d lived 30 miserable years already. When he was younger, he figured that by now he’d have his life together, that he’d have a house and a family and a stupid dog. He figured that he’d be happy.  _ One step at a time,  _ Ben always told himself, even if the overall objective seemed to be impossibly out of reach. 

The first step was to get his own life together, but that was always easier said than done, and at this point it seemed impossible. Ben was just a mess, and that was the end of it.

Everything was the same thing every day, and long ago, maybe he’d have liked it that way, but the longer it went on, the more restless he became. The day passed by slowly, his anxiety slowly lowering as the clock ticked. Ben didn’t eat lunch, but he never really did. By four o’clock, he’d completed all of his work and was just about to pick up his phone and log back onto Tumblr to check his messages. He was, that is, until his door opened.

At first glance, Snoke looked like a regular old man with wrinkled skin and a balding head, but the longer you knew him, the more rightfully terrified you became. It wasn’t so much his appearance, but it was the air about him, the look in his eyes when he knew something that you didn’t. Ben had fallen for him in a way. Fallen for the false promises, fallen for unrealistic ideals, fallen for the affection he’d  _ finally _ craved after so many years alone. Maybe it was sick, but it was everything Ben always wanted, and it was enough until it wasn’t.

Ben watched as Snoke walked into his office, shutting the door softly behind him and walking the perimeter of the room. “How are you today, Solo?” he asked, and Ben had to swallow the fear settling in his throat. There was no reason to be afraid, yet here he was, absolutely petrified.

“I’m fine, Sir. What can I help you with?”

When Snoke reached his desk, he set a single, wrinkled hand on the mahogany and cast his eyes upon Ben. “Am I not allowed to speak to my vice president whenever I wish?” A sigh. “Pity.”

_ Calm down.  _ “It’s not that, Sir. I was just wondering if there was a… task you wanted me to do. Is everything okay?”

“Oh, everything is perfectly fine. I was just hoping to have a discussion with you if that’s alright. May I sit?” As if the thought of Ben refusing was laughable, Snoke sat down before he got an answer. “I’m evaluating several employees today, as you probably know. Usually I like to keep this process confidential, but since this company will be yours someday, I figured it would be best if I told you.”

Ben waited for several moments, but Snoke made no further comment. “Sir?”

Their eyes met, Snoke’s blue piercing Ben’s own. At a different time, in a different place, maybe he’d have found them comforting. “ You see, Solo, what I do when I evaluate my employees is simple. You’d be surprised how much you can find out about a person just with their office search history.” Ben froze. “I’ve made some… interesting discoveries.”

“Interesting discoveries?”

“Quite, yes. Now, I’d like you to know that I don’t usually look over your search history for the most part, but out of principle, I did today. I hope that’s alright.”

Ben tried to keep a straight face, tried not to reveal how panicked he truly was at this moment, but he doubted Snoke bought it. This was no good. This could not happen. This wasn’t okay. Maybe it was his work computer, which techncially belonged to the company, but Snoke had made a promise when he’d first joined the company that his privacy would be respected. This was invasive. This wasn’t right. This was—

No, he’d never gone onto the sites on his work computer, right? He wasn’t stupid enough to do that. “Of course.”

“I’m glad. Now, what I wanted to speak to you about is actually about your browser history on your computer.”

For a moment, Ben wondered if he’d somehow watched porn on the computer without realizing it, except then Ben remembered he hadn’t watched porn since he was in high school. This wasn’t a big deal. He’d be fine. “Oh?”

“Yes.” Ben wondered if he could see the sheen of sweat appearing on his forehead. “You see, I’m not unhappy with your performance. You’ve been doing amazingly well at this company, and I look forward to this partnership lasting for many years more, but I’ve noticed you’ve been more distracted lately. Naturally I just wanted to check up on you to make sure nothing’s wrong, and I found nothing out of the ordinary.”

He refrained from letting out a sigh of relief. “Is there something wrong with that, Sir?”

“It’s not that, Solo. I just don’t want you to get distracted from what the goal is here. Soon this company is going to be yours, and you’re going to have to start thinking about the future, what you’re doing with your life.”

“I’m afraid I’m uncertain of what you mean.”

Snoke stood, adjusting his jacket as his eyes settled on Ben once more. “Nothing serious. Just making sure there’s nothing I need to know about. There isn’t, correct? You can always talk to me. I’m here for you.”

_ I hate my life and everything about it. I work and sleep and eat and pray for a change that’s never going to change unless I make it happen, but I’m stuck in a limbo of stagnancy that I can’t escape solely because I don’t have the will to try. I have no source of happiness or fulfillment except for my writing, which I haven’t been able to bring myself to do for months. I’m not sure how much longer I’m able to do this, and I hate that I feel the way I do, but it feels like nothing is ever going to change. _

That was what he wanted to say.

Ben looked into Snoke’s eyes and smiled. “I’m fine.”

* * *

“Okay, so how are we doing this?” Rey made a promise to herself to not sound too anxious, but she was already failing tremendously. Still, she couldn’t help it that she was about to see the lost chapter of what was the most popular fic in the entire  _ Legends _ fandom, and there was absolutely nothing to compare it to.

Kylo, on the other hand, seemed a little more apprehensive, seemingly dragging this whole thing out much more than it needed to be. Getting him to even accept her call had been a struggle. “Are you sure about this, Rey? It’s really garbage. You shouldn’t look at it. I haven’t even edited at all. It’s awful.”

“Come on, it’s not awful. Please just let me see it?” When he stayed silent, Rey sighed. “Okay, it’s no big deal. You don’t have to show my if you don’t want to, but I just wanna say I loved it a lot, and I just wanna help you release the next chapter. If you’d rather just talk, then I’m totally game for that too.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Rey’d talked about herself so much so much the last time they talked just because he’d refused to talk about himself, and it felt more self-absorbed than she was comfortable with. She wasn’t sure she could deal with another phone call of either radio silence on his part or talking entirely too much on hers.

He sighed. “Okay, fine, but if you hate it, I’ll just say I told you so. It’s literally garbage. Give me your email so I can share.”

Rey spouted it on impulse, too excited about the thought of receiving the chapter and realizing a second too late that she revealed her main email, not to mention her last name. Jesus, it was good she had the most basic surname on the planet.

Kylo didn’t say anything for a few seconds as he sent her the chapter, and she almost made an inhuman noise as soon as the link appeared in her inbox. “Is it bad?” he asked as soon as she opened the doc.

“This is like nine thousand words. I’ve only read the link so far. Give me a sec.”

There wasn’t a single emotion that she could describe herself as while reading the chapter. It was long, incomplete, and riddled with mistakes that weren’t usually present in the published text, but she still felt all the emotion he poured into it, all the time spent typing out every single character, and the physical pain erupting her chest when it ended was incomprehensible. It wasn’t perfection and it wasn’t his best, but it was still his and she wished sincerely he didn’t view it the way he did.

Like garbage. Somehow it felt familiar.

It was almost twenty minutes later when Kylo spoke again. “Are you done? You don’t have to say anything. Well, I mean, say something, but don’t tell me it’s amazing when it’s not, okay?”

Rey would’ve laughed if she weren’t so fucking set on proving him wrong. “If this fic were human, I’d marry it and have its children.” 

“Huh?”

“Do I have to spell it out for you?” Rey, a known, fic fucker, didn’t even have to ask to know the answer to that question. “This fic is the greatest shit I’ve ever read in my life, and I want that to get through your fucking skull, you fucking dickhead.” When he didn’t answer, Rey just sighed. “Do I look like someone who likes garbage?”

“One hundred percent, yes.”

“Well, you’d be correct, but that’s beside the point.”

Kylo didn’t laugh, but he made a noise that was close to it. “Okay, I get it. It wasn’t total garbage, but it’s still not completed, and I don’t see myself completing it anywhere in the near future. I should just abandon it.”

“No! You can’t do that. Think of your readers.” Immediately, Rey felt bad for saying it. It wasn’t her place to tell him what to do with his fic, especially guilting him to keep it up, but he couldn’t just ditch it now.

“I know. I don’t want to, but I don’t know what else to do.”

Rey tapped her fingers against the keyboard, the only sound penetrating the silence for a good few moments as she thought. “Well, whenever I get stuck on something, I just switch up some things so I don’t get bored with it. Have you tried doing that?”

“What? No, I have to stick with my outline.”

“No offense, but fuck your outline.”  _ Nice going, Rey.  _ “I mean, don’t let it control you. Just because you’ve already written it down doesn’t mean you can’t change it. Sometimes taking a few steps backward can get you miles ahead.”

“That… makes absolutely no sense, but I’m digging it. What do you have in mind?”

Rey was always good at giving unsolicited advice when the situation deemed it necessary, but someone asking for it was a whole new territory. What was there to suggest about the most popular fic in the entirety of the  _ Legends _ fandom? “Well, have you thought about adding like some kind of romance to it? I know you’re not a Brevan shipper, but any kind of romance in general could—”

“I don’t like romance.” He paused. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I just… don’t know how to write romance.”

“Oh, really? Why?”

“I guess it was just annoying that everything made out shipping to be so amazing when it was never super interesting to me. Like, yeah, these two characters can like each other, sure, but why are people so obsessed with it?”

At this point in time, Rey had lost count of how money arguments she’d gotten in about Brevan with antis, which usually led to one of them blocking each other after realizing absolutely nothing could be resolved, but this was different. Kylo actually seemed sincere versus whatever fake “abuse” nonsense was in the other half of the fandom’s heads. Yeah, she could answer this. “It’s never one particular thing,” she said, thinking back to her first real ships—another hero-villain with a stupidly attractive male lead. How simple shipping had been back then, where the only thing you really had to worry about was Anne Rice’s lawyers. “Some ships just draw people in like nothing else. It’s the dynamic of the people involved, the pain and the beauty, how much you want them to be together.”

“And the sex.”

She almost laughed. “Yeah, the sex is a big part of it, but it’s not all of it. It’s nice to explore sometimes, though, how two characters would treat each other in the most intimate parts of their lives.”

“It sounds weird. Isn’t it embarrassing? What if someone found out about it?”

“It’s not like I have parents to worry about finding it. No shame, no gain, dude. Come on, you’re gonna tell me you’ve never read smut before?”

“I’ve read some. No porn without plot, just when it was sprinkled in within a longer fic.”

Rey shook her head. “Shameful. I could link you some if you want. I think Revan definitely needs a good blowjob in your fic, at  _ least. _ ”

Kylo made a noise that could’ve either been a laugh or a choke, covered up by a fit of coughing. “Duly noted, but I’m not a smut guy. It just feels weird to me. How do you even do it?”

She shrugged. “Just say something like ‘He put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time’ and you’re set.”

“Did you just reference  _ My Immortal _ ?”

“Oh, you know it.”

“Screw you.” Rey laughed at the dismay in his voice. “No, but seriously. I just don’t get it. It seems like such an intimate thing to just exploit like that. You don’t feel weird about it at all?”

“It doesn’t have to be exploited. Sex in fanfic can be a really beautiful thing, just like in real life, I guess. It’s not exactly imagining your own sexual experiences because virgins write it all the time as well. You just imagine what they’re feeling in the moment and go with it from there. It’s not all forced, kinky shit where the girl gets eight orgasms and the guy has a ten-inch cock. There’s some like that, yeah, but it’s just whatever you’re into.”

Kylo was silent for so long that, for a moment, Rey thought he hung up on her for going too far. “Okay, I kind of get it, I think. I still probably won’t write it, but I guess I’ll stop judging your masturbation material.”

“I do not masturbate to fanfiction.” She paused, just knowing that he was about to open his stupid mouth again. “Okay, only a couple of times, but you can’t judge me for that, okay? It’s less weird than whatever porn you watch, I’m sure.”

“I don’t watch porn. Never was interested during my formative, horny years and definitely am not interested now.”

This was going into a weird, potentially dangerous territory as talking to men about sex always did, but she found herself mildly curious, even if she shouldn’t have been. “Weirdo, but you do you. I’ve always had access to it, mostly because my foster siblings were freaks who never wore headphones when they watched, but that disgusted me more than it turned me on.”

“Not watching it was a blessing, honestly, because I don’t think I could’ve dealt with my mother ever finding it. I think she would’ve had a very long talk with me about the porn industry and respecting women.”

“Oh god, sounds amazing. Was your mom strict or something?”

“When she was around, yeah. Otherwise it was our housekeeper, who treated me like I was six instead of sixteen.”

_Housekeeper._ _Must be a rich kid._ “What about your dad?” It was always a bad question to ask, but it was most definitely always one of interest.

“Don’t even get me started on my dad.” He said the words with humor in his voice, but there was something that was just  _ off _ about it. “Every time I start talking about him, I end up hating him a little bit more than I already do.”

It would’ve been easy to pry, ask for more information and find out as much as she could about him, but Rey sensed this was a conversation for another time. It could wait. “Big mood. Do you wanna get started with the fic? I’ve got a lot of love to give it.”

“Nothing would make me happier.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up y'all how are you guys!! this is a little late, but I hope you enjoy!! I made a major breakthrough in the plot, which we shall see coming here very soon :) Hope you're ready.


	9. So Close Yet So Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank me later (well you won't be but uh)
> 
> tw for slight homophobia by, well, i think you can imagine who

 

> **Hux** Today at 9:21 AM  
>  A new chapter  
>  You have a lot of balls publishing without me, Solo, I’ll give you that.  
>  Maybe I’ll read it, maybe I won’t.  
>  Anyway, that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about.

Ben eyed the messages warily, tapping on the keyboard of his laptop as he considered whether or not it was an abominable idea to reply. The past few months hadn’t been great, but they hadn’t been the worst either, not by a long shot, and he was still considering whether or not Hux was a major factor to that. The man had picked and prodded at every insecurity, insulted the simplest of mistakes, and was always the first person to tell Ben he’d failed.

But Hux hadn’t always been like this. In the beginning, Ben had been happy with their partnership. Hux had been supportive of Ben’s fanfic and offered to beta his very first fic. He was the one who was there from the very beginning, so it wasn’t wrong to want some kind of closure, right?

> **Kylo** Today at 7:49 PM  
>  What do you want? I thought I made myself clear by not replying to you.

His reply was almost instantaneous.

> **Hux** Today at 7:49 PM  
>  I figured it’d been a momentary lapse of judgement.  
>  We’ve been partners for years. I know you were going through a rough time, and I’m willing to forget about this whole thing if you are.

There was a part of Ben, a very small part but one that was ever-present, that wished he could do that, forget about everything Hux had done to him and go back to the way things were. It would’ve been so easy to just blindly accept everything he said now and allow Hux to control his fic once more, but Ben had realized something in the past few months that he never thought he would:

His fic was important.

It had been a bit of a learning curve, as he already knew his fic was important, but for a different reason. Before, it had been the reason Ben was alive, the thing that kept him functional and able to get up every day. It still was in some kind of way, but he was beginning to learn different ways to cope in ways that weren’t his fic and deal with the self-destructive that plagued his days and nights.

It was a work in progress, but he was getting there, and that was all that mattered for now.

> **Kylo** Today at 7:52 PM  
>  Why do you even care?

> **Hux** Today at 7:53 PM  
>  Because I care about your fic, and I care about the people who read it. I always have.  
>  I did end up reading the chapter, and, yeah, it’s fine, but this new beta of yours isn’t doing his job. The text is littered with things that I could’ve fixed if you had sucked it up and taken what I did like a man.

_Fuck this._ For a moment there, Ben almost thought Hux had changed, but he was still a grimy, horrible person who only ever thought about himself.

> **Kylo** Today at 7:56 PM  
>  I don’t recall asking for your opinion.  
>  I don’t need you, Hux. Not anymore.  
>  Go out into the real world sometime. It’d benefit you.

> **Hux** Today at 7:58 PM  
>  You know what?  
>  Fine.  
>  Screw your fic. Anything you write will always be garbage. Anything you fucking touch will always be garbage. (Edited)  
>  You don’t know how to write a fic, and even the best beta in the world won’t ever be able to fix the disaster that’s your writing, not even me.  
>  Face it, you’re nothing.

> **Kylo** Today at 8:03 PM  
>  I don’t need you.

> **Hux** Today at 8:04 PM  
>  You don’t? Is that why you stayed with me for years?  
>  Oh no, I think we both know the reason why you did.

> **Kylo** Today at 8:04 PM  
>  Please enlighten me.

> **Hux** Today at 8:06 PM  
>  You and your dumbass gay delusions.  
>  Don’t act surprised. Everyone knows you’ve been in love with me since we first met. I hoped it was just a phase, but you really don’t know when to stop, do you?

Ben found himself frozen, unable to move or think or _breathe._ There was no way he knew, there was no way anyone knew. His infatuation with Hux had been a deep-held secret, only expressed to Ben’s closest friends. There was no way Hux knew. Unless…

_Mitaka._

> **Kylo** Today at 8:13 PM  
>  How I felt about you then doesn’t matter. All that matters now is the fact that I’d rather die than ever allow you to beta for me again.
> 
> **Hux** Today at 8:14 PM  
>  Then die.

Without another word, Ben clicked the block button and watched as the conversation disappeared. With another few keystrokes, he blocked Mitaka, Phasma, and anyone else associated with them. They all knew Ben for years, had witnessed his shattered mental health and vicious self-loathing, knew how much every word affected him. Hux had toed the line, but he’d always kept himself placated enough to never cross over into that one defining territory that Ben couldn’t deal with. Now all bets were off. It was time for them to permanently be removed from his life because Ben would rather lose every single one of his followers than put up with one more second of this.

* * *

“What in the _hell_ are you eating?”

Rey glanced down at the plate in her hand as she settled back down into the sofa. “Hummus?”

“Looks disgusting. Let me try.” He sat down the remote to reach over and grab a carrot off her plate. Rey just watched in disgust as he swiped bit of her bowl and examined the substance before taking a bite of it. “Not bad, but it’s too healthy for me. What do you wanna watch?”

Rey shrugged, tapping her fingers on the sides of the plate as Finn navigated through his Netflix account. It always took them double the amount of time to find something to watch versus actually watching it, so, really, this was all part of the experience. “Something not stupid. Have you ever seen Fight Club?”

“We are not watching Fight Club again.”

“But it’s Fight Club. It’s an American classic. Like, you know, Breakfast At Tiffany’s or the original Power Rangers. It’s iconic.”

Finn clasped her hand with his and looked straight into her eyes. “Rey, be honest with me, okay? Are you on drugs?”

She rolled her eyes and smacked him on the shoulder, returning her attention back to her hummus. “Just pick something. I won’t complain this time.” They both knew that was a lie, but it was in their unofficial roommate agreement that neither of them mentioned that fact.

God, Rey was going to miss this. The ease of conversation, the company, the familiar sense of togetherness that she couldn’t get anywhere else. This wasn’t just Rey and Finn’s apartment, this was _Rey and Finn’s home._ They were in this together, had been for years. They suffered the cold and the bills and the overnighters in the company of each other, and when Finn moved… She’d have none of it anymore.

 _But Finn would be happy._ She shook her head. That was all the mattered.

That’s what she kept telling herself, at least.

As Rey watched Finn sort through hundreds of movies that they’d seen, wanted to see, and sworn off ever seeing, her phone buzzed in her pocket. Now, while they usually had a no phone rule during the movie, Finn was likely to spend the next half hour searching for something, so she most definitely had plenty of time to check any necessary messages before then. 

> **Kylo** Today at 8:37 PM  
>  Hey sorry to bother you  
>  I just need to talk to someone.

Rey swiped open the message immediately, fumbling with her password a few times before Discord actually opened. A part of her brain was set off into a panic, as it did when any of her friends sent her a message in that kind of tone, but there was just something _different_ about it when Kylo did it. There was more of an urgence there, like she knew this was not something she could wait to see.

> **Rey** Today at 8:37 PM  
>  ofc what’s up
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 8:38 PM  
>  It’s… a lot to explain.  
>  Basically Hux messaged me again, and it didn’t go super great.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 8:38 PM  
>  YIKES  
>  what happened  
>  send screenshots

Over the course of two minutes, Rey was sent four screenshots of Hux and Kylo’s conversation. It was… something else, that was for sure. She knew firsthand how well Hux put up an act and played it well, but it was strange seeing it through a different point of view. Kylo knew this man, knew what he’d done and what he could do, but he’d stayed friends with him all those years. And now, it was biting him in the ass.

 

> **Rey** Today at 8:43 PM  
>  that’s  
>  yikes
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 8:46 PM  
>  Yikes?

“Wanna watch anime?”

“We are not watching anime for our movie night, Finn.”

> **Rey** Today at 8:48 PM  
>  you know, it just sucks that he treats you that way  
>  BUT  
>  I am proud of you
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 8:49 PM  
>  Why would you be proud of me? I didn’t do anything.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 8:49 PM  
>  but you did  
>  you told him no  
>  hux has been manipulating you forever and you finally have closure  
>  he’s an asshole and that’s that  
>  no need to ever go back to him
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 8:54 PM  
>  Thanks  
>  I really needed that  
>  Sorry for bothering you(Edited)
> 
> **Rey** Today at 8:55 PM  
>  dude it’s no problem  
>  also can i ask you something  
>  it’s okay if you don’t wanna answer

Finn let out an _oof_ and clicked on a movie that Rey didn’t even look up at. “Okay, I’m putting on Forrest Gump, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Rey rolled her eyes tossed a carrot over in his general vicinity, not particularly caring whether or not it successfully arrived there.

 

> **Kylo** Today at 8:57 PM  
>  I can always try.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 8:58 PM  
>  ok um i’m gonna try and phrase this in a way that sounds ok  
>  what hux said at the end there  
>  about you being in love with him  
>  was it true?

As soon as she sent the messages, Rey prayed that he wouldn’t be offended at her asking. Kylo didn’t open up about himself very much, so she was clueless about any of his romantic interests at all, let alone his sexuality.

> **Kylo** Today at 9:04 PM  
>  Kind of.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:04 PM  
>  kind of?
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:04 PM  
>  It’s a long story
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:05 PM  
>  i’ve got time  
>  no pressure tho  
>  it’s ok if it’s too personal
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:06 PM  
>  It’s my most deepheld secret. I’ve only ever told one person about it, and he’s the one who told Hux.  
>  But I think it might make me feel better if I tell you so here it goes:  
>  I did like Hux at one point, a really long time ago.  
>  We met each other on a fan forum back in 2005. I was 16, and he was 21, and he seemed like the coolest person in the world.  
>  Obviously I was really young and having a very nice sexuality crisis, so I tried convincing myself that I didn’t like guys, but he was there and popular, and I was an emo teenager who read Harry Potter fic every night so that I could cope with my own self-hatred.  
>  The crush maybe lasted like a few years, stopped probably around age 20, but years later I told the story to my friend, who promised to never tell anyone else about it.  
>  Funny how that works.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:22 PM  
>  thank you for telling me.  
>  i’m sorry you got betrayed like that
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:23 PM  
>  It’s fine. I don’t even care anymore.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:25 PM  
>  forgive me for asking but  
>  are you gay?

That probably was not being read as the way Rey intended it, and hopefully Kylo didn’t think she was being insensitive or anything since she genuinely just wanted to know, but it was probably best to be straightforward versus trying to spend another month trying to figure it out.

> **Kylo** Today at 9:26 PM  
>  When I was a teenager it used to depend on the day. Boys one day, girls the next.  
>  It wasn’t until I was 26 that I realized I was just a raging bisexual.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:31 PM  
>  LMAO  
>  well, thank you for telling me. I’m really glad you did.  
>  and remember don;t let Hux get under your skin. he means nothing in the long run.
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:34 PM  
>  I’m gonna keep telling myself that  
>  What about you then
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:35 PM  
>  what about me?
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:36 PM  
>  Sexuality

It was reasonable for the question to be returned, but it still caught her off guard somehow. Rey wished she were life Finn, who had known he was bi since he was a kid, but the topic of sexuality had always been somewhat of a taboo in her own mind for as long as she could remember.

> **Rey** Today at 9:41 PM  
>  Oh  
>  tbh idk i dont think much about it  
>  it’s never really mattered when i’ve had to focus on everything else
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:45 PM  
>  Never mattered?
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:47 PM  
>  just didn’t have time to date or explore anything  
>  i have a vague idea of who i like, but i never really made a solid decision of “yea, i’m straight” or “i’m def bi” or w/e
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:51 PM  
>  You don’t have to identify as anything  
>  You can just like who you like, as long as you’re okay with it.  
>  Labels are just personal preference
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:54 PM  
>  yeah you’re right  
>  tbh it’s weird i just start liking every cute person i meet a little bit until something becomes a dealbreaker and scares me off

Finn was the first to come to mind, but his dealbreaker was the fact that when they met he was talking every other day about a new boy that he was into. After that, there were a few others, cute guys and girls who came and went throughout the years but never left any distinct footprint in her mind.

> **Kylo** Today at 9:55 PM  
>  Jesus  
>  Am I included in that list? Lol
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:55 PM  
>  did u just use ‘lol’  
>  and no not yet
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 9:56 PM  
>  I figured  
>  I can’t imagine I made the best first impression
> 
> **Rey** Today at 9:56 PM  
>  you definitely didn’t  
>  but i actually meant that you haven’t scared me off yet

This was heading into dangerous territory. It was true Kylo had peaked her interest when they first met, but it was a far cry from a romantic affair. Their relationship, whatever it was, had always been platonic and respectful, almost professional most of the time. The only thing that would ever tip off that they were anything more than business partners were the late-night phone calls that were made at 3am when the exhaustion of the day was weighing down on her, but the whisper of Kylo’s voice was the reminder that Rey needed to remember that she needed him.

Sometimes she liked to think he needed her too.

> **Kylo** Today at 10:00 PM  
>  You haven’t?  
>  I wasn’t I aware I was a contender
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:01 PM  
>  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
>  figured it didn’t matter  
>  it was stupid lmao
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:04 PM  
>  Who said it was stupid?
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:05 PM  
>  are you saying it’s not stupid?
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:05 PM  
>  I’m not saying it’s not not stupid  
>  Do you really think it’s stupid?
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:05 PM  
>  i figure it’s pretty pointless
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:06 PM  
>  But do you think it’s stupid?
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:07 PM  
>  Are you trying to say you like me?
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:09 PM  
>  I might be.

_This man._ Rey looked over at Finn, who seemed to be completely engrossed in their movie that Rey hadn’t even glanced at in over 25 minutes. She almost felt bad, especially since they had a very limited time together until he moved now, but if he knew, he’d understand. Except he didn’t know, and she was going to make sure of that.

“I’m gonna go to that bathroom,” Rey lied, standing up and tucking her phone under her arm. Finn didn’t even glance at her, only making a noise of approval as she walked away. She held her breath until she’d successfully locked herself in the bathroom and slid down onto the slightly grimy bathroom tile, clutching her phone in sweaty palms as she typed.

> **Rey** Today at 10:11 PM  
>  you might be?  
>  okay  
>  well, i might as well  
>  i guess we’ll never know

The fact that she wasn’t having a mental breakdown at this point was remarkable. This was crazy. This was _fucking insane,_ and yet— _and yet_ … she was still here. Rey didn’t know this guy. She’d never even seen his face or knew where he lived or what he did, but she was still here going through the motions of something she’d inevitably regret later.

> **Kylo** Today at 10:12 PM  
>  Sadly.  
>  The truth of our feeling will only exist in the sad existence of what could only have been an imitation of reality.  
>  The denial of granting me the satisfaction of knowing such intimate secrets will haunt me for the right of my miserable days. I pray thee ends my suffering in one way or the other.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:15 PM  
>  GOD I hate you

She found herself smiling, something she felt she didn’t do nearly enough anymore. 

> **Kylo** Today at 10:16 PM  
>  You and me both, kid  
>  What do you say then?  
>  End my suffering?
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:17 PM  
>  i think we both know there’s no ending your suffering, dude  
>  but i suppose if it truly pleases you i can disclose my feelings lie beyond the usual vast arrangement of companionship
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:19 PM  
>  Pleases me, indeed.  
>  So what are we supposed to do now? I’ve never gotten past this part.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:21 PM  
>  this part? have you never had a relationship before?
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:21 PM  
>  Well, no. That a problem? Do you require “experienced” men?
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:22 PM  
>  no i just didn’t realize you were  
>  like
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:23 PM  
>  A virgin? Yeah, I know.

A virgin. Well, Rey couldn’t say she was surprised considering how emotionally unattached Kylo had been since the very beginning of when they started talking, but it still was a comfort to know that she wasn’t alone in that regard. 

> **Rey** Today at 10:23 PM  
>  well, that’s not exactly what I was going to say, but close enough I guess  
>  but no that doesn’t matter to me i’m like as inexperienced as they come  
>  fuck this is weird  
>  should it be this weird?
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:26 PM  
>  I can’t imagine talking about your relationship status and virginity on the internet with a person you’ve never met can be any more awkward than this has
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:27 PM  
>  no i can think of something worse  
>  we could be on a call right now  
>  or still on tumblr  
>  imagine admitting your feelings to someone without trusting them enough to give them your discord.
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:31 PM  
>  No  
>  Imagine admitting your feelings to someone without telling them your real name  
>  Ben
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:32 PM  
>  ??????
> 
> **Kylo** Today at 10:32 PM  
>  Ben  
>  That’s my real name  
>  I figured… you should know it  
>  So there you go
> 
> **Rey** Today at 10:35 PM  
>  Oh  
>  Ben  
>  That’s a really nice name  
>  Thank you for telling me.

Rey watched _Kylo is typing_ appear under the textbox as there was a knock on the bathroom door. “Rey, everything okay? You’ve been in there a while. The movie’s almost over.”

She cursed under her breath and shoved the phone into her back pocket. “Yeah, I’m fine. My stomach was just feeling a little sick from the snacks and stuff. I’ll be right out.”

“Sure thing, Rey.”

Rey tried to ignore the doubt in his voice as she stood up and faced herself in the mirror. She was being selfish. Kylo—Ben—could wait for a couple hours, no matter how hard it seemed after all this. It was her and Finn’s night, just for a little while longer. 

> **Rey** Today at 10:36 PM  
>  OOF sorry i gotta go but i’ll be back asap to talk more akjsgalsh  
>  bye ben :))))))))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I SUCK I KNOW
> 
> I just started school back, and it's been crazy, but I haven't forgotten about this story i swear!!!! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm not SUPER happy with it, but it was enjoyable to write, so I really hope you enjoyed it too. We're getting pretty close to the end here, so sit tight!!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	10. Unwritten Dilemmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING
> 
> This chapter contains some really heavy material that could be possibly triggering. Triggers include attempted suicide and drinking. The attempted suicide method is intended to be through OD on drugs, but no drugs are ever taken, nor is any character harmed fictionally or otherwise.
> 
> Continue with care and take care of yourselves. I will not be mad if you don't want to read this chapter. It's a necessary plot point of the fic that I'm not intending to be romanticized. If you want to continue reading this fic but just not read this chapter, I can put a brief summary of what happens at the bottom since skipping it in its entirety leaves out a few plot points.

 

 

> **Carcass** by **kyloren** **  
> ** Legends - All Media Types  
>  **Graphic depictions of violence,** **Major Character Death,** Darth Revan, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Violence, Heavy Book References, Implied/Referenced Character Death
> 
> There were many reasons Revan turned. The world would only ever know one.
> 
> Language: English Words: 213,679 Chapters 20/? Comments: 8297 Kudos: 11067 Bookmarks: 624 Hits: 206789
> 
> **Vessels** by **kyloren** ****  
> Legends - All Media Types  
>  **Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings**
> 
> Sometimes he liked to imagine what would’ve happened if he hadn’t left.
> 
> Language: English Words: 23,457 Chapters 2/2 Comments: 1463 Kudos: 2658 Bookmarks: 403 Hits: 10051
> 
> **Breaking Point** by **kyloren** **  
> ** Legends - All Media Types  
>  **Graphic Depictions Of Violence,** Possibly Triggering Events, Trauma, Canon Compliant.
> 
> The Jedi were not understanding people.
> 
> Language: English Words: 157,632 Chapters: 18/18 Comments: 1709 Kudos: 1586 Bookmarks: 149 Hits: 53592
> 
> **Fortune** by **kyloren** **  
> ** Legends - All Media Types  
>  **Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings,** Canon Compliant, Violence
> 
> _“Sum up at night what thou hast done by day.”_
> 
> Language: English Words: 67,264 Chapters: 12/12 Comments: 807 Kudos: 1486 Bookmarks: 309 Hits: 12034

* * *

In the morning, there were two messages on Ben’s lockscreen.

 

> **Rey**
> 
> **kdops**

His first reaction was to click on Rey’s message, as it should’ve been. He’d spent most of last night laid out on his kitchen floor, the tile cool against his burning skin as he clutched his phone with sweaty palms. His and Hux’s talk hadn’t gone extremely well, and the last message had sent Ben spiralling back down to rock bottom, just for a moment there. If this had happened last year or even maybe last month, he’d have let it happen, let his life unfold around him, but the memory of the girl on the other side of the line was enough to make him open his messages.

How well that had worked out.

After Rey said she need to go, Ben had made himself dinner, a homemade dinner, for the first time in ages. It was just instant oatmeal with cinnamon, but after having the same noodle casserole for the last six months, the change felt necessary, good, even when everything in his mind screamed at him to stop.

Rey replied within an hour, and Ben smiled when she did. Two hours past his bedtime, and he didn’t care. For once, it didn’t matter. Sleep could wait. Work could wait. All that mattered now was that the first thing on his mind wasn’t the inevitable conversation that he should’ve seen coming from the very beginning.

 

> **Rey** Today at 7:23 AM  
>  Good morning  <3

In the past, Ben would’ve cringed at any use of emoji in any form of text whatsoever, but for the first time in his life, he shot one of his own back and exited out of the messages before he sent something even stupider.

The next message was from Tumblr, from an account he’d never messaged with before, but he knew exactly who it was. 

 

> **kdops** ****  
> Kylo  
>  We need to talk
> 
> **kyloren**  
>  I have absolutely nothing to fucking say to you, Mitaka.  
>  Coming here on your main blog doesn’t change anything.
> 
> **kdops**  
>  Kylo please  
>  Hux told me what happened with you guys  
>  I just wanted to make sure you’re okay
> 
> **kyloren**  
>  No you don’t.  
>  You’ve never actually cared about me, and you never will. I’ve always considered you a friend, but we’re over  
>  Forever  
>  Get over it
> 
> **kdops** **  
> ** Just because i associate with hux? Come on, dude. He was my friend longer than he was yours.
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> Hux doesn’t care about you, Mitaka.  
>  He doesn’t reblog your art  
>  He doesn’t like any of your posts  
>  I don’t even think he follows you to be honest  
>  He uses you, and you don’t even care because you’re thirsty for the popularity you get just by being associated with him.
> 
> **kdops** **  
> ** That’s not true.
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> Sure it isn’t.  
>  And no it’s not just because you associate with him.
> 
> **kdops**  
>  Then why?
> 
> **kyloren** **  
> ** You told Hux I was in love with him

Ben had known Mitaka for years. He didn’t trust anyone fully, not really, but Mitaka was the closest thing to a real friend Ben had ever had. Then again, it was Mitaka who had screenshotted Rey’s conversation with her friends behind their backs. Anyone who associated with Hux was no good, and it was only a matter of time before they stabbed you in the back.

And the sad reality was Ben was not excluded from that list.

 

> **kdops** ****  
> Kylo………  
>  listen ok i’m sorry  
>  i didn’t think you would mind  
>  it was such a long time ago that i told him i didn’t even think her remembered  
>  *he
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> Doesn’t matter  
>  We’re done, Mitaka. I’m not doing this anymore
> 
> **kdops** ****  
> Kylo wait  
>  Ok i get it you’re mad  
>  I probably deserve it too, but i want you to know Hux is not going to forget about what happened  
>  Be aware of that.
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> What do you mean?  
>  What’s he planning?
> 
> **kdops** ****  
> I don’t know. He hasn’t told me anything.  
>  I just know Hux, and I know that he’s the type who wants to get the last word in
> 
> **kyloren** ****  
> I’m not afraid of him.  
>  I’ve been letting him control me for too long now. I’m done.  
>  Goodbye Mitaka

Ben almost hesitated over the block button this time, but soon enough, Mitaka was just another URL in the long list of blocked blogs that graced his profile, and it was better that way. No more Mitaka, no more Hux, no more of the shitty people that made his life hell.

* * *

When Ben showed up in the office at 9am, he was smiling. The secretary was noticeably staring with a look that could’ve been either concern or amusement as she dialed the same number she did every morning. The intern with the nice handwriting was sipping on coffee with the name _Andrea_ written on it, even though Ben was sure that wasn’t her name. The janitor that had been there since the very beginning was listening loudly to some pop song Ben had heard in some capacity but couldn’t tell you the title, artist, or year it was from. The morning wasn’t entirely normal, but today, at least, it wasn’t a bad thing.

Ben was sure his good mood would’ve worn off by noon, but by three o’clock, it was still going strong, albeit hindering his productivity a little bit. Snoke wouldn’t be pleased if he knew how many times Ben had checked his phone in the past half hour, especially since Rey hadn’t actually replied since she left for work early this morning, but it had become almost therapeutic, an ability to distract himself from the monotony of the day.

He couldn’t have told you when the last time he felt like this was. It wasn’t like anything felt normal because Ben wasn’t sure he even knew what feeling normal was like, but it was something closer to that, and it was… good. It felt good.

4 o’clock rolled around, and he was typing on a report doc when an email came in.

 

> **Clancy Adams | Urgent - Please Read ASAP | 4:16 PM**

The person wasn't in his contacts, and the name didn’t ring a bell, but it probably was just someone from the accounting department. Usually Ben didn’t pay any mind to the many “urgent” emails he received since all the actually urgent emails would’ve been sent to Snoke, but something about this one just… stuck out somehow.

 

> **Clancy Adams** <clxnc7.xdxm5@010110.net>
> 
> **Subject: Urgent - Please Read ASAP**
> 
> Thought you’d seen the last of me?

Ben narrowed his eyes as he considered the email. The name, the email, the text. None of it made sense, didn’t even seem real. _Probably a prank,_ he thought before his phone dinged.

 

> **New Email**
> 
> **Clancy Adams** **  
> ** **OPEN**

Wait.

 

> **Clancy Adams** <clxnc7.xdxm5@010110.net>
> 
> **Subject: OPEN**
> 
> Don’t act surprised, Ben Solo

A buzz. A text. 

 

> **Unknown Number** **  
> ** This is what you get for leaving me.

Ben dropped his phone onto his desk and shot out of his chair. _No._ No, this wasn’t happening. It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon. He was meant to be muddling through his last hour at work by downing coffee as he stared at the blurry pages of text and numbers that never mattered in the long run. This wasn’t supposed to happen. _This wasn’t supposed to happen._

 

> **Incoming call from Unknown Number**

Ben considered picking up for a moment. He shouldn’t have, should have ran out of the office right then and there, but if the person who was behind this was really who he thought it was, then there was no getting out of it.

He swiped _accept._

“Hello?” For a moment, Ben expected there to be nobody there, like this was some sick joke out of a fucking horror movie. Maybe he would have preferred that.

“Ben Solo, born on November 15th, 1988 to Han Solo and Leia Organa. Went to boarding school for most of his childhood and attended Harvard from 2007 to 2011. Has been working at First Order Industries for about six years.” A snort. “This was all publicly available information. Imagine, Ben Solo, what exactly I could do with you.”

Ben could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He’d heard this pitch before somewhere before, on a Tumblr post years ago. A victim of doxxing that he’d ignored, which was now biting him in the ass. “Hux, you can’t—This is illegal.”

“Maybe, but that never stopped me before. Why should it now? Why should it when I have everything I need to know about you sat right in front of me. Address, phone number, social security. One click from me, and you’re going to be ruined.”

 _Fuck._ “Where did you find it? You don’t know how to hack, Hux. How do I know you’re not tooling with me just to get me to beg to come back to you?”

“Oh, Ben, I think you’d be surprised how many bosses would give up their employees’ personal information without a second thought. For the right price, of course. For yours, well, it was a rough negotiation, but I think we’re both pleased with the deal.”

Snoke. Snoke had given him up. Snoke leaked his personal information to a total stranger. No. No, he wouldn’t have. Ben trusted Snoke, had given up his life and happiness for this company. He’d been here since almost the very beginning. No, Snoke wouldn’t have done this. Snoke—

Ben didn’t reply to Hux, so many words flying through his head, but all seeming insignificant. He should’ve known this would happen. He knew Hux knew no restraint, would stop at nothing to get what he wanted from his doxx victims. Whether it was money, fear-mongering, or just plain wanting them to die, it was going to happen one way or another.

“Goodbye, Ben. I’m done with you.”

“Hux—”

The other line disconnected, and Ben slowly dropped his phone from his ear to stare at the call history page. He’d only been on the call for two minutes, but his heart was beating too fast, anxiety spiking for every second that went by. When his phone vibrated, Ben knew it had happened. When it vibrated for the tenth time, he knew he was fucked.

It took everything Ben had in him to storm into Snoke’s office, phone clutched in hand. This was the first time he’d ever done something even remotely disrespectful to the man, and there was some part of it that felt invigorating, but it was overshadowed by the constant buzz of his phone and the shaking of his hands.

“You—It was you. You did it. I-I trusted you, Snoke. I… I trusted you.”

Snoke rolled his eyes and looked back down at the paper he’d been writing on with perfect handwriting. “Solo, please calm yourself. What’s gotten into you?”

“My information. You fucking sold my information to him.”

He visibly tensed but still didn’t look up from his paper. He was going to play this game then. “I have no idea what on Earth you’re talking about. Get out of my office right now and compose yourself, or we’re going to have a long talk about your position at this company.”

Ben slammed his phone down on Snoke’s desk, wishing that the constant vibration would just stop. “Fuck my position at this company. You sold my goddamn information to some online stranger for money, and now they posted my fucking personal information on whatever damned website that these”—He gestured to his buzzing phone—“creeps hang out on.”

Snoke, to his credit, looked up then. “Ben, please, calm down. You have to understand the position I was in. The man offered a large sum of money for just a few numbers.”

“You mean my fucking social security number?”

“You’re young, Ben. You have plenty of time to rebuild anything you need. I’ll help you if that’s what it takes. Come now, be reasonable. What’s more important: your pride or the company?”

In the past, Ben knew the answer to this, and he knew it without hesitation. This company was his life, his everything. He’d planned to die here, whenever that would be. That was the plan, and it had been the plan since he was 22 years old. Now, though, things had changed. Ben wasn’t going to be grinding his teeth just to get through the day anymore. Ben wasn’t going to be hating every aspect of his life just because it was in his job description. Ben wasn’t going to just sit here and watch days pass with no real idea of what he wanted anymore.

There were very few things Ben knew for sure, but he was certain of this one thing:

“I quit.”

“Solo, don’t you walk out that door.”

Except he was already gone, phone clutched in hand as he walked right past the employees he never bothered to get to know, in the building he never loved, in the city he never gave a fuck about. Ben didn’t know where he was going, just that he needed to get the fuck out of here.

* * *

 

 

> **Unknown Number** **  
> ** Hey i heard you were available. why don’t i come on over and see for myself.
> 
> **Unknown Number** **  
> ** Disgusting little bitch
> 
> **Unknown Number** **  
> ** hey sweetie ;)
> 
> **Unknown Number** **  
> ** want some weed. Unlaced. lmk
> 
> **Unknown Number**  
>  I’m in NYC too. I’m thinking about inviting myself in to your place and making myself at home.
> 
> **Unknown Number** ****  
> [image]  
>  More pics @bbiegurlz on insta  <3
> 
> **Unknown Number**  
>  Pic 4 pic ?
> 
> **Unknown Number** **  
> ** hey cutie im in brooklyn! I like your pics. wnna hook up? Message back !!!
> 
> **Unknown Number** **  
> ** Sorry you were doxxed, dude, but you probably deserved it lol hope you die
> 
> _View 300+ New Messages_

* * *

Sometimes there were days where everything seemed to be going his way, and those were always the ones where, for a split second, Ben thought he was going to be okay. They were rare, but they did happen at random times, breaking up his routine of hating everything about his life just for a little while.

That had been yesterday.

It was only fitting that he’d hit rock bottom once again.

He turned on Do Not Disturb, but that didn’t stop him from scrolling through the messages that came in every few seconds. Most were just trolls, asking him for sex and throwing out whatever slurs they pleased, but there were also a good amount threatening violence of varying sorts. All his social media was completely bombarded with spam, even his ancient Twitter that he hadn’t used in years.

Ben had never focused too much on what Hux did when he doxxed people, preferring to stay out of it altogether so that it didn’t feel like he was a part of it somehow. Now that Ben found himself a victim of it, he realized that he’d do anything for Mitaka or Phasma to message him, telling him they stopped Hux or even that they were sorry. It was too late he’d realized turning a blind eye made them just as to blame.

Ben knew he should’ve done something, found out where his information was posted and reported it, called his bank and made sure his accounts were locked down, filed a fucking police report for God’s sake, but he felt numb, unable to think or move or make any kind of fucking rational decision as he slumped against his bathroom wall.

This was ridiculous. This was fucking ridiculous, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

Tears pricked at his eyes, but Ben couldn’t find it in himself to cry. Crying took effort, and effort meant using energy that he just didn’t have anymore. There was no point, just like how there was no point in anything else anymore. Ben was done.

The bottle of pills was right where he’d left it last time, in the back of his undersink cabinet, nearly full from his last refill. That was the only drug deal Ben had ever made, right after his last attempt just over a year ago. He’d told himself then that if he ever wanted to kill himself again, it would be the last time.

That was what this would be. The last time, one way or another.

It would be simple. No suicide note. No pointless Googling about different methods as a way of stalling. No checking the comments on the fics that were the only reason he was alive up to this point. Simple. Easy. As painless as possible. He’d do it this time.

Ben fumbled into his kitchen and grabbed his emergency whiskey from on top of the fridge and sat it on his kitchen table with the bottle of pills next to it, lined up perfectly to satisfy some stupid need for satisfaction. There was a part of him that wanted more—Tylenol, cough syrup, something to make this go quicker—but that wasn’t the plan.

He’d never written it down on paper, but it was simple:

Drink

Swallow

Repeat

With shaky hands, Ben undid the cap of the pill bottle and dumped them out onto the table. 29 pills, half a bottle of whiskey. An apartment that no one ever visited. If he didn’t get the job done this time, Ben would really know he was weak.

And he was weak. Even as he took a swig of whiskey with a handful of pills waiting to be swallowed, Ben could feel the tears pricking his eyes, threatening to spill as a reminder of just how weak he was. Despite his efforts in keeping them contained, the tears streamed down his cheeks against choked sobs and dark hair falling over his forehead.

This was what he wanted. This was what he _always_ wanted ever since that one realization at 14 that he didn’t have to fucking keep living if he didn’t want to. This was what he wanted, so why the _fuck_ couldn’t he go through with it? Why the fuck couldn’t he take these pills?

He need a catalyst, just one more thing to push him over the edge, and it was a good thing his phone was chock full of them.

Ben’s texts were overflowing, but nothing was worse than he’d already seen, so he quickly exited and went to Tumblr. There were DMs and mentions and asks, but it was more filled with concerned people asking why the hell his account was overrun by hate. Reddit and Twitter were the same, so the last place he went to was Discord.

There were nearly 400 new friend requests and even more DMs, but there was one that caught his eye at the very top, sent just two minutes ago.

 

> **Rey**

He should’ve just ignored it, gone through every other message wishing he’d die instead, but that stupid part of his brain, the one with his last shred of self-preservation, demanded he click on the name. 

 

> **Rey** Today at 6:11 PM  
>  hey! sorry I’m late messaging today. Went to office hour with one of my professors and talked with him about stuff. how are you 

She didn’t know. She hadn’t seen Tumblr, how clogged the tags were getting with his trolls trying to get a rise out of him. Maybe this was good. He could’ve just lied and said his day went great, and go back to trying to kill himself for the last time.

Ben would’ve never been able to reply again. She’d have been left wondering for the rest of her life why Ben Solo ghosted her after admitting his feelings the night before. She would’ve thought about it at night for weeks, months, and grow a vehement hatred toward a fucking corpse, even if she didn’t know it. Ben would have been gone, and Rey would never have known why.

She didn’t deserve that, no matter how much his mind tried to spin it around.

 

> **Kylo** Today at 6:17 PM  
>  Hey  
>  My day went okay. I’m just really tired, so I was going to go to bed early.
> 
> **Rey** Today at 6:18 PM  
>  aw I was hoping we could call since we weren’t able to last night  
>  it’s okay if you don’t want to though i understand being tired.

It should’ve ended there. Ben should’ve agreed, told her good night, and left, but there was something that kept him unable to close their chat, unable to turn off his phone and try to drink even another drop of whiskey. Something from what felt like an eternity ago— 

 

> **kyloren** ****  
> Please don’t kill yourself  
>  Please

He was there for her that one time so many months ago, when he’d been convinced she was going to kill herself and would’ve done whatever he could to stop her. Now Ben was doing the same thing, except he wasn’t allowing Rey to even try, and somehow that stung more than anything.

This should’ve been the end, but then he was clicking on the call button, still clutching the handful of pills with a death grip. One last shot. Maybe this was about to be the catalyst. Maybe Rey would say something wrong, be the one defining factor to send him over the edge. Ben thought he’d love her even more that way.

“Hey!” she said immediately when the call connected, not giving Ben a chance to speak. “I feel like we haven’t talked in forever even though it’s only been a couple days. I guess after last night I realized it was maybe a good idea to talk about everything, you know? Just so we’re not ignoring the elephant in the room. Of course, if you’re too tired and don’t wanna talk now, I totally understand if you just wanna sleep.” Rey paused for a moment, no doubt waiting for his reply, but every word escaped him when he opened his mouth to explain. How would one say ‘Hey, will you be the reason I decide to kill myself?’ “Ben, you there?”

 _Give me a reason,_ he wanted to say. _Give me a fucking reason._ Instead, Ben choked and pressed his phone further against his ear as every wall in his mind seemed to crumble all at once. “Rey…”

“Ben, what happened? Are you okay?”

 _Stop. Don’t do this._ “No, no, I’m not.” He took a steadying breath and bit his lip to keep it from quivering. “Hux doxxed me. A few hours ago, he called me and said this was what I deserved for leaving him. I’ve been receiving texts and calls all day, and I don’t know what to do.”

Rey swore under her breath. “My God, I’m so sorry, Ben. We have to do something. Call the police or FBI. This is illegal, right? They can help you.”

“Rey… I need to tell you something, and I need you to promise not to freak out.”

“Did he doxx me too? Fucking damn it. I’m going to track down that bastard and—”

“No, he didn’t doxx you.” Maybe that was why he’d never revealed who his beta was on his fic. Ben knew what Hux was capable of, and it was best to keep her out of the danger zone altogether. “I… I’m…” Ben sniffled and shook his head. “Never mind. It’s not important. I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Rey didn’t need to know. Yeah, maybe being ghosted was bad, but he knew firsthand how being involved with a person who killed themselves hurt, how much pain it involved for the coming months and years. He couldn’t do that to her, allow her to blame herself for things she never could have prevented. Ben had never really been happy, and that wasn’t Rey’s fault.

Except then the realization dawned on him that Rey would be the last person he’d ever talk to, and somehow that was truly the highlight of his entire life.

“Ben, please don’t go.”

He wished he could’ve promised her that.

“Tell me what’s going on. Don’t leave me in the dark.”

He shook his head.

“Please.”

Ben took a steady breath and looked down at the pills in his hand. A lethal dose, one meant exclusively to kill himself, but as the seconds ticked by, the less satisfying they seemed. _Take them,_ a voice whispered at him, but then he threw the handful of pills down and curled his free hand into his hair as they rolled off the table. The room seemed to spin as sobs racked uncontrollably through his body, tears hot against his cheeks, but he just couldn’t stop

“I want to die. I want to _fucking_ die, and I just can’t.”

The other line was silent for just a heartbeat, but it stretched on for an eternity in Ben’s head. “Ben… are you…” He opened his mouth to answer, but any words that came forth were completely unintelligible. “Damn it, please calm down. Talk to me, Ben. Please. Where are you?”

He did as she said, doing his best to take a few steadying breaths before speaking again. “A-Apartment. New York.”

“Where are you in your apartment? What’s around you?”

“My table. There’s whiskey and pills. I tried taking them. I wish I could take them.”

“Don’t take them. I’m going to call the police, okay? They’re gonna be able to help you.”

_Age 16. Third attempt. His mother found him passed out on his bedroom floor with his father’s gun in his hand, an empty bottle of liquor laid next to him. He hadn’t known the gun was unloaded at the time, but he hadn’t gotten far enough to realize before he passed out. There was an ambulance, he remembered, and a mental hospital for three weeks._

“No cops,” he choked out. “I can’t—No cops. Not again.”

“I can’t just leave you like this, Ben. I can’t let you do this to yourself.” Rey sniffled, almost as if she was starting to cry now. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave like everybody else.”

Just a few minutes ago, he was dead set on dying right here, right now, but then Ben heard the heartbreak in her voice, the desperation and the pain, and he knew he couldn’t do that to her. “Rey…”

“I’ll come to you,” she said suddenly. “I don’t live that far from New York City. I can take a bus, and—”

“No, Rey.”

“Come to me then. Please. Please, come to me. I want to see you. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Any other time, Ben would’ve refused downright. It was enough that he was doxxed and suicidal, but adding this into the mix? It was crazy. It was stupid. It was not going to happen. But at this point Ben realized that Rey was the first person to have been here for him for the past ten years, and he would’ve given her the world if she just asked it of him.

After a lifetime of "Nos," there was only one thing left to say: “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys! You know, I should be saying right about now that this chapter was so hard to write and I hated every minute of it, but I have to say it was one of the most easy-going chapters, despite the content. I know this was rough. It was rough for me too, emotionally. Ben really really needs help, and I know this may seem like two steps back (okay maybe more), but it's a necessary step in Ben's recovery. Things I will guarantee: 1. Ben is not going to die. He just won't. It's not gonna happen. 2. Well, I'm not sure of any others, but that does it for now.
> 
> For those who skipped to the bottom due to content: Basically what happens in this chapter is Hux doxxes Ben, whose phone gets blown up by trolls and whatnot. Hux tells Ben Snoke sold Ben's sensitive information to him, and Ben quits his job. He goes home and decides he want to kill himself, then calls Rey, who kinda freaks out and begs him to come to her in Massachusetts. He agrees, and that's where it ends. Tbh it sounds kinda stupid writing it out like this, but yeah that's what happens.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading. I really hope you like this chapter, but I'm sorry if it sucked lol :)
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	11. One Step Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for the usual stuff, but nothing too graphic this chapter!!

> **Rey** **  
>  ** i’m bringing a guy home tonight I hope you don’t mind
> 
> **Finn** ****  
>  Hell yeah bitch   
>  Be safe use protection   
>  When will he be here???
> 
> **Rey**   
>  10-ish maybe   
>  don’t embarrass me
> 
> **Finn**   
>  Ofc not   
>  Where’d you find him   
>  Tinder?
> 
> **Rey**   
>  Something like that

Rey stared down at the messages and tried to ignore the guilt encompassing her being. Finn deserved to know who exactly was coming to their apartment and why, but Rey wasn’t ready for that conversation yet, not when Ben was in this state and anything could go wrong at any moment. Once everything was resolved, she’d come clean, but there were more arduous tasks at hand.

It wasn’t until she took a step back that Rey realized how desperately their apartment needed a deep clean and exactly how long it had been since she showered, but that was here nor there. Rey settled for a quick little run-through of all the important areas of the house and shoving whatever bullshit that was sitting out in the living room into Finn’s room because it was already so much of a disaster he’d never notice. 

One quick scrub-down, rushed shave job, and hair-washing later, Rey found herself staring at her reflection with a hairdryer held in her hand, focused on the same spot it had been in the last ten minutes.

This was crazy. This was  _ fucking _ crazy, yet Rey hadn’t even given it a second thought. Inviting Ben to come had just made sense at the time, and she didn’t regret doing it. If this was what it took to keep him from hurting himself, then so be it. She’d have done it again. Still, though, the inevitability of the situation had anxiety creeping into her brain at an alarming rate. They were going to meet today, and they were doing it in the worst set of circumstances imaginable. 

By the time 10 rolled around, Finn hadn’t come home yet, probably out playing laser tag with 10-year-olds while crying that his boyfriend lived too far away, and Rey was pacing the room in pajamas and socks with her phone in hand, checking for any sign of life that he’d gotten where he needed to. 

The simple act was terrifying enough, but then her phone buzzed, and she dropped it on the floor out of panic.

> **Kylo** Today at 10:14 PM   
>  I’m here

_ Oh god. _

She stopped at the door at the same time he knocked. There was a part of her that prayed it wasn’t him, prayed it was a pizza at the wrong address or a Jehovah’s Witness out much later than expected, just so she could have more time to mentally prepare herself, but then Rey opened the door and their eyes met, and that was it.

There was a moment, she thought, just a moment, where time seemed to completely stop around them as they took each other in for the first time, and that was when every single expectation of who he was and what he looked like was thrown out the window. She’d have been lying if she ever said she hadn’t thought about his appearance at least once, but it was never something she’d felt the need to inquire about. Maybe Rey was a fool for it considering for all she knew this guy was twice the age he’d claimed or a sex offender or a fucking serial killer, but hindsight was 20/20, and none of that mattered now.

A wave of relief washed over her immediately when Rey now knew for sure he was not a creepy grandpa, not even close to that, and definitely not underage either. He was exactly the age he’d said he was, looking perhaps a bit younger than that with his tired eyes and hair curling over his forehead. 

Ben was no Brad Pitt, if that made any sense whatsoever. His face was angular, nose large, and beauty marks sprinkled over what little skin he showed, all conflicting with the conventional standards of beauty that Rey was used to, but there was a something about it all that just worked perfectly together, and she wouldn’t have changed a single thing.

Except for maybe…

His eyes were tired, lifeless, a symbol of what exactly he was going through and doing to himself, and Rey prayed to whatever God was out there that would change.

“Ben,” Rey said after an excruciatingly long amount of time, still not breaking her gaze from where their eyes had met moments ago. “Are you okay?” At her words, all of his resolve seemed to crumble with a shake of his head, lip quivering and tears welling up in his eyes. She already knew he wasn’t okay, that much was obvious, but hearing it come from him seemed like the logical first step into figuring all this out. Rey stepped forward into the doorway and looked up at him, realizing for the first time exactly how tall he really was. “Can I touch you?”

Ben glanced down then back up to her eyes before nodding just slightly. 

Without another word, Rey stepped forward and touched her palms gingerly against his shoulders and then pulled him into her arms. There were a few seconds where he just stood there hunched over as she held in him, but then his arms were coming around her waist, and just for that moment, things felt a little more okay. 

They stood there for an absurd amount of time, but Ben needed this—he needed this so much—and so did Rey, more than she cared to admit, and she wasn’t about to let go until it was absolutely necessary. A single hand curled its finger into his hair, a touch that was perhaps more intimate than the situation called for, but there was something about it that just felt right. 

“Rey,” he whispered, and it struck her suddenly that it was the first time she’d ever heard him speak in real life. “Rey, I’m so sorry.”

“Why?”

Ben pulled away just slightly, allowing him to look straight in her eyes. “You really have to ask why?” He let out a wry laugh, one more unsettling than genuine. “You just allowed an actively suicidal man you met from the internet into your home with no second thought. What if I were a serial killer?”

She just shrugged. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. Do you… want to come in?”

He glanced at their position in the doorway before nodding once, and Rey quickly ushered him in and shut the door. Her apartment was the size one would expect two broke college students to have, but it’d always worked for them somehow. Now that she was leading Ben to the living room, it dawned on her exactly how small it was, and a part of her prayed he wasn’t judging her for it, as stupid as it might’ve been. Ben wasn’t an asshole, not a complete one, at least.

His frame was entirely too large for the couch, looking awkward as he sat down on one end of the couch, Rey on the other. She had thought very little before inviting Ben to her apartment, and now that they were sitting together, the reality of what was happening crashed down on her.

“So what now?” She flinched at the sound of her voice, sounding shakier than intended. 

Ben shook his head, looking down at the cuffs on his sleeves. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

Rey curled her legs under as she turned to him and reached over to just barely brush her fingertips against his hand. “We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about, but… I’d like to know what happened, if that’s possible.”

“If that’s possible,” he muttered under his breath before turning completely toward her. “That son of a bitch doxxed me, leaked my personal information all over the internet, and you know where he got it? My boss, the man I pledged my life to when I was 22. I quit, went home, and tried to kill myself. The end. Happy now?”

Rey just sat there for a moment, all words dying on her tongue.

When she didn’t answer, Ben wrapped his arms around himself and dug his fingers into his arm. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being snappy. I just… It feels like the world is falling apart around me, and I’m at the mercy of whoever decides to fuck me over next. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”

Rey shook her head. “Ben, no, don’t apologize, okay? You’ve been through hell tonight. I’m not expecting you to be okay or anything close to that. You can tell me whatever you need to, I promise. I’m here for you.”

A brief smile flashed across his face, but it was overshadowed by the tears in his eyes. “I wish I believed you. I really do.” There was some part of Rey that wanted to argue, but then he was talking again, and she had no choice but to fall silent. “What do you want me to tell you?”

“You don’t have to tal—”

“I want to,” he said, cutting her off. “The more I talk, the less I have to think about…” He shook his head. “Never mind.” 

Rey listened intently as Ben began speaking about what happened, about the call from Hux and his boss and the hundreds of messages he’d already been sent in the past few hours. Ben still looked disheveled, unstable, but the more he talked, the less shaky his hands were, and the more he looked into her eyes, the softer they became.

There was a point in the story where Ben fell silent for a full minute, lips pressed together as he stared down at his hands. “I’m so fucking crazy.”

“You’re not—”

He shook his head. “No, I am. What kind of person calls someone they like just because they want that person to say something to make them want to kill themself? I’m… out of my damn mind.”

Rey really wanted to argue, but there was nothing to possibly say. “Crazy” was definitely not the word she’d have used to describe him, but it was very clear Ben needed some kind of help. Being there for him was one thing, but he needed things she was neither prepared nor qualified to give. 

“Have you… ever considered talking to someone? Like a therapist?”

Ben laughed. “I haven’t had a therapist since I was eleven. Totally different reasons, but who knows? Maybe my daddy issues are the reason my head’s fucked.” Rey couldn’t find a way to respond. Ben just sighed. “I’ve been avoiding it for a long time. The thing is, though, I know I need one. I know I need to see a doctor and get treated and get put on  _ something _ to make this shit in my head go away, but I haven’t because it’s been my dream—for lack of a better word—since I was fourteen to die.”

Rey didn’t say anything, just brushed her fingers against his in an act of what she hoped would’ve been perceived as comforting.

“It’s fucked up, I know,” he said, meeting her eyes, “but it’s true. I don’t know if it’s gotten better or worse at this point, but I always keep thinking that  _ next time _ it will happen, and it never does. I always thought I was just too weak to follow through.”

“You’re so strong,” she whispered. It wasn’t fair he had to struggle this way, not when she had come to see what an amazing person he was on the inside, despite his abrasiveness at first. In a way, it was laughable how her opinion of him had changed so quickly. If you’d have told Rey a few months ago that fucking  _ kyloren _ of all people would’ve been sitting on her living room couch, she’d have called you a liar, and yet, here he was. “I don’t want you to ever think you’re less than that, okay? You’re fucking amazing, and you fucking deserve to know.”

Ben smiled just a little bit, and for once, she finally felt it was genuine. “I’d call you a liar, but I don’t think that would go over well.”

“Damn right it wouldn’t.”

***

He slept in her bed that night, but whether or not actual sleep occurred was questionable.

A few more hours were spent in the living room, but by the time midnight hit, Rey insisted he come into her bedroom. The idea had made his face burn bright red, but Ben had conceded, knowing that there was no point bothering to argue. There was the problem, of course, that he’d left his apartment with just the clothes on his back and nothing else, but Rey had just told him not to worry about it.

So that was how Ben had spent the rest of his night—stripped down to his underwear next to a girl who he barely knew. It could’ve been worse.

“My roommate thinks I’m banging some guy I met on Tinder,” Rey whispered from next to him. Her bed wasn’t small, but it by no means gave them much room, and despite efforts on both their parts to remain as far away as possible, it only supplied them a few inches to breathe. “I think he’d drop dead if he knew the truth.”

Ben hummed, closing his eyes despite his racing heart. If he never got sleep while he was alone in his apartment, then there was definitely no way he was ever going to sleep with Rey so close to his proximity. Even so, it didn’t matter. This was the closest thing to comfortable he’d been in a long time. “He probably would prefer it to hearing what the hell happened last night.” She let out a small laugh. “Rey?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

She was silent for a long moment, and Ben stared into the darkness where her face would’ve been. In a way, this was easier, not having to see her face, but there was a part of him that wished he could’ve had an inkling of an idea of what she was thinking. “I’m not sure there’s a thing I wouldn’t do for you, Ben,” Rey said eventually. “You don’t have to ever thank me.”

_ Yes, I do. _ He forced himself to blink back the tears that were threatening to spill, but it seemed fruitless at this point. “You’ve already done more for me than anyone has in years. You fucking… notified my bank to put up fraud alerts and close my account down, contacted my landlord to make sure nobody was let up into my apartment, shut off text notifications so I wouldn’t have to see those goddamn messages. You deserve more than a simple ‘thank you,’ Rey. Don’t sell yourself short.”

“I don’t need a ‘thank you,’” she insisted. “I know you’re grateful already. I’m just doing this because I care about what happens to you and your future. What happened to you was messed up, and we need to make it right.”

“I could kiss you,” Ben said and immediately froze. He was pretty sure Rey did too.  _ Fucking idiot. You couldn’t think of anything else to say? _ Yet, that was the most honest depiction of what he was feeling. Ben could’ve kissed her so easily, and he was sure it would’ve felt right, but there was no way he was going to subject her to the horrors of that idea. 

Well, until now. 

Fingers brushed against his forehead, pushing the hairs falling over his forehead back into place. “I could too.”  _ Fuck. _ “But I’m not sure, you know, under these circumstances it’s the best idea.”

A part of him wanted to protest, tell her he was fine and aware and that it was okay, but then he realized what she meant. Yeah, they both wanted to do it, it was consensual, but there was also the factor that this was not how he wanted this to go. Ben hadn’t thought much about kissing Rey, had barely gotten used to the idea that she actually  _ liked _ him, but he knew, at least, that it shouldn’t have been like this—hours after a mental breakdown and suicide attempt. 

So instead, Ben just said “Okay” and reached up to entwine the fingers that were still playing with his hair with his. For a while, they just laid there with their hands touching, and though Ben didn’t find himself any more tired than usual, a part of him just felt more at peace than it ever had. 

Ben was certain she was asleep as his thumb brushed back and forth against the back of her hand, but then she mumbled out a sentence into the darkness. “This isn’t how I thought we’d meet.”

_ Way to state the obvious.  _ “No? I can’t imagine why. This was most definitely the ideal scenario.”

Rey shoved him lightly, and he just hummed. “I thought about it for a while, you know? I’ve met up with people from online before, but the thought of meeting you terrified me until tonight. I don’t even know why. You just scared the hell out of me.”

“Afraid I was gonna be a perv who lived in their mom’s basement?”

“For a while, yeah,” she said, giggling quietly. He figured her roommate was home by now, and now the most important thing was to be quiet, but Ben wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about her roommate thinking they were fucking. “There was a point that I realized I trusted you, though. Like, you trusted me to read your unpublished chapter of  _ Carcass, _ and I knew how much it meant to you, so I figured I could give you the benefit of believing you were who you said you were.”

“And do you regret that decision?” Ben bit his lip in anticipation.

Rey hummed and scooted to close the few inch gap that was separating their bodies. “No. Well, I wish we could’ve met under better terms, but I don’t regret any of it. I’m glad you’re here. I’m so fucking glad you’re here. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’d have…”

Ben just shook his head in the darkness even though she couldn’t see, being more of a comfort to himself than her. “I’m so sorry for putting you through that. It was so selfish of me, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Rey sat up, and, for a moment, the dark side of his mind was screaming at him, saying that he’d ruined everything they had together, but then she flicked on her lamp and leaned over to put her hands on either side of his head, her face directly over his. “Ben, you don’t need to promise me anything. You owe nothing to anyone except yourself. I was never mad at what you did, but… I’m fucking worried about you. I’m so scared that if I ever let you leave, you’re going to do it again. I’m not going to make you promise anything because, in the end, it’s not my place to tell you what to do with yourself, but I hope to God you decide to get help.”

_ Get help. _ Those words had always been synonymous with overpriced therapists and mental hospitals and an extraordinary amount of meds that messed with his head, but when Rey said it, it seemed less like another futile attempt at fixing everything that was wrong with him and more like… recovery.

Recovery from the constant self-loathing plaguing his mind.

Recovery from the thought that there was nobody who loved him.

Recovery from the idea that killing himself was the only thing he ever to look forward to.

Maybe Ben didn’t believe it now, but he liked to think that someday he might, and somehow he figured that was the first step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!! Sorry it took so long to get this out. This chapter was so hard to write, and I'm not super satisfied with it, but I figured it was good enough, and hopefully y'all enjoy it. The next chapter is the last chapter, and it's gonna be a trip so :) Thanks for sticking around, everybody!!
> 
> Follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


	12. What's Gone and What's Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "People don't go from 0 to 60. If you think they do, then you failed to see how long they were at 59." - A quote I stole from Tumblr, copyright 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally here y'all :) good luck
> 
> TW: Okay, as always, there's the trigger warning for depression and suicidal thoughts, but this chapter has a warning for cutting. It's not super graphic, gratuitous, or leads to somebody's death, but it does happen. Please proceed with caution and stay safe, my dudes

There were many things Ben learned.

* * *

His therapist was a woman with flamboyant, purple hair despite her calculatedly cool personality. Amilyn Holdo was her name, and Ben only knew it because it was etched into the nameplate on the coffee table he kept his eyes focused on instead of her.

“Ben?”

His head snapped up. 

“Did you hear me?”

He hadn’t. “Yes.”

“Can you answer my question?” She waited a few seconds before humming and crossing her legs. “Is there something else you’d rather talk about, Ben?”

He could tell it was a genuine question, but that voice in his head was still so sure it was somehow condescending.  _ Look at you. You’re even shit at therapy. She’s going to quit on you. You’re paying her hundreds of dollars per hour, and she’s still going to quit on you. You’re nothing. _

_ You’re nothing you’re nothing you’re nothing you’re nothing you’re nothi— _

“Tell me,” Dr. Holdo said, patient as ever, “what are you feeling right now?”

_ You’renothingyou’renothingyou’renothingyou’renothingyou’renothingyou’renothing _

Ben looked up at met her eyes. “Like I’m not okay.”

She gave him a small smile as she scribbled a few words on her notepad.

There was something he learned much later, and that was the fact that being… not okay was okay, too.

At the time, he didn’t know. For a much longer time, he didn’t know. But now he did, and, finally, he knew why Amilyn smiled.

* * *

Some habits that seemed completely normal were more unhealthy than he’d ever realized.

This was one of the things he learned.

Ben never looked both ways before crossing the street, and he never changed the batteries in his fire alarm. He never held the stair rail or wore a seatbelt while driving. It was always small things, things he cropped up to be harmless little quirks, but Dr. Holdo had been quick to point out everything wrong with them.

Now Ben noticed every small, self-destructive tendency that had become part of his daily routine and only occasionally corrected them.

His nails were always picked to sore and bloody nubs, so he put Band-Aids over them until they grew back. That was the first thing, and it was a start. The others weren’t as easy. Some of the behaviors he noticed weren’t usually considered to be concerning, but when it came down to it, they were to Ben.

He hadn’t published a chapter of his fic in months, but he still checked for comments every single chance he got, multiple times an hour. Sometimes they were there, sometimes they weren’t, and it always left him feeling empty no matter the outcome. He didn’t write much anymore, but when he did, Ben didn’t get more than a few words before deleting everything. It needed to be perfect, and it was never quite perfect enough. 

Dr. Holdo said he would work on it, but Ben wasn’t sure he would. Why fix what wasn’t broken?

* * *

He spent nearly a week in Massachusetts. The initial shock of why the  _ hell _ he was there wore off after a while, and Ben was just left with the nagging knowledge that he had no idea what he was going to do next. It was like he was finishing college again, the world seemingly falling apart around him as he searched for what he wanted from life, and every little slip-up was the end nearing closer.

“Not having everything figured out is okay,” Rey said one day as he lie on her couch with, but it fell on deaf ears as these things tended to do.

Ben had  _ always _ had everything figured it for most of his life. When he was young, he wanted to be a pilot, just like his father was. That was the plan for the longest time, and neither of his parents knew any differently. After he’d fallen into the first stage of his depression, Ben hadn’t really cared and just stuck with piloting to appease his parents prying questions.

In college, he majored in the first thing he thought of: business and marketing. His parents hadn’t been happy, but they were the ones forcing him into college, so they got what they paid for—a depressed graduate with no real potential or decent outlook on life. He really was the textbook Millennial, wasn’t he?

_ Not having everything figured it is okay, _ her words rang out again later, finally finding their way into his thick skull. This was another thing he learned, maybe too late but definitely not soon enough. 

“One step at a time,” he mumbled out, not quite convinced himself.

* * *

Ben’s apartment seemed emptier than usual, despite being the exact same it had been when he first left. The memories struck him the moment he walked in, the bottle of whiskey sitting on the table along with the pills scattered on the floor. It had only been a week ago, he realized, and that was the most shocking part.

He went on Tumblr for the first time since that day to an inbox of 99+ asks and messages. He logged out again without a second thought.

A list of urgencies seemed to pile up in Ben’s mind. There were so many things to do, so many people to call, yet all he wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position in the bed where he never slept but always found himself crawling toward anyway. It was tempting, but in the back of his mind he knew what would happen if he went.

He’d spent the week with Rey and her roommates, giving himself some time to recuperate and figure things out again, and even though it didn’t accomplish much, his mental state was… better. Not great but better. 

Crawling back into bed to reverse the little progress he’d made would’ve made Rey disappointed, and the only reason he was doing any of this was for her. 

A shower, he decided, and nothing else.

Then as he stood in sweatpants with wet hair, he approached the table and just stood there, watching, waiting for something to happen, but it never did. The whiskey wasn’t alive. The pills weren’t alive. They wouldn’t hurt him unless he let them.

He almost let them.

The whiskey was put back on top of the fridge, the pills gathered one by one back into the bottle where they belonged, and then Ben just sat there at the very seat where he very nearly made the most important decision of his life. Maybe he should’ve been afraid, maybe he should’ve been mad. But he wasn’t.

It was at this moment that Ben realized what was going to become of him if he stayed like this.

One day a suicide attempt would prove successful, and he’d be dead and alone for good, and maybe that was what he wanted, but he couldn’t leave Rey alone, not after the things she’d promised him, and maybe it was wishful thinking, but Ben liked to think that if there was any reason to try to recover, doing it for Rey was as good as any.

He dialed a number on his new phone, the only one he’d ever bothered to memorize, and waited.

“Hello?” a gruff voice answered, and Ben was suddenly aware it was past 11 at night. “Who’s this?”

Ben swallowed the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. “Hey, dad.”

* * *

Getting a therapist, to put it simply, was the best advice Ben’s parents had ever given him. For a while it seemed silly because who went to therapists? Disfunctional people, crazy people.  _ I’m not crazy, _ he’d convinced himself but then took one look at the spectacles in his mind that glorified everything to do with dying, and that thought was thrown out the window.

Two months he’d been seeing Dr. Holdo now, but Ben wasn’t sure there had been any kind of change until he’d walked into his apartment after a session one day and realized there was clutter on the coffee table and dishes in the sink, and that was the first time Ben really saw his mark on something, figured out that someone was alive here, and that someone was him. 

He’d called her, already in tears. “Rey?” 

“Ben, what’s wrong?”

“I think… I think I’m gonna be okay.”

There was silence on the other line for the longest moment, but then she’d sniffled and said “Yeah, I think so too.”

He went to therapy the next day with a smile on his face, and he was clutching himself as he cried, but despite Holdo’s concern for his mental well-being Ben was warm and shaky, and for that moment, everything seemed like it really was going to be okay.

* * *

When Ben saw Rey again, it had been far too long. Wrapped up in each other’s arms, they stood in the entryway of his apartment, holding each other like he imagined lovers would, except that wasn’t anything close to what they were.  _ Maybe someday,  _ his mind said, but he shook the thought away.

They had talked every day, but it wasn’t nearly enough, and after a few months apart, it seemed reasonable to want to meet up again, and that was how Rey ended up spending a long weekend at his place. Ben had actually found it in himself to go grocery shopping, not pay for delivery like he’d been doing since he decided to eat real food again, and the refrigerator was stocked up with more food than either of them would’ve ever needed. His apartment looked better than it had for years, but somehow he didn’t think she cared.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she mumbled into his chest before pulling away to look up at him. “You look so much better than the last time I saw you.”

“I do?” He hadn’t noticed, had covered up his mirror with a poster because looking at himself for even a second had made him hate everything he’d worked toward. 

Rey smiled and pressed her hands against his cheeks in an act he’d assumed was reserved for couples only. “Yeah. Back then… there was no light left in your eyes. It scared me, it scared me so much.”

“And now?”

“You look like you have a reason to live.”

He smiled and nodded, and it wasn’t a lie because he did, and she was standing right in front of him.

* * *

Sometimes things were easy. Sometimes thing were hard. This was another thing he learned.

Being with Rey was easy, her touch warm and soft, a reminder that there were still things worth fighting for. 

Letting her go was hard. Every moment she was away seeming to drag on more than it had any right to, and it was only the texts from her each morning that gave him the motivation to get out of bed.

Solitude was both. It wasn’t as if he was purposely isolating himself or anything. That was just how it ended up most of the time. The quiet helped him think, yet it helped the thoughts he desperately pushed away burrow its way back into the front of his mind with no means of escape.

At first, it was all miserable, the days after she left. He felt himself falling back into the trap he’d just begun to pry himself out of over the past few months with no way to fight back, and that was the difference between before and now.

Before, Ben didn’t want to get better. He, honest to God, didn’t, no matter how many times he’d failed at killing himself. Dying was what he wanted, and he would’ve gotten there eventually.

Now, though, even after Rey had gone back to Massachusetts, Ben found himself wanting to fight for the first time in his life, and somehow that was everything.

Things were easy and things were hard, and sometimes he didn’t do things the right way, but he was trying, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

Except he should’ve known the relapse was inevitable.

It had been months since Ben’s last attempt, the days feeling less like a ticking time bomb and more like an extension to the time he had. He’d been sleeping a little more, cooking and eating actual food, and showering whenever he remembered, and it was worlds better than what it was before. 

_ I’m recovered, _ Ben told himself eventually, and he wasn’t, not by a longshot, but the more he said it, the more convinced he found himself.

But being recovered wasn’t just about being okay during the good times. This was one thing he learned.

Rey didn’t text that morning. In his mind, he knew the reasons: this was finals week. But no matter how many times he told himself that, Ben couldn’t convince himself. This was the first of many mistakes.

It all went downhill from there.

There was a comment on  _ Carcass _ giving only constructive criticism, and that would’ve been fine if Ben’s head were in a better place, but all those doubts he’d tried to push away kept flooding back, and he’d slammed his computer shut too quickly, and the screen shattered.

His attorney, one Rey had begged him to hire to handle what happened with Hux, called later that day. “There’s not enough evidence to convict,” he’d said. “There’s no doubt you were doxxed, but whether it was by Hux or not can’t be determined at this time.”

Ben could feel himself shattering piece by piece, but he forced himself to hold it together.

Sometimes that was the worst thing you could do. This was another thing he learned.

Amilyn said during one of their session that when he was feeling like this, finding distractions was a good step to take in calming down, so Ben turned to cooking, one of the only things he found himself enjoying anymore. It was a bastardized version of a soup his mother used to make on the rare occasions she was home, comfort food in its rawest form, and Ben realized it might not have been the best dish to make that very day.

He’d been eating this meal the third time his father had left after another stupid spat with his mother. Ben was only seven, yet he understood why his mother cried. They were fighting about him again, about Ben’s outbursts at school and his aggressive behavior, about the diagnosis from the doctor. His father didn’t want him on meds. His mother gave them to him anyway. That was the first time Ben realized he wasn’t normal.

He was gripping the knife with white-knuckle grip, Ben realized as he looked down. He hadn’t made a single cut at the vegetables he’d been staring at for the past five minutes he’d been there, but the knife stayed curled in his hand.

Before Ben really could stop himself, the blade pressed into his wrist.

A million thoughts raced through his mind, a flash of relief and then a flash of agony, over and over and over again.

He dropped the knife into the sink.

Ben ran into the bathroom to press a towel against his bleeding wrist, and as he stared into the mirror, his only thought was  _ I failed. _

* * *

“Ben?”

_ I failed. _

“Ben?”

_ I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed _

“Ben?”

_ ifailedifailedifailedifailedifailedifailedifailedifailedifailedifailedifailedifailed _

“Ben, can you hear me?”

His head snapped up to meet Dr. Holdo’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, wiping a hand over his face.

Dr. Holdo considered him for a few moments, and Ben shivered under her gaze, as if she could read every thought going through his mind. “Is something wrong? You seem… distracted.”

Ben forced himself not to glance back down at his arm, which was no suspiciously covered in long sleeves despite the humidity of early April. Dr. Holdo couldn’t know. She’d have him admitted, and Ben couldn’t have that, not again. 

_ I failed. _

“I’m just tired,” he lied, biting down on his bottom lip, the pain making this session a little bit more bearable.

“Tired?” Dr. Holdo made a note on her notepad and tapped her pen on her cheek. “You seemed so happy during our last session just before Rey came to visit. Is this about her?”

It was, but it wasn’t at the same time. The very back of his mind wanted to put all the blame on Rey’s shoulders—She didn’t text him, so this was all her fault, right? Maybe he would have months ago, but Ben couldn’t do that to her. It wasn’t Rey’s fault he was an emotionally unstable bastard who needed a single text of validation every morning to keep going. That wasn’t her problem, and it wasn’t fair to put it on her.

No, Ben had to deal with this himself.

* * *

The next time he talked to Rey, he cried.

“Ben, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

_ Don’t put this on her. She shouldn’t have to deal with this. _

Ben shook his head and pressed the phone further against his ear. “I didn’t want to tell you. I thought it wasn’t your problem.”

He could only imagine what was going through her head right then, terrified of his instability just like she had been the night he came to her. “Ben, whatever it is, whatever happened, I’m here for you. You don’t have to keep anything from me.”

“I tried to kill myself again.” He said it without hesitation this time, feeling more numb than anything else. “I was in the kitchen cooking, and I just… cut myself. It wasn’t bad, but I know the intent was there.”

“Ben…” Rey trailed off before clearing her throat. “Are you okay? Do you want me to come to you?”

A part of him really did consider it. Rey being there with him made things look a lot better all of a sudden, but he couldn’t make her drop everything just to be there for him, not again. “No. I’m gonna be okay. I just… needed to tell you.”

“Okay, okay. That’s good. I’m really, really glad you told me. I don’t want you to ever have to suffer alone. That’s not what this relationship’s about. Please don’t be afraid to talk to me.”

“Relationship?” he asked, his heart skipping at the word.

Rey made a noise that he couldn’t explain, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. “Yeah, whatever you want to call it.”

* * *

He visited his parents later that month for the first time since he’d graduated college.

Their last visit hadn’t been a good one, consisting only of a fight blown out of proportion, a tense dinner, and fake well-wishes for the fast-approaching grind of his new life. They didn’t approve of his career path that he’d taken with Snoke, told him that it would only lead to destruction, but Ben hadn’t cared because he was young and stupid and already blamed everything that went wrong in his life on his parents.

The only person Ben had kept in contact with was Leia. That was, up until recently.

Han Solo and Leia Organa had long been separated but never really seemed to stay away from  each other. No matter how many times Han had left, he never seemed to be able to stay away from Leia, their love for each other rekindling every time they saw each other again. 

When Ben was young, he thought it was his fault. Their fights, the ones he heard, were often about him, and it was obvious what he would’ve thought at that age. It was only recently that Ben realized there was no way he could’ve controlled how his parents felt about each other, stupid as it was.

Leia had suggested they meet up at a restaurant, but Ben knew his family, and he knew taking them out into public yet wasn’t a good idea by any means. It was best to test the waters first, and, unfortunately for him, that meant inviting them to his place.

Ben’s mother, of course, had already been there once or twice, but this was the first time he’d been in contact with his dad in years, and waiting was just as nerve-wracking as it had been calling him on the phone.

They arrived at the same time, as if they’d taken a car together, but Ben didn’t bother to ask. It was just better not to. His father was older than he’d last seen him, his hair more gray and face more wrinkled, but that same smile was still present, and Ben felt his throat tighten. “Hey, dad.”

“Hey, son.”

* * *

At first, they didn’t believe him, that he wanted to die.

They had known, of course, of the attempts as a teenager but had figured he’d grown out of it. That’s what everyone did, right? Teenagers were angsty, hormone-riddled monsters. It was just a phase. Except it hadn’t been, and assuming so had been Ben’s parents’ first mistake.

“My last attempt was earlier this month,” Ben said, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt and offering out his wrist to his parents, who sat dumbstruck across from him. “Before that, it was a few months ago, and that was when I decided to get help. I’ve… been going to therapy, and they put me on some new meds. It’s been helping, I think, but it felt wrong lying to you all those years.”

Ben had been holding it together rather well, but his parents were a different story. Leia clutched her ex-husband with a death grip, pale as a ghost, and Han looked close to tears as they listened to him, maybe for the first time in his entire life.

“For so long I’ve felt like I have absolutely nothing to live for, and, I don’t know, it might’ve been true. It was hard, but I quit my job, and I’ve just been spending the last few months trying to get myself to a place where I feel more than okay. I want to recover.”

It was the first time he’d ever spoken those words out loud. 

“My son, my beautiful boy,” Han choked out before leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Ben. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I found out you’d done it. I couldn’t have lived with myself.”

“I know, Dad.”

It took a few minutes of coaxing, but Ben finally managed to pry his usually stoic father off him and turned to his mother. She was sitting with tears in her eyes as she took his hands. “I had a history with depression too, Ben. I knew I should’ve told you when you were younger, but it was such a deeply held secret of mine that I just… couldn’t do it. I wish I had because maybe then you wouldn’t feel so alone.”

“I’m not alone anymore,” Ben said, and he finally meant it.

* * *

Ben visited Rey during early June whilst the wet, humid heat preyed against them all.

They’d chosen this week in particular for one reason: Finn moved to Orlando, and Rey needed the emotional support. He’d only met the guy twice at this point in time, but from what Rey had told him about him, he seemed like a good friend, and he could see why she was distraught for a while.

The first few days were rough, and Ben spent them by her side, ordering in whatever foods she liked and watching whatever movies she asked him to. It was the least he could’ve done for her after everything she’d done for him.

By day four, Rey was back to her normal self, but they still spent the day in her apartment to escape the heat, tangled up in each other’s limbs.  _ In the most platonic way possible,  _ he told himself.

“Do you like me?” she asked one night as they lie in bed with her fingers entwined with his.

He hummed. “Of course I do.”

“So you won’t hate me if I do something right now?”

“Of course not.”

At any other time, the rational part of his brain would’ve realized what she was about to do, but as Rey leaned up and kissed him, his mind just went completely blank. She released him quickly, but it was a full ten seconds until he found the words to respond.

“Wow.”

She laughed. “Yeah. Was that okay?”

“Totally,” he squeaked out, blushing as Rey giggled while leaning up to do it again.

* * *

Kissing was something he liked very much. Sex, however, proved to be even better. This was another thing Ben learned

It took a while, maybe longer than it should have, but he was happy with the pace they took. The first kiss, the first physical admission to what they have together, was what took the longest, and everything that came after was just easy.

Ben was a virgin in the purest form imaginable, spending most of his teenage years focused on things aside from sex and relationships. Maybe he’d have been nervous for this, but he trusted Rey and Rey trusted him, and that was all that mattered.

Ben kissed her with confidence he’d gained during their short jaunts of making out over the week, and Rey only pulled him closer. They’d talked about this already, as unromantic as it was, but the terror of the idea ceased the more they communicated, and it was only for that that Ben felt comfortable enough to even try and figure out how to do this.

“Ben,” Rey murmured in his ear as he thumbed at the hem of her shirt, “you okay?”

He pulled away and pressed his hand against her cheek. “I’m just… I’m so glad you’re here. You have no idea what this means to me.”

Rey wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him down to her until their noses brushed together. “You’re so perfect.”

Ben begged to differ, but for once, he didn’t argue, just pressed their lips together and thanked whatever deity was out there looking over him for allowing him to stay alive for at least this moment.

* * *

“Ben?”

His eyes snapped up. “Sorry. How many times did you say my name?”

“Just that once,” Dr. Holdo replied, tapping her pen on her notepad. “How are you feeling? I know we missed our last two sessions since you were in Massachusetts. How did that go?”

“I’m…” Usually he lied. It wasn’t always consciously, but Ben found himself saying emotions that he wished he was feeling versus actually feeling.  _ I’m a lot better. Not great but decent. A little bit down but okay. _ Today, though, he hesitated in saying anything until he was absolutely sure. “I’m okay.”

Dr. Holdo rose an eyebrow. “Okay?”

Ben nodded at himself. “Yeah, okay. Today wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great either. It was just… okay.” And it was at that moment Ben realized he was telling the truth. He  _ was _ okay. Not horrible, not great. Not recovered, not at rock bottom. Just… okay, and that was more than he ever attempted to think about.

“I see.” Dr. Holdo wrote down a note. “Let me ask you something, Ben. Do you still want to keep living?”

His therapist had never been so direct, but there was a reason behind this, he knew there was. There was always conflict in him, about life and death, and his decision was never really fully made. Every single failed attempt was a testament to that. Ben wanted to die, but there also was a part of him that wanted to live more than anything. Except he’d never really felt like living until now.

_ Who do you want to live for then?  _ a part of his mind asked him. The immediate answer was  _ myself. _

* * *

The next  _ Legends _ movie came out in December of that year, and Ben and Rey walked out of the midnight showing with their hands entwined and smiles on their faces.

“I told you they were gonna be canon.”

“Shut up.”

* * *

The last time Ben had been on his AO3 account, it had been to turn off email notifications.

It sat there, gaining views and comments and traffic he didn’t want, but he was never able to just go back and finish  _ Carcass _ like everybody wanted him to. Two chapters were complete, betaed, and ready to be published, but Ben was never able to make himself go through with it, and eventually just stopped stressing about it all together.

After the movie, though, he’d checked Reddit, then Tumblr, then AO3, and it only left him with a pit in his stomach.

> **Inbox (679)**

People were ridiculous, but he smiled anyway. He hadn’t written a word of fanfiction in nearly four months, hadn’t spoken a word about  _ Carcass  _ on Tumblr even before that, yet people still cared about what happened to  _ kyloren _ and his longass fics. It would’ve been heartwarming if Ben weren’t so set on forgetting it all.

He went on there to find a fic to read, something to rec to Rey if he liked it enough, but then he clicked on  _ Carcass _ —“For curiosity’s sake,” he told himself—and the rest of his night was set.

It wasn’t as bad as Ben’s mind ever said it was. Sure, things were a bit clumsy at times, the plot didn’t always make sense, and the dialogue could’ve been better, but it  _ was _ good, and that was something he’d always failed to see. And as he read further, Ben finally understood why it was so popular.

Revan’s characterization was perfect. The tragic hero, the fallen one, a life of loss and scorn, and Ben had represented it perfectly because at that time, in his mind, Ben was Revan, and this fic was the last remnant of everything he was now trying to escape.

Ben had held onto it for this long. It was time.

> **Delete My Account**

There was a moment of hesitation as he considered the consequences of what this would do to him—to them—but when Ben pressed  _ delete _ to everything that his mind had held captive, all he felt was relief.

And perhaps the most important of all, Ben learned how to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, looks like this is it, my dudes. This fic was such a trip. I can't even describe it. This was definitely not how it was supposed to end, but you guys have been so supportive over this, and I really hope y'all found this satisfactory :))) oh and sorry it took like a month uhhh my bad
> 
> anyway thank you thank you thank you to everyone who read, kudosed, and commented on this story, and showed it so much support. I couldn't have done it without you all :/// I'm gonna be taking a break from fanfic for nanowrimo, but I have one more thing coming before hopefully November 1st :)) 
> 
> Umm so yeah keep it real y'all and follow my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


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